My Own Backyard

Published on January 25, 2010September 2, 2010 by hearingelmo3 Comments

Tin Woodsman, “What have you learned, Dorothy?”

Dorothy, “Well, I – I think that it… it wasn’t enough to just want to SEE Uncle Henry and Auntie Em – and it’s that – if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because… if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?”

In 1990, I took a leave of absence from Vandalia Christian School in order to raise my “miracle babies”. I was told I would never have children, so when I had Kyersten in February of 1990, and her brother Chris 11 months later in 1991, I decided to be a stay-at-home mom until they were old enough to go to school. My plan was to return to teaching. I loved teaching, and loved my “big backyard” in the investment I made in the lives and hearts of teenagers. I couldn’t wait to get back to teaching, even though I enjoyed every minute of staying at home with my children. I looked forward to speaking on behalf of BIANC (the Brain Injury Association of North Carolina), and enjoyed serving at camps and attending support groups in the area. My dream included reaching out to others, teaching, speaking, and making a difference in a very big backyard. That was my heart’s desire. I had big dreams.

However, after the birth of my son I began to lose my hearing. I experienced a slow and steady decline for the next ten years until I had a profound loss, and was really deaf! I began to experience problems with vertigo and my balance and was diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease. I saw “my own backyard” become smaller and smaller. I woke up one day and realized my community… and those I had influence over were my own young elementary-aged children. Through a series of traumatic public school experiences, I ended up doing what I never thought I could do… homeschooling my children. I vowed to do it “only one more year” until we could afford to put them in a private school. One year led to still another year, and the kids were thriving in numerous activities, cooperative programs, and were testing well above the national norms. During this time, we moved to the DC area and I did begin teaching part-time at Chieftain Institute. Unbelievably, I homeschooled the kids all the way through high school. (Chris is a senior this year but attending community college a year early). Both made the Dean’s list and/or Honor Roll and are leaders in their Bible study group on campus.

I am proud of the kids… yet… sometimes I am left looking at my tiny backyard and am reminded of all those dreams I had as a young adult. Now that I am “hearing again” with the Nucleus Freedom, I am back in school pursuing my Master’s and still teaching part-time. But… my life is so different than what I imagined at 25-years-old. Chloe helps to make me independent of even my family. It’s not that I resented being dependent on them, but I needed them to know I would be OK… especially the kids. I DO WANT THEM TO LEAVE HOME! I wanted them to know I would be OK without their assistance. Chloe has given me that independence. However, when I look in my “small backyard” it hardly resembles the backyard I imagined. Although I work very hard to not allow it to do so, my disability isolates me in many ways. I can’t drive safely at night, I can’t use the telephone without a great deal of effort, and on rainy days like today? I walk with serious and meticulous care to insure I don’t “fall down and go boom”. In spite of all of this, I frequently ask myself, “When I look in ‘my backyard’, is my heart’s desire there?

Desires of the Heart do not CHANGE

In January of 2008, I sat down and had a real “think session” about my goals, dreams and heart’s desire. My husband was just asked to resign as Executive Director of HLAA so that they could hire someone fresh and young with new ideas and energy. He found a job right away in higher education (which is where I always knew God would have him end up as he is so gifted in administration and teaching). It was a time of new beginnings for the whole family. I may be a “hearing again” woman, with much about my life changed as the result of an acquired disability… but my dreams do not have to be shelved and only looked at with regret and sadness.

The magic… the blessing even, is not in the size of our backyard. That inner peace and satisfaction comes from being active in living within the focus of our heart’s desire. I am teaching. I am still making a difference, although it is in many small ways. I am active in a local chapter of HLAA, I faithfully pray for a great number of people each and every day, I reach out as I’m able, using whatever skills and gifts that I have.

Many people stress about what God’s will is for their lives. They sit around worrying that they will miss this magic window of opportunity for God’s best. They may desperately try to mold their heart’s desire to be a Polaroid of God’s will for their life. Truthfully? Our heart’s desire stems from natural gifts and skills that we were born with and our spiritual gifts are often those traits that occur naturally as part of our personality. There is no “magic” involved in finding God’s will for your life. There is no ‘hocus pocus’ in discovering your heart’s desire.

I was sipping my green tea this morning, looking out on the small lake that is my backyard. Everything I want is here. I try to make a difference in the life of one person each day. That’s my goal. That one person may even be a family member. Why do we neglect them? Why are they not important enough to invest ourselves in each day? If your immediate realm of influence only includes a spouse, sibling, or children, take the time to INVEST yourself. Are those whom you are able to influence and reach out to co-workers? Members of your church? A lonely neighbor? We so often look over the heads of those most important in order to try to lock eyes and invest ourselves in someone “worthy” or in a way that others will notice. Drop your gaze and lock eyes with those closest to you. There are hurting people everywhere… people in whom a small investment of time goes a very long way.

Certainly God gives some of us a wider scope of influence. That’s terrific, but tend to your own backyard. There are people, some perhaps very close to you, who could use your attention. My own soggy backyard is small and consists of family members, contacts from HLAA and Fidos For Freedom, small classes at Chieftain Institute, and peers in my grad classes. My heart’s desire is here. My goal is to make a difference to ONE each day.

Your life is no less influential. Who lives with you? Who lives next door? Who do you work with and attend church with each week? Do you see the same cashiers at your favorite grocery store each week? Tend to your backyard. It may be a shared courtyard, or private small “space”. It may have been neglected. You may need to mow, and pick up bundles of branches left behind after a life’s storm. Your heart’s desire is there, and each is lovely and unique. Our lives and homes are our own opportunity for significance.

Click your ruby-red heels together and repeat after me, “There’s no place like home”.

Denise Portis

What is She… Really?

Published on January 11, 2010September 2, 2010 by hearingelmo7 Comments

Chloe weighs 65 pounds, has soft, fine fur. She dries quickly after a bath and rarely has any "doggie" odor. Her teeth are easy to care for, and she has muscular legs and hips.

