"Brave" Hearted People

Ok, I have to admit I’m not really a big “BraveHeart” fan. But my husband and son are crazy about the movie as they are both history/war buffs. The Scottish uprisings certainly do not have a great number of movies based on them, but this movie has had rave reviews… among men at least.

What does a “brave” heart mean? I certainly know what “brave” does not mean… especially in light of hearing loss.

Some Deaf (those culturally Deaf), and late-deafened people have very pronounced bravado. This is quite different than “being brave”. Bravado … according to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary… is “to challenge, show off; a blustering swaggering conduct or pretense of bravery; the quality or state of being foolhardy”. These type of people demand respect, even though they respect no one. They challenge people “out of the blue”, assuming a whispered conversation is about them… or should at least be accessible to them. They shove their “needs” to the forefront, discounting the need for basic civility and respect for others. They assume the worse about every situation, and demand retribution. Then they swagger away as if they have done the hard of hearing community a favor.

I have seen deafened adults treat wait staff in restaurants and employees of retail establishments with extreme discourtesy. They “LOUDLY” make a big deal about their disability, and try to demean the person who very likely did not even notice their deafness when the faux pas occurred. After all, hearing loss is an invisible disability.

But it is only “bravado” that insists on negative public recognition of one’s disability. “Bravery”… a “brave heart”, belongs to the deafened person who educates with courtesy and respect. It takes one deafened person full of “bravado” to ruin a hearing person’s opinion of the late-deafened and people with hearing loss. It takes numerous encounters of a “brave-hearted” person with hearing loss to undo the damage.

This should make us all think. Anytime we “lose it” whether in public or private, numerous “brave hearted” encounters are needed to undo the damage. Being “brave hearted” means that you apologize when you have handled something poorly.

I hope that I exhibit more “brave hearted” qualities than ill-disguised bravado.

Denise Portis
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

3 Reasons for Teaching

My kids bought me this plaque last year. Kinda cute, idn’t it?

However, I was praying for my classes this morning (prior to sitting down and grading their papers – good time to pray for them, yes?) and I got to thinkin’ on what are the top 3 reasons I teach. I’ve narrowed it down, but it was hard!

#1 Love for the Deaf
If I didn’t love the Deaf, I’d have no interest in being the best ASL teacher
God has equipped me to be!

#2 Love for Students
A student gave me a copy of a poem she was writing this week. It was beautifully written, and yet I could see many heartaches in between the lines. Things like this make it very easy to pray for my students – they are people too with real needs and concerns.

#3 Love to be Used
Being a person with a disability… in which no amount of bionics will completely “make new”, there is nothing quite like knowing you can still be used by God.

Denise Portis
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

Are you in "Park", or are you in "Drive"

Our pastor has been preaching on a great series called “Fuel”. I’m able to get almost everything he says, as much is visually referred to on the screen behind him with the main points… scripture references, etc.

I think I miss some things sometimes… especially when I’m trying to make sense of phrases that I’m not really familiar with as I do not HEAR these phrases in our culture today. For example, a couple of weeks ago prior to showing a video clip of something he put together, he said, “Roll that beautiful being privilege”. Since this made ZERO sense to me I turned to my husband with a question mark on my face. Now every spouse of anyone who is hard-of-hearing or late deafened know this look. If you could paint a giant question mark on my face, it couldn’t be any clearer than what this “look” means. Eyebrows raised, and a slightly astonished “o” look of my mouth.

Without missing a beat, Terry entoned carefully, “Roll that beautiful BEAN FOOTAGE”. Say what? Roll the WHAT?

Now I watch Bush’s baked bean commericals, but as my family pointed out hours after the service while still trying to explain it to me, closed captioning just doesn’t do the WAY “Roll that beautiful bean footage” is said. And evidently my pastor has this phrase NAILED.

We’ve really enjoyed going to Summit Trace… and I’ve even been able to quickly translate into ASL phrases such as… “track with me”, and “crazy sick”. My ASL is being updated into the 21st century! “Track with me” means… “stay with me… are ya following me? Get my meaning?” And “crazy sick” means “how very cool is THIS?” At least… these are the definitions my teenagers explain to me on a weekly basis.