For an early birthday present, my daughter, Kyersten, purchased a “Wisdom Panel Insights” DNA kit for Chloe. The two most common questions I am asked about Chloe are:

What does she do for you?

What kind of dog is she?

The second question is probably asked more often than the first. Chloe’s trainer, Pat, at Fidos For Freedom believes she is part Vizsla and Retriever because of her color, body style and manner in which she “washes up”. I’ve never thought to ask Chloe’s puppy raiser, Linda, what she thought Chloe’s mix might be, nor have I asked her other trainer, Jolanthe. My daughter thinks she is a Rhodesian Ridgeback and American Foxhound mix, as she has a ridge of hair that stands up along her spine when she is upset as it lays in the opposite direction of the rest of her fur. I think she accounts the Foxhound part because of the way her head and ears are shaped. I’ve never really cared WHAT Chloe is, as she is an intelligent partner to whom I’ve bonded and work along side on a daily basis. Once in awhile we would belly-ache about not knowing for sure what her mix is as we get that second question so often. It would be nice to be able to say, “She is a SUCH-AND-SUCH mix!” You can’t argue with DNA after all. Don’t you watch any crime shows on television? (GRIN).

In three weeks we should know. Want to make a guess yourself? Please feel free to comment. We will see who guesses the best regarding dog breeds!

google — Chloe has soft "hound" jowls, but does not drool excessively.

Chloe’s head and ears

chloe at door 007 — Chloe's back of body and head

harpers ferry october 2008 016 — Chloe's profile

Chloe’s faults include “overly friendly” at times, and a high prey drive for small wildlife.

Chloe seems to track well and tastes the air and smells both the air and ground. She will roll in wildlife scents if unsupervised. Chloe is like a long-distance runner. She paces well but does not have a spectacular sprint. She has well-defined leg and thigh muscles, with medium developed chest muscles. She has some excess skin at her neck, and soft jowls that are not really a dominant feature. She drools only occasionally.

Chloe has had a malignant small mole removed from an ear at 4 years old. She has no other health problems and has easy-to-care for teeth. Her fur is soft and she sheds twice a year, but not excessively. She weights 65 pounds, dries quickly after a bath, and rarely has a “doggie smell”.

She loves to retrieve, and loves to work with a strong desire to please. She has a deep bark which is decidedly unfeminine. She will “sing”/howl if she hears another dog howl, but never tries to do so on her own.

What am I… Really?

Wouldn’t it be strange if people stopped to ask me, “What are you anyway?” Oh sure, I am from a German bloodline, but what if that question meant something far DEEPER? Could you look at someone and determine…

“They have a good heart. They are kind and gracious. They are forgiving and teachable. They wag their tails when they are happy and do not drool excessively!”

Yeah. OK, that last part was a bit over the top. But do you stop to consider what YOU are… REALLY? I really want people to look at me and SEE something far deeper. I want them to see a confident person with numerous ABILITIES in spite of a disability. I want them to see a friendly, inquisitive, polite person that would make a good friend. In public, we encounter large numbers of people… at least in my area. You only get one chance at a good FIRST impression. What do people see when they see you?

I think one of the most complimentary things anyone ever said about me was at an assistance dog/service dog conference in Baltimore several years ago. Numerous clients from Fidos For Freedom attended the conference since it was practically “local” for us. In between sessions, we would walk around and talk to numerous other teams from all over the country. I struck up a conversation with a man from California. He was blind and was there with his guide dog. After we had talked for about 10 minutes, he asked,

“You are a person of faith, aren’t you Denise?”

I was a little startled at the change of topic, but readily answered, “Yes… I’m a Christian and my faith is very important to me!”

He responded, “I could tell. It’s pretty evident and I can always tell after talking to someone for awhile”.

Something happened to interrupt our conversation and we went our separate ways. I’ve thought about that moment many times since. Exactly HOW DID HE KNOW? What did he hear and sense that led him to draw that kind of conclusion? More importantly… can I continue to live that way and respond that way so that others see the same?

I certainly don’t condone being hypocritical and not “being who you are”. Most people can spot a fake pretty quickly. Avoid being condescending in your kindness. If it isn’t REAL to you, why? I want to be a positive advocate for people with hearing loss and Meniere’s disease. I can only be that if I’m genuine and positive about what I am able to do in spite of my disabilities.

What about you? What are you… REALLY?

P.S. ADDED 4/28/10: Read here for the results!

Denise Portis

“Hearing Again” Woman

Published on January 4, 2010September 2, 2010 by hearingelmoLeave a comment

One of my online friends is very faithful about posting her Monday blogs entitled, “Simple Woman“. We “met” I suppose due to a mutual interest in hearing loss. One of her handsome sons has a hearing loss and wears a hearing aid. I tried being a “Simple Woman” for a time, and some of these blog posts can be found in my archive. I just haven’t been able to OWN this regular posting in spite of how much I love reading other’s posts. I love the simplicity of the postings; however, my life has changed so much due to not homeschooling this year. I guess you could say I did not feel like I “fit in” with this wonderful group of women posting these blurbs each Monday. To make up for it though… I plan to start my own Friday “simple post”. The prompts are always thought-provoking and meaningful… at least they are to me! I love having something to look forward to with which to end my week! Blogging sometimes is just about the joy of blogging after all!

FOR TODAY… (today’s date)

Outside my window…

I am thinking…

I am hearing…

I am thankful for…

I am wearing…

A Cochlear Implant…

I am remembering…

I am going…

I need to…

A disability is NOT…

I am currently reading…

I am hoping…

From the kitchen…

Around the house…

One of my favorite things…

My husband…

My daughter…

My son…

My assistance dog…

A picture to share from this week…

Denise Portis

Plan Ahead – But BEWARE!

Published on January 4, 2010September 2, 2010 by hearingelmoLeave a comment

Ah January! Don’t you love January? There is something about the beginning of a new year, isn’t there? Many of us make resolutions or commitments, although some of those same commitments we are pretty wishy-washy with no real resolve to complete them. Folks decide to quit smoking, drinking, or eat better and get fit. Some decisions are a wee bit ridiculous… even ludicrous. Those who end a year with a shout, “I DID IT!”, set realistic and practical goals.

Plan but Don’t Go Overboard

I’m a real “planner”. I live by my Google-calendar, and insist every family member use the same. We all have access to each other’s calendars. This is necessary as we have four drivers and workers sharing two vehicles. It is also necessary because “mama hates nothing worse than to fix a family ‘sit down’ meal, only to discover no one is home“! Mama? Well that’s me… and I’m here to tell you that really is a pet peeve. If they are suppose to all be home for a family dinner, they’d better be present when it comes time to set the table, sit down, and enjoy a big meal. My kids have a good number of activities other than school. If they want transportation, they’d better check our calendars!

Planning can get out of hand, however. I’m a little OCD. (Clears throat nervously when envisioning all those reading who know me well). OK. Perhaps I’m a LOT OCD, but I have come a long way! In high school and college I was truly “over the top” and my organized life was only due to a very unhappy disorder that had taken over my life. I’m more relaxed now about planning and organizing. Sure! Google calendar is my anchor for each day’s activities, but I have a messy desk, can walk by a dog toy on the carpet and no longer obsessively check things.

Your resolutions and “new commitments” will go a long way if you plan ahead. One of my own decisions is to get healthy and fit, then stay that way. I do not want to develop Type 2 Diabetes like so many in my family have. This means I have to plan a menu and grocery list and not just “show up” to super Wal-mart each week. I buy snacks, but only healthy ones. If my kids want “junk”, they have to buy it themselves and keep it in their rooms. Sometimes they will write a particular cookie they are craving on the shopping list, or perhaps they’ll go shopping WITH me. Unhealthy snacks cannot just be “laying around” in the kitchen. I want them OUT OF TEMPTATION’S WAY. I plan a good part of my day. I have to plan my day to a certain degree in order to determine when I work, do school, do housework and work in EXERCISE.

Even my assistance dog, Chloe, has put on a few pounds this past year. Three pounds for a canine is a lot. I have until May to help her get back in tip-top shape. First thing they do on certification day is weigh your dog! Walking helps us both get back into shape. Since it won’t be above 32 degrees for the next two weeks, I can see in advance that I will be walking VERY FAST. It’s been cold enough that even Chloe has stayed on track and not attempted to do anything but MOVE. (‘course… that may be because no bunnies are currently out and about).

I’m also using Spark People this year to track my nutrition and fitness. It’s easy, motivating and QUICK. I’ve seen some folks on the website who are Spark SUPER STARS. Honestly, if I had to put that much time into a “new me”, I’d lose myself somewhere. If you are planning and trying to get organized, make it simple, efficient, and fun or you won’t be doing it when February peeps around the corner!

When is Planning Wrong?

Some people work hard to make plans for work, their education, and their lives. They may have short-term goals and long-term goals. They may plan out every tiny detail. The only problem with being this way, is that when “life happens”, it can undermine confidence, destroy good intentions, and serve to produce anxiety at the deepest level. Joyce Meyer said in her book, Be Anxious For Nothing, “Learn from the past and prepare for the future, but live in the present”. She cautions against planning “too much”. Doing so can actually produce anxiety.

Have you ever been anxious? Worried? Sometimes our planning may go awry. None of us PLAN for financial difficulties, sickness, or a death in the family. You can check out my Google calendar and I can guarantee you will not find anywhere that our “Sump pump needs repaired”. We also did not plan for a circuit being “fried” due to my daughter’s space heater. These small, but unexpected bills add up.

No where on my calendar does it say, “Family shares a virus”, yet how often does that happen in any given month? Some people worry excessively about what “may happen”. Perhaps they’ve been hit by life hard and have already learned what the mean and vicious bite of unexpected tragedy feels like! They bear the scars, and fear “all things with teeth” as a result. Joyce Meyer continues in her book to say, “Anxiety is caused by trying to mentally and emotionally get into things that are not here yet or things that have already been — mentally leaving where you are and getting into an area of the past or the future”. We simply cannot plan for everything. Life happens.

The book of Matthew, reminds us, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34). Planning can be helpful – even necessary to help us reach our goals. But write your plan on paper, not stone. Life has a way of changing our plans. It is very healthy to live TODAY to its fullest. If your plan is malleable, it can coordinate with the plans of others. If your plan is in pencil, changes can be made and adaptations created in order to make a “work in progress”. If your plan is on paper, you can wad it up and toss it towards a trashcan; one written in stone can only be hefted around like a burden and eventually dropped – ON YOUR FOOT – in defeat.

Plans are necessary for most people. I plan in advance by carrying extra batteries for my cochlear implant. I make sure I have Chloe’s ‘to go’ bag always stocked and prepared. I check my Google calendar at least three times a day. I have a list of things I MUST do, and a list of “hope to”. My plans do not include falling backwards down the stairs after tripping over our bouncy Elkhound. I didn’t plan it, but tumble I did last week! (Meniere’s has a way of making sure your plans have some fun “Whoops!” in there!). A man in our church had a seizure following the service yesterday. I’m not a gambler, but I’d put “money on it”, that he did not plan for that to happen. (Praying for you T. family!) Make plans, but be prepared for things to happen that you’ve not exactly planned for!

Planning is helpful and can be a great life tool. However, planning excessively can allow anxiety and stress take its toll on you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically. I leave you with a few of my favorite quotes about “planning”:

Henry David Thoreau: “Never look back unless you are planning to go that way”

Philip Crosby: “If anything is certain, it is that change is certain. The world we are planning for today will not exist in this form tomorrow.”

Choice not chance, determines human destiny. (anonymous)

Denise Portis

Looking Back

Published on December 28, 2009December 28, 2009 by hearingelmo2 Comments

Are you gonna smile for our Christmas picture?