This morning Pastor Bill explained that if you are stuck in “park” and are not in “drive”, then you aren’t being faithful. The Holy Spirit stands by ready to equip us if only we are willing to allow Him to do so. As I thought through this analogy, however, I began thinking that I never go from “park” to “drive”. Gee! There have been times in my life I’ve even gone in “reverse“. But I go from “park” to L1 or L2.

When I was a kid, my dad would take us all to the mountains several times a year. In the Rockies, that meant our van had to be put into low gear. It was the only way to get up some of those moutain roads. I learned pretty quickly that low gear on normal roads, can produce a lot of wear and tear on the engine!

Yet… as a person with a disability, I feel like I go from “park”, straight to low gear. If I’m on a mountain road with lots of other late deafened folks, I feel like I can minister to people. After all, our cars are at a similar angle, working hard at getting up the hill. But on normal roads, my being in low gear means that everyone else (those with normal hearing… the vast majority of folks in my world) are going a little faster – a little smoother. I have to stop for tune ups and oil changes much more often than my hearing friends and family. Their cars drive differently.

So in a church of hearing people, how can I minister to anyone if our cars are in different gears? I’m completely “fried” by 4:00 everyday. Listening by hearing takes a lot of work. My teenagers tuck me into bed every night. As a matter of fact, just last night – my 16-year-old daughter sat on the edge of my bed talking for a minute or two … and told me the next morning that my eyes just closed in exhaustion and I was asleep instantly. Truth be told, I don’t even remember her tucking me in last night. So fatigue is a real enemy I face… symptomatic of my disability.

Plus I’m hard to talk too… I have wires and gadgets and etcs., I employ to better hear to understand people. My cochlear implant is great! I mean, WOW! But if I want to minimize a typical response: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that please?”, I have to be “wired for sound”.

It’s hard being different.

Yet, I believe I am selling the power of the Holy Spirit short. If He is an “additive” I can add to my daily fuel, He meets me where I’m at… I don’t have to be in the same gear as other Christians to be used. Right? Are ya trackin’ with me? My commitment is to read God’s word and pray without ceasing. If the Holy Spirit is enabling me to “run”, I can do so WELL – no matter the gear. Besides… in a very positive way this keeps me incredibly dependent on Him! If I tried to get DENISE to live a righteous life… one pleasing to God… I’d have parts of my engine dropping out of the bottom of my vehicle daily. Dependence isn’t a negative thing after all… it’s an incredibly safe place to be with God. Isn’t that “crazy sick”?

Denise Portis
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

At Blink Out

Our pastor, (Pastor Bill Craig of Summit Trace Church in Frederick… http://www.summittrace.com/index.htm) has been speaking on a series he calls “Blink”. It is based on the scripture that “in the blink of an eye”, we will be with the Lord when we die. (That is if we know Jesus as our personal Savior!)

Yesterday he spoke and asked us all to be mindful of how are we living our lives. Are we living in such a way, that family and friends would have a really difficult time saying good things about us when asked? I want to be mindful of what kind of Christian I am even at home. It’s so easy to think… “Well they have to love me, warts and all!” But when those wart are a quick temper, waking up feeling crifitcal of the world, etc., those warts aren’t really anything more than sin. Are they? So I want to live at home, the same way I live away from home. I want those closest to me to see Jesus living in and through me!

Denise
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

Back to School Night


I teach part-time at a wonderful private school called “Chieftain Institute”. We had our annual “Back to School” night last night and I was able to meet all of my students and their parents. Wouldn’t you know I forgot my ALD’s? (assistive listening devices) My pocket talker is currently inoperative and being repaired, and I left my clipboard at home! Rats! And it works so well! Sigh. At least I didn’t forget any of my things to pass out to the students… including their first homework assignment. They would have been really upset had I forgotten that.

Denise
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

Desperate Attempts to Control: Bulemia

I’m working on something that has been very difficult to write. I think, in part, it is because I have a precious daughter of 16, and I worry about impressions. I want to be a positive role model, someone who is a good example of how to “rest” in who I am in God, and not in who I am or appear to others. Yet, bulimia was a very real problem in my life when I was in my early 20’s. As I begin to work on this project as it relates to hearing loss… know that I am grateful for your prayers in advance.