I love Christmas. Yet my love for Christmas has changed for all the right reasons. With age comes an appreciation for life and the “Reason for the season”. However, immediately following Christmas there is an anticipation for the closure of yet another year.

For me, that might mean psyching myself up to begin writing 2010 on written documents. I always hope I’ll not even hesitate with the right date by at least… erm… June. It’s a time of preparing resolutions, many of which are repeats. That’s sobering in and of itself!

It’s also a time for reflection, however. I like to look back on a year and really dissect it. Some folks thing this extremely odd, or perhaps even unhealthy. Certainly it can be unhealthy if your reflection becomes a yearning and stubborn refusal to move on with life. It can be challenging when that reflection encompasses a year that was really difficult. For me… difficulty is defined by what kind of emotional, mental and spiritual year it was.

Defining “Difficult”

At some point in my life, I may have thought that physical problems characterized a difficult year. However, I’ve experienced brain injury, high risk pregnancies, acquired disabilities and gray hair. Perhaps my own perspective would be different had I experienced living with a terminal illness. Likely, there are those who have extremely different opinions about what constitutes a “tough year” because of such illnesses.

For now, “difficult” includes all of those emotional, mental and spiritual problems that have me sending S.O.S. prayers. Perhaps because I’m a wife and mother, it is much harder for me to deal with difficulties when they happen to people I care about. I suppose there is some truth to the saying that God gives grace to the individual facing the trial. My loved ones “going through it” eventual find the strength to push through and grow. I’m often left feeling and re-living the trauma of their pain long after they have moved on with life.

Having experienced just such a year, one where those I loved experienced the kind of struggles, trials and heartaches that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, I recognize a tiny step of growth.

Own What is Yours

It may be because my children are no longer small and the fact that they are young adults, that I can entrust them to God more easily than I have in the past. Sure… it may be because I’ve finally developed that good habit and it just happens to coincide with their age! I think it more has to do with realizing at some point that even hard years are good for them… just as they were good for me.

When I began losing my hearing after the birth of my son at the age of 25, it was gradual enough that I was able to pretend it wasn’t happening for a good number of years. It wasn’t until I was much closer to 30 that I realized I needed to go see my doctor and then an audiologist regarding my hearing and balance. Over the following decade, I would learn that the emotional toll of hearing loss was much more difficult to work through that actually learning to live with the hearing loss itself. I suppose the most important thing I learned was that my husband, my mother, and my friends were incapable of helping me learn to live with hearing loss. Certainly their support eventually helped me learn to “stand on my own two feet”. Much like a baby pulling itself up on wobbly, inexperienced legs, I had to to take that first step and then another. My “support” network was there to cheer and clap and catch me should they see me falling. But learning to “walk” required that I take that first step. Ultimately, I learned that there was only One who would not let me down. People are… well – they’re people! Human, and fallible in spite of good intentions and commitment! I honestly do not know how I would have ever lived through learning to live in a world gone “silent” if not for my relationship with God. This relationship was not dependent on the ability to communicate using ears.

I believe that every person may grow and thrive if they learn to “own what is their own”. I run into (both physically and virtually) many different people who are going through many different kinds of things. What has been hard for me as a mother is to recognize that my own children must do the same. I can remain supportive and pray for them. I can offer advice (sometimes solicited but usually NOT). I can be there to extend a helping hand when they fall… because they will. Looking back on 2009, I could allow myself to be overcome with sorrow at the pain, suffering and heartache one of my children has experienced. They are still dealing with the effects of these difficulties. And yet… they ARE dealing with it.

Be an Example… the Good Kind

You never know who may be watching. It could be your child, spouse or significant other. The ‘watcher’ may be a co-worker, a family member or a neighbor. It may be that cashier you see every week at the grocery store. It may be someone you share an elevator with every single work day. What exactly do I want people to see? What remains the best influence, the best example? Handling life in a good way, or belly-achin’ about how unfair it all can be?

I lay in the wet yard this past Wednesday staring at the sky. I could feel the cold, melted snow seeping into my clothing and hair. I lay there waiting for the world to stop spinning and closed my eyes to shorten that “wait”. Chloe licked my face once every minute or so, and I opened an eye to look at her. With a wag of her tail she placed a paw on my chest and looked into my face as if to say, “Hey Denise! Why are we laying in the mud? It’s OK that we are, but I just wanted to make sure you haven’t given me a command that I missed. You ended up here in a hurry, and I may have missed something?”

I took the five long minutes that it took to eventually sit up and then pull myself into a wobbly stand. Chloe continued to wag her tail and did a “play bow“, enticing me to take a dive into the puddle again if it was really something I wanted to do. By this point, I was crying and feeling awfully sorry for myself. I tucked my cochlear implant into my pocket and made a bee-line for the back door and my “Dry ‘n Store”. The kids both gone to work and my hubby working in his office, I was able to hop into the shower at 6 PM without anyone the wiser. With clean pajamas I knocked on hubby’s office door, pointed to my head and said, “I’m deaf“, just to inform him he was going to have to use Chloe should he need me. I stomped into the QUIET ROOM (so named in order to remind the entire family that no electronics, music, or noise are allowed in this safe and quiet “haven”) and eased myself into a chair to fume.

I’m proud to say that my pity party was at least short-lived. I don’t like falling, but falling is just as much a part of my life as hearing loss is. I deal with it, because it is mine to deal with!

2009 wasn’t easy, but I survived. Can you “look back” and say the same? Is there at least some measurable growth in the way you respond to life and it’s challenges? As I “look back”, there are plenty of times I can say, “Heck! I should have done better!” Even those “times” are growth… for I recognize my mistakes and willingness to do better. The book of Haggai is short, yet contains the word “consider” five times. One can easily substitute the word “reflect” and the meaning is not changed at all.

Let us all consider our ways, and let us reflect. By doing so we can enter 2010 with a determination and resolve that is much stronger than a resolution. My earnest prayer?

Lord? Help me DEAL WITH IT!

Denise Portis

P.S. “Hearing Elmo” is looking for guest writers for 2010. If you have a connection to hearing loss, Meniere’s disease, or assistance dogs, and would like to write a “guest article”, please email me at denise.portis@gmail.com and type “Hearing Elmo” in the subject line. “Hearing Elmo” is looking for people with different perspectives and even like-minded individuals to encourage others through their own experiences. Happy New Year!

Ingrained Habits

Published on December 14, 2009December 14, 2009 by hearingelmoLeave a comment

Chloe and Denise at Fidos For Freedom on the training floor…

Being a hearing assistance dog, Chloe has been taught to do automatic retrieves in case I drop something I do not hear. She loves to do directed retrieves as well, but the automatic retrieve is something that is more ingrained for her. It is literally automatic… like 2nd nature, and most definitely an ingrained habit.

This week Chloe and I are testing 3rd graders for CCA with a national standardized test. Want to know something I discovered? Third grade students drop a lot of stuff.

Frequently.

Randomly.

And never notice.

Chloe DOES notice. Even though I am not the one who dropped it, her first impulse is to even break a command like a down/stay and go and get it for me. During the first test, I had to remind her a couple of times to stay put out of harm’s way and let the child get the pencil, paper, or water bottle lid that fell to the floor under the desk.

It was really tough for her. Automatic retrieves are a default setting for her. On the trip home, I thought about my morning and Chloe’s responses. What is MY default setting? What ingrained habits do I have?

Self-evaluation

Geesh. Don’t you hate reflective moods? (GRIN) It was a 45 minute trip home, so I had nothing better to do. Stuck in traffic on the way into town this morning meant I had already listened to two full hours of Christmas music. I couldn’t take anymore of that! So I decided to reflect!

Ya know? I’m not proud of all of my default settings. Some of them are rather negative.

1. As long as I’ve been a “late-deafened” adult, or hard-of-hearing for those of you who prefer that, you’d think I’d be use to people getting frustrated at having to repeat things for me from time to time. If I get a long-suffering sigh, I’m usually ok. No reaction and I realize it really CAN be tough to have to repeat something so often… especially if we are in a noisy environment. If I get an eye-roll or condescending attitude, however, I want to strangle the life out of someone! And well? Murder is still a crime in the U.S. (sigh). So, yeah! I’ve got to work on that default setting. There is an operational procedure that is much more beneficial to me. Patience, understanding, empathy, and even forgiveness may be some things I need to make sure are activated when someone’s response to repeating themselves is not what I’d hope.

2. When I’m tired, I’m a monster and don’t care. Ask my family. A cranky Denise is a mean, critical and onery Denise. I try so hard not to be, and now that I’m in my 40’s I certainly succeed some. But… ideally? I need to make sure I get enough rest. I plan my sleep schedule like it’s something important. Now… I don’t exactly have it entered on my Google calendar, but folks? I make sure I get plenty of rest. I try to make sure I always get at least eight hours of sleep a night. And you know what? As a person with a hearing loss, I have learned that if I can get nine hours of sleep I am really at my best. Hearing takes work. At the end of a really long day of conversations, meetings, and communication… my brain feels like mush. If I’m not getting enough rest, I get to that “mush” place much earlier in the evening.

3. The sky is NOT falling. I’m a bit of a pessimist. Some who know me well might argue that I’m a wee bit more than a “bit” of a pessimist. I work on that a great deal. I consider it a very poor default setting. When something bad happens, I tend to believe that something else bad is going to happen in addition to that first “chunk of sky that clunked me on the head”. I will likely have to work on changing this default setting the rest of my life. It is THAT ingrained. I have to work on being more optimistic.

4. Agree to disagree. I’ve actually changed in this regard to some degree. In the past, I use to think that two people could agree to disagree, but then I’d have to STOP LIKING THEM! (When this is your spouse… that is not altogether a good thing!) Sure! I’d think, “Ok… we can’t agree here, so we will just agree to disagree!” But then in my mixed up thinking, because they were WRONG (grin), we weren’t “ok” until they came around to my way of thinking! Whew! At least there has been some major growth in this area. I am actually good friends with numerous people whom I do not see “eye to eye” with on every little thing.

What are your ingrained habits? Especially those that may pertain to an acquired disability? Are they positive or negative? More important, are they things that you can change?

Something else I discovered today: Chloe thinks 3rd grade boys have an amazing speech pattern. After all, they don’t actually use WORDS. They use sounds! For example:

“So… I threw the ball and it went WOOOOOSH, right by my head! It clocked me right in the head, BONK! So I started yelling for mom… “AAAARGH” I could hear her coming down the stairs, CLUMP, CLUMP, CLUMP. I could tell she was mad!” I think Chloe would like it if I talked a little bit more like a 3rd grade boy!

Denise Portis

Something’s Missing…

Published on December 7, 2009 by hearingelmo7 Comments

My daughter was about 75% finished with this Thomas Kinkade puzzle when she realized she was missing a piece!

This past week, my daughter realized she was missing a piece of a puzzle. In spite of this, she stubbornly completed it. Her original intent was to frame the completed project, but after the missing piece was discovered she dejectedly took it apart and put it up. At least she didn’t let it get her too down… she went out and purchased a bigger, more colorful puzzle the next day!

Ever Feel Like Something is Missing?

We’ve had a tough month here in the Portis household. There have been some pretty major events that have taken its toll on us emotionally and physically. Terry has finally stopped having bad dreams at night, and my doctor is now “on my case” as it ultimately disrupted my once regulated blood pressure. I was forced to make a medication change, and I see her again in two weeks. Basically this has NOT BEEN FUN.