Denise
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

Testimony

Hello! My name is Denise Portis and I’m very thankful for this opportunity to tell you a little bit about myself. I’ve learned God’s love is even more evident when circumstances are difficult!

I was very fortunate to be raised in a Christian home, and am thankful that I cannot remember a time when God was not the center of my life. It was a result of godly parents that I came to know the Lord at the age of thirteen. Although my salvation was the biggest and BEST thing that ever happened to me, I did experience another day that also completely changed my life.

In August of 1972, at the age of 6-yrs-old, a car struck me as I crossed the street on my way home from school. I suffered numerous injuries, and broken bones. The most serious injury, however, was a brain injury. While the doctors worked to save my life, my parents had relatives request prayer for me from all over the United States. God wasn’t finished with me yet, and miraculously I recovered from most of my injuries. After months of rehabilitation, the doctors operated on my ears for the first time. I have had 3 other operations throughout the years, the last being in 1986.

I don’t think a doctor ever actually said to me that I would eventually lose my hearing to the point that I could not communicate in a normal way one day. As a matter of fact, growing up my hearing was normal enough that I was not considered hearing impaired. Oddly enough, throughout high school and college, I fell in love with sign language and with those who do not hear. Looking back, I can see it was one of the few ways that God was preparing me for my future.

At the age of 25, I began to lose my hearing again. I think it was more noticeable to my family than it was to me. But in 1998, I realized that my hearing in both ears had deteriorated considerably. I went to the doctor to be told that I did indeed have a significant loss, and that little could be done. It seemed almost overnight that life became very difficult. I am almost completely deaf in my left ear, and have a significant loss in the right.

It’s hard to explain exactly how it feels to grow up in a noisy world, and find yourself slipping into a silent one. I could no longer hear the birds sing, or a creek running swiftly over the rocks. I could no longer hear crickets, a kitten’s purr, or the wind blowing through the trees. My heart was broken when I realized I no longer could hear young children’s voices. Although it is the SWEETEST music to me ears, I’ve found that there are times I cannot hear my OWN children’s voices. I became depressed, even angry. I dropped out of ministries that I had been involved with for years in my church. Conversation had become something I dreaded and even feared. It was a very dark time for me. But God was there. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” And He had not. It was during this time of silence, that I really began to HEAR.

My Heavenly Father took this time to teach me how to really pray. It was only while in prayer that I could communicate effectively. Conversation is a very difficult thing for a hearing impaired person. I would come home from meetings with headaches because it would take such intense concentration to read lips and to understand what was said.

But prayer was different! In this… solace… of prayer, I could climb up in the Father’s lap and have a conversation without any barriers. I didn’t have to read His lips; I didn’t have to struggle to understand. I knew God could hear me, and I could hear Him.

As I also began to read my Bible more, I was amazed to realize that He wanted to spend time with me in the way as much as I wanted to spent time with HIM. What Father does NOT want to talk to His children? I read everything I could get my hands on about prayer. I found myself praying…A LOT! I started a prayer journal, and began seeing prayers answered. I would fill up journal after journal with prayers. I also found that I’d catch myself praying while doing the dishes, or working in the yard. I was praying like I’d never prayed in my entire Christian walk! It was during this time that God reminded me that He didn’t develop a spiritual gift in my life, to let it sit on the shelf – unused. I had known and used a gift of teaching since the age of 16 years old! But I had dropped out of every teaching ministry I had! How could someone who struggled to hear – teach? Well obviously when God equips… one can DO. I found myself teaching again although something I had never dreamed God would have me teaching. As I had become involved in the deaf ministry at my church, I was asked to teach American Sign Language. Unbelievably, I found myself teaching again. I can’t express what a joy it was teach my language from a Christian perspective! What a joy to share personal stories and to help “demystify” what being hearing-impaired means! I have also had the joy of teaching my children ASL, and they are very comfortable with hearing impaired people. One of the teenagers I had the privilege of teaching ASL, graduated in May and will be pursuing a major in deaf education! I can’t tell you how that blesses my heart! I’ve even been able to teach my husband some sign! I had to teach him the most important things first… Like “I love you and “Sorry I’m wrong”

I can’t stand here and claim to be a super Christian! I still have bad days where I feel very, VERY sorry for myself. However, it is wonderful to see God working over the years and to see Him continue to work today! Through spending so much time in prayer, I have never felt more LOVED by God. Because I grew up in a Christian home, I had been taught that God loved me. The scriptures are full of verses that attest to this! However, it never became more real to me than when I began to pray… Really pray.