When our children are little and something hurts them… chances are a “barbie doll band aid” or “spider man patch” was enough to make the “owwie” feel better. If their feelings were hurt, a simple pep talk and instructions to “shake hands and say you are sorry” sufficed. Having young adult children is no easy task. They are independent thinkers and for the most part make daily decisions with only occasional requests for advice from mom and dad. Kyersten will only be living at home full-time for another 8 months as she transfers to a 4-year college next August. Needless to say, I am “treasuring up” these days. Both of our kids work part-time and go to school full-time. They serve in our church and are busy. They are also old enough for life to hit them hard with tragedy and heart ache. As young adults, their “boo-boos” are more serious. It’s very difficult as parents seeing your child face their first “life changing challenge”. It won’t be their last, but it isn’t fun to witness the first and be helpless to intervene.

Perhaps because we’ve been experiencing some very real emotional duress, I have been “waiting for the other shoe to drop“. Have you ever felt that way? It may be that you’ve been through something difficult and even though things are looking up, you sense something bad is still going to happen. Perhaps it’s the result of living for a prolonged period of time under stress. I think we can get in the habit of feeling stress and pressure. Even when life begins to smooth out, we are in the habit of waking up tense. I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen again.

I wake up that way, and go to bed the same. This has affected even my tinnitus, balance and hearing! Stress and pressure only make acquired disabilities seem worse. Oh sure! This trial has brought me to my knees in a hurry. I believe in prayer and do not have to be coached to go to God when I need advice, comfort, healing, forgiveness or thankfulness. When tragedy strikes, I do have to remind myself… “GO PRAY”, because I’m often just trying to stay in one piece. S.O.S. prayers are harder for me… I guess because I’m already under stress and have little emotion or brain cells for doing something different.

snow1 — Face toward Heaven... Chloe can set a good example

We just had a beautiful snow here in Maryland. We received 3-4 inches and it was the lovely, huge, fluffy flakes. Chloe and our family dog, Tyco, love the snow. Tyco loves it because he’s an Elkhound… a winter breed. Chloe loves it because it makes everything smell better. Being a hound-mix, she has a better sniffer… than even Tyco. Her muzzle, nose and floppy jowls were all made to collect and intensify scent. She can even smell a scent on the air and may taste and savor it by licking at the air with deep breaths and puffs! When snow is on the ground, smells are intensified, and she LOVES IT. She would spend hours in the yard if I could endure the cold that long.

Today in the yard, the dogs raced around the yard to play. While Tyco went to make his rounds along the perimeter of our fence, Chloe trotted around the yard, nose to the ground, sniffing and tracking all the wildlife scents left from critters in our yard from the early morning hours. She would trace many all the way to the fence and stop when she realized “it had gone over”. She would quickly pick up another scent, and race after it even if it sent her in circles, up and over tree stumps, or scrambling through the wintry bushes. Chloe was getting herself worked up over one scent trail, and I suspect it may have been something “bigger than normal” by the way she was snuffling, whining, and tracking. Eventually, she stopped her frenzied tracking and stopped short with limbs trembling and deep sighs. With the last bit of snow melting away between her footpads, Chloe turned her nose towards Heaven and stood in perfect stillness for almost 5 minutes. The only thing I could see moving was her nostrils and her ribcage. She even closed her eyes and enjoyed the scent of the air… of winter…

It struck me how poignantly clear her example was to me as her human partner. After a disappointing “hunt”, she was still able to enjoy what she was good at… smelling the scents of the winter bouquet caught up in the chilly breeze around us. I realized that although our family has experienced something that will always “show” as a heart scar in our lives, I cannot forget that life is usually VERY GOOD. I had to take a minute and point my own nose towards Heaven to express “thanks” for life and the blessings I have.

Get on Livin’ it!

Don’t allow yourself to look at life’s stresses and tragedy as the “norm”. To easily we embrace what we feel is our “lot” or what we deserve. Bad things happen… and they happen to every person. Matthew 5:45: “For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” Bad things happen to good people. (Bad things happen to bad people too, but they are usually more of a life consequence than a random occurrence!) Don’t anticipate that bad things are going to happen. Life is good.

Denise Portis

Collision

Published on November 30, 2009November 30, 2009 by hearingelmo3 Comments

pastor drew3 — Pastor Drew Boswell instructs one of his twins, step-by-step through the process of climbing a mountain.

Our church just finished a series of messages called “Yellow, Red, Orange: Imagine the Impact When Church and Family Collide”. Yellow was a message about the church and its place in our everyday lives. Red was about the home and our priorities within it. Orange was a message about the collision of church and home; the result was a new color… orange. Orange is distinctive and the parts mixed have to be “just right”. Orange people have the right balance. The week we discussed the home, Pastor Drew took one of his twins and instructed him on how to safely climb a mountain. It was a fantastic object lesson for doing more than verbally instructing someone.

pastor drew — Not quite to the top yet, but close!

In order to make the biggest difference, in order to have the most lasting impact on the life of another, one needs to commit to hands-on training.

pastor drew2 — Climbing with someone with more experience makes a difference.

Pastor Drew‘s son made it to the top safely because of the: 1) instruction received by someone more experienced than he was, 2) the strong “spotters” on the floor who were one of the numerous safety precautions, and 3) his dad was stronger than he was and could assist him while also getting himself safely to the top.

Strong Examples

One of the things I like best about attending training sessions at Fidos For Freedom in Laurel, MD, is that teaching takes place between clients as well as client-trainer. There are clients who are culturally Deaf and late-deafened. Some clients use walkers or canes, while others are in wheelchairs or power scooters. New clients tend to gravitate towards other clients who have similar challenges. They are encouraged to ask questions. “Old-timer” clients and newbies both benefit from open communication. Having an assistance dog and a hearing loss is different than having a service dog and mobility challenges.

At the Hearing Loss Association of America – Frederick County chapter, new people attend not really knowing what to expect. An unexpected blessing and support often comes in the form of another person with hearing loss who has more experience. That experience can include things like advocacy, technical advice regarding hearing assistive technology, coping techniques with family and friends, and communication tips. Veteran members are strong examples because they had someone come along side them to assist when hearing loss was new to them.

I love interacting with other people who have Meniere’s disease, have hearing loss, are survivors of brain injury, or have cochlear implants. They are my “peer group”, and we learn from each other and make a difference by sharing our own life experiences as they pertain to these issues. Journeys are much more enjoyable with company.

“Life” Makes Us Good at SOMETHING

We are a sum of our parts; rather, who we are is the result of our life experiences. Not all of those experiences have been positive. In fact, some of those experiences may have been very negative, ushering in a major change in our life’s path. Some of the experiences were very positive. All experiences were used to teach us. I am unique and my life has had plenty of good and bad experiences. My life is only wasted when I choose to selfishly harbor all of those teaching experiences.

Some people think that something must be profound in order for anyone to profit from our sharing. On the contrary – life’s most ordinary lessons can make a difference to someone. This past week someone told me that they “discovered” the culinary pleasure of adding a little Feta cheese to chicken noodle soup. I’ve eaten this new-found delight four times this week! I’ve also had someone tell me that “parenting becomes a spectator sport when your children become adults… they still need you, but not in a participatory fashion”. This shared life experience has helped me as well.

Sometimes people may share something with you that you tuck away as an alternative viewpoint, but it may have only served to strengthen a perviously determined goal or decision. It may have been an opinion contrary to your own chosen morals, standards, beliefs and values. It still served a purpose; if not for any other reason than to strengthen a different decision. Don’t be afraid to share your life, both the mundane and profound experiences.

Imagine the Impact

I have been very up front with others about my faith. I do not believe religion has anything to do with real and lasting faith. At some point in time I determined that I was going to live out my faith. Who I was at church, would be who I was at home. The person my peers see at work, is the same person I am at home. Certainly, I am more “at ease” and comfortable in my pajamas drinking green tea and curled up with Chloe than I am when dressed in a business suit at work. Rather, I am talking about that inner person… the real me. I don’t want to be two-faced in my faith nor in my life.

Imagine how our relationships would change if we allowed God and our priorities that center around our faith, collide with the priorities we have at home and work. We’d all be walking around ORANGE, and more REAL than any past facade we once tried to model for others. If you walk around YELLOW, you have separated yourself from the world to the point you are not interacting or making a difference to those around you. You are very spiritual, but not very faithful. If you walk around RED, you quickly become self-centered and only see your immediate needs and problems. Complete independence isn’t a sign of strength. We were created to be dependent and to need relationships. ORANGE people strike that healthy balance. ORANGE people are influential without even trying.

Denise Portis

Operation Christmas Child and Thankfulness

Published on November 23, 2009 by hearingelmo1 Comment

Chloe and I went shopping for items to put into our Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes on Saturday. Armed with the following list, Chloe and I marched into the retail world:

GIFT IDEAS

TOYS
small cars, balls, dolls, stuffed animals, kazoos, harmonicas, yo-yos, jump ropes, small Etch A Sketch®, toys that light up or make noise (with extra batteries), Slinky®, etc.

SCHOOL SUPPLIES
pens, pencils and sharpener, crayons or markers, stamps and ink pad sets, writing pads or paper, solar calculators, coloring and picture books, etc.

HYGIENE ITEMS
toothbrush, toothpaste, mild bar soap (in a plastic bag), comb, washcloth, etc.

OTHER
Hard candy and lollipops (please double bag all candy), mints, gum, T-shirts, socks, ball caps; sunglasses, hair clips, toy jewelry, watches, flashlights (with extra batteries)

As a family, we had agreed to do one shoebox for a girl, and one shoebox for a boy. This year we chose to do items for two children ages 10-14 years old. At some point in the shopping trip, I realized how sobering it was to realize that for some children a pad of paper, pencils, and stickers were considered a luxury item. When I purchased some toothbrushes and toothpaste, the idea really came to settle in my heart and mind. We are so blessed here in the United States. Many items to us are necessities and common staples of our every day life. To children in other countries, those same items may be considered true luxuries and priceless gifts.

For the boy package, we purchased stickers, pads of paper, pencils, crayons, small slinky, small book, pencil sharpener, kaleidoscope, kazoo, skipper jump rope, ball, toothbrush, toothpaste, hand puppet of a triceratops, and some other odds and ends.

For the girl package, we purchased much of the same, but instead of a kazoo we included a set of bells and the puppet was a ladybug.

Perhaps it is because this is the week of Thanksgiving, that I am particular thankful for things I normally take for granted. I’ve often thought about how blessed I am that I live where I do in regards to my hearing loss and Meniere’s disease. I live within “spitting distance” of the Listening Center at Johns Hopkins Hospital, and my cochlear implant surgeon was one of the best in the country. I can easily purchase batteries for my CI, and have access to other assistive listening devices. I live within 65 miles of Fidos For Freedom, who only match assistance dogs with people within a certain radius of their organization. It is one of their commitments to provide follow-up training and support for the life of the dog. Trainers are all volunteers and live locally, so to participate and become matched with one of their special dogs one must live within a certain “workable distance”.

If you are having difficulty finding a way to be thankful this year due to life’s stresses, problems and trials… pack a shoe box for Operation Christmas Child! I think it will quickly help you discover things you are truly grateful for in the end! Plus… you will make a difference to a child who may never know the true meaning of Christmas if not for you! Check out the link and find out where the nearest drop-off location is for YOU!

Operation Christmas Child Link

Denise Portis

Braille Menus

Published on November 17, 2009November 20, 2009 by hearingelmo5 Comments

Kyersten, my “going on 20” daughter and I, went to Baltimore yesterday. She had a field trip she had to complete in order to earn some extra credit in her 200 level zoology class that she is taking. This has been a TOUGH class for her and she earnestly reasoned with me why she so desperately needed the car to go the National Aquarium. She can be pretty convincing. I had not been in awhile, so invited myself along so that I could spend some one-on-one time with her. Perhaps since we’ve recently visited some colleges on her “short list” that she will be transferring to next Fall, it was still keenly evident to me how precious little time I have left with her before life really changes! She was very willing to endure my company and cheerfully agreed (even before I promised lunch out!).