Many of you pray, but perhaps not in earnest. I was the same kind of Christian myself once. I prayed before meals, or when I needed something. Losing my hearing has been an adjustment for my entire family. However, I can stand today and honestly say I would not take back normal hearing, in exchange for what I’ve learned about prayer. I try not categorize these years as “becoming a woman with hearing loss” Instead, I thankfully recognize this time in my life as, “becoming a woman of prayer”.

Thank you!
Denise Portis
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

Perspective

Perspective
7/17/06

Webster’s dictionary is a book I keep on my desk in my home office, simply because it is in frequent use as I have teenagers at home who argue constantly about whether or not they used a word correctly. We are big on vocabulary and take quizzes in Reader’s Digest, challenge each other daily, and always see what Yahoo posts for their “word for the day”.

Today as I began a new entry in my hearing loss journal, I looked up the word “perspective”. I was astonished at the number of definitions for the word, many of which I have never used. Numerous definitions had to do with how one physically views an object, and it took me awhile to find my way to the definition from which I normally use the word. “A point of view; the capacity to view things in their true relation or relative importance”.

Perspective is a funny thing. Influences that can greatly vary one’s perspective include age, gender, childhood, life’s successes and failures, faith, and personalities.

This morning I happened to get a note on my sidebar, that my daughter’s blog had been updated. Kyersten is sixteen years old, and is the oldest of two. She had updated her family’s biography page which, of course, included the four members of our family. At first glance, I was delighted to see she hadn’t included the menagerie of animals we own. I always hate to see all of our critters identified in one long, “oh my gosh they have a small zoo” list!

Under each family member’s name, Kyersten had written a very brief bio, including important things like occupation, hobbies, etc. I read what she wrote about “Mom”, and then read it again more slowly.

She never mentioned my hearing loss.

I began losing my hearing at the age of twenty-five, and was deaf by the age of thirty-seven. Kyersten has only known me as a late-deafened adult, as she was born two months before my first “good grief you really do have a hearing loss audiogram”. Even though I have a cochlear implant now, she always faces me when she speaks. She and her brother learned to do so as toddlers. Since I don’t always have my CI on, I have not tried to break them of this habit. Besides, we know so many people with hearing loss it is not a bad habit! Making eye contact and speaking clearly are good skills to have. When I don’t have my CI on, they tap me and begin signing.

As I re-read her blog update for the third time, and pushed my now COLD coffee away, I found myself having difficulty digesting the fact that her perspective of who “Mom” is does not include hearing loss.

I realized that my own perspective of who I am, very much includes the fact that I am deaf. That’s not something I struggle with, or find myself wishing were different. But I consider myself a late-deafened adult.

My first conscious thought in the morning, is the fact that everything is silent and shouldn’t be. It has taken me almost four years to re-focus, so that I am not overcome with anxious thoughts in that silence. As a matter of fact, I am comfortable enough with my deafness to not have to reach for my CI when my feet first hit the floor in the morning. I enjoy coffee, breakfast and some “alone time” for about an hour prior to opening the Dry N’ Store for my CI and HA.

Yet, when the magnet of my CI coil connects and I “hear” – my world seems to right itself. I “hear”, and my heart’s desire is to hear. Hearing with a CI does not mean I hear everything. I still have to work very hard to communicate well, and there are hearing environments that are impossible.

Although my perspective of who I am includes deafness, I would not change the fact that I am. My life’s experiences have culminated into what is “me”. We are constantly changing, and hopefully growing. I take my life’s motto very seriously, “Getting by was never our destiny. We were meant to be profoundly effective!” (Borrowed from best-selling author Beth Moore’s books). Yes, I am deaf and now have a CI. But I yearn to make a difference “in spite of”.