The aquarium is a great place to be with a CI and working dog. There is SO much to hear, and it can be a great place to practice using some of my special programs like “BEAM” to hear just Kyersten in a din of NOISE. It is good for Chloe, for we do not frequent really noisy places out of habit. It is good practice for her to stay calm and focused amidst all the “merry mayhem”. Towards the end she was wagging her tail at every squealing group of school children, and even met another service dog. Butch was a HUGE black lab that was built like a tank. He was very “lab-like” and friendly. He and Chloe said a brief hello and went on accompanying their partners. Chloe was much more relaxed after that – smile. A harmless moment of flirtation is enough to put the wag in the tail of my hound dog!

11152_318023275236_503755236_9612701_5888505_n — A Dolphin Show can be really noisy and tough to hear at with all the echo! Doesn't keep it from being REALLY FUN!

Lunch at the Cheesecake Factory

I gave Kyersten the option of several places to eat there in the Inner Harbor. She gave me one of those “duh” looks that 19-year-old’s are so good at… She loves cheesecake, so I really didn’t need to ask her! She eats a pretty light lunch there in order to save room for what is important. CHEESECAKE. Smart kid, yes?

Even though it was 12:30, we didn’t have to wait in line at all. Perhaps because it was a weekday? The young man asked us to follow him back through the restaurant. The area he led us to looked out over the promenade and one wall was all glass. I made the mistake of glancing around too much and caught site of the ceiling fans in my peripheral. I sort of “toppled” with a decided lack of GRACE into my chair. Kyersten just grinned at me, as she guessed my problem. I situated Chloe under the table, and turned to look at the young man who seated us.

“May I bring you a Braille menu, ma-am?” he asked politely.

I could see Kyersten’s eyes widen across the table.

Without missing a beat, I pointed to my CI and said, “Oh no thank you! I’m fine with this one” (and then pointed down to the regular novel-length menu on the table).

When the young man walked away, Kyersten rolled her eyes and said, “OH BRUUUTHER!”

I just grinned and said, “Hey! He was polite, and I do have a service dog with me. I toppled into the chair… for all he knows I don’t see well!”

Kyersten just looked at me, and looked at the cochlear implant on my head decorated in gold, red and green jewels for Christmas. She then looked at the opposite ear with the prominent BTE hearing aide and bright red ear mold.

She didn’t say another word, but that 2nd eye roll said it all.

Not the first, won’t be the last!

This was not the first time I’ve ever been offered a Braille menu before. I have friends with low-vision or are legally blind. I appreciate the fact that many restaurants have Braille menus!

I also appreciate it when restaurants train their employees “enough” that they have learned to recognize someone with a special need. Oh sure! They might not identify the need correctly, but I truly believe it is the thought that counts! When I have students in my ASL classes do projects like “go to the mall” without your voice and only sign, (“Deaf for a Day“), many come back to class and tell me that they were offered a Braille menu at the food court at various places. We discuss how they handled this and what this may mean.

Hearing Loss is Unique to Each Individual

Hearing loss itself is unique to every individual. The disability is not a “cookie cutter” change in hearing. I get some responses from people sometimes that do not like that I use the “disability” word. I’m OK with that, and respect their opinion and choice to not identify with that word. Personally, I am OK with admitting that I have a disability. I believe it does not strip away any power, self-esteem or pride to admit that. I am NOT, however, disabled. Yet, my disability may not be anything like that another person with hearing loss experiences.

I have Meniere’s disease. I do not meet many people with hearing loss who have Meniere’s. I am bi-modal (one CI, one hearing aid). I am more likely to meet bi-lateral people if I meet someone with a cochlear implant now! (Which I think is JUST TERRIFIC!) What they experience in their hearing loss is different than what I experience. Some people use a “bit of sign”, while others are culturally Deaf and do not use their voice at all. Some people have hearing aids that they do very well with, while others put their own in a drawer and “fake it” through life. I hear very well in quiet to “medium-noise” environments. I don’t even have to speech read anymore thanks to the wonderful technology of my Nucleus Freedom! However, in really noisy environments I do have to speech read even when using special programs. Other people with cochlear implants may do better in noisy situations.

I have had the privilege of participating in various forums, workshops, conferences and conventions. I have seen people with hearing loss really become defensive with other people with hearing loss. You know? (scratching head and really ponderin’ on that) I just don’t get that! So what if someone hands you a Braille menu! Were they genuinely trying to help? Does it matter that they don’t realize your hearing loss is different than their own? Perhaps they do not understand that what works for them may not work for you. Why come unglued and act defensive?

Here are a few real-life examples I have observed:

1. A person with hearing loss walked up to another person with hearing loss and pointed to their wires connected to their body-worn processor for their cochlear implant. “Why on earth would you wear something like that with all those wires showing?” Oh yeah… that produced a positive response!

2. “Bling” on cochlear implants and hearing aids are often disdained by other people with hearing loss.

3. “Why would you go with THAT company for your CI? The one I went with is so much better and their success rate is much higher!” (Should we just be happy someone is HEARING AGAIN?)

4. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch the last part of what you said”. “What? You have a cochlear implant now, shouldn’t you be hearing better than I am with two hearing aids?” (Yeah… as long as you aren’t talking while crunching raw broccoli, bozo…)

Let’s face it! We will likely meet someone else with hearing loss who has chosen different techniques, coping mechanisms and technology in order to live life to its fullest. They may hand us a Braille menu. Our response should be positive… and let them know we genuinely appreciate their attempt to be helpful. An angry retort, thrown “menu”, defensive attitude and “hearing loss sermon” will not bring anything positive out of their mistake. Relax. Smile. Educate in a positive way.

Denise Portis