Kyersten gave no thought to including “deaf” as she chose words and phrases to describe her mom. Somewhere along the line, I must have done something right. That she doesn’t view me as one who is defined by a disability, must mean that somewhere – somehow – I have not let hearing loss cripple me. I am her quirky, active, mother who loves her, with some very normal AND some very strange hobbies. Now if I can just convince her not to let the world know that I am the “queen of mis-spoken idioms and colloquial expressions”!

Perspectives. As unique as individuals themselves.

Denise Portis
©2006 Hearing Loss Diary

Washington Post Article

Increasingly, Wired for Sound
New Technology, Guidelines Extend Reach of the ‘Bionic Solution’ to HearingLoss: Cochlear Implants
By Ranit Mishori
Special to The Washington Post
Tuesday, January 10, 2006………………..

One afternoon in 1999, Denise Portis’s son Christopher fell and hurt himself badly. But Portis didn’t answer his cries. The reason: She couldn’t hear him. Since age 27, she’d been living with a profound and progressive hearing loss, its cause unknown. She thought she’d adapted. Then the incident with Christopher “shook my world,” the Frederick woman recalls. She already was using two hearing aids, but she knew she needed something else. A while later, she got it: a cochlear implant — a needle-sized electrode surgically placed under the skin at the base of the skull, behind the ear.

Last July, several congressmen and guests of the Congressional Hearing Health Caucus watched a video of the results. As a technician switches on the device, amazement lights up Portis’s face. Then Christopher, now 14, said, “Hi, Mom.”Portis, 39, bursts into tears.

“The last time I really heard him clearly,” she recalled later, “he was in kindergarten and he still had a little-boy voice.”

Growing numbers of Americans appear to be joining Portis in opting for the”bionic solution” to hearing loss. Med-El, one of three leading implant manufacturers, estimates market growth at 15 to 20 percent a year. According to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), approximately 13,000 adults and10,000 children had received implants as of 2002, the last year for which data are available. Several factors suggest growth could accelerate. In April the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services expanded implant eligibility criteria. Some researchers are recommending “doubling up” — getting an implant in each ear — for better results.

Meanwhile, the devices are becoming smaller and more reliable, while implant surgery is growing faster and easier: It is now usually done in a few hours as an outpatient procedure. A hybrid device being evaluated by the FDA — a digital hearing aid coupled with a cochlear implant and speech processor — is designed for people with hearing loss too severe for effective use of hearing aids but too good for standard cochlear implants. Some experts predict that could double the number of people who would benefit from implantation. Implants are becoming almost trendy: Rush Limbaugh has one; so does formerMiss America Heather Whitestone McCallum. Hip-hop singer Foxy Brown, who recently disclosed her hearing loss, is considering joining the ranks of the cochlear implanted, too.

Some of the growth is attributable to the aging of the baby boom generation, some to improved newborn screening for hearing deficits. Even infants under 12 months can now benefit from implants, according to a recent article in Pediatrics. New evidence, reported this month in the journal Proceedings ofthe National Academy of Sciences, suggests that the earlier a hearing-impaired child receives a cochlear implant, the better. And the market appears ripe. A 2003 editorial in the New England Journal ofMedicine set the number of potential U.S. implant candidates at 1 million. An estimate by the National Institute on Deafness and Other CommunicationDisorders (NIDCD) puts the figure at seven times as many.

Faking It

Unlike a hearing aid, a cochlear implant doesn’t just amplify sound. “It works totally differently,” said Richard Miyamoto, chairman of the Department of Otolaryngology –Head and Neck Surgery at the Indiana University School of Medicine and president-elect of the American Academy of Otolaryngology. In normal hearing, the outer ear collects sound (a car alarm, a child’s voice, a dog’s bark) and sends it into the middle ear. There, sound waves bounce off the eardrum, go through tiny bones and reach the inner ear, where fluid waves carry them to the cochlea — the snail-shaped organ that is the ear’s hearing center. Here, tiny “hair cells” convert sound waves’ vibrations into electrical impulses. The auditory nerve transmits those impulses to the brain, which interprets them and recognizes them as distinct sounds. Sensorineural hearing loss — the most common kind — occurs when hair cells are damaged or destroyed by infections, drugs and inflammatory conditions, among other causes. A cochlear implant, said Miyamoto, takes the place of a defective inner ear. By passing the damaged hair cells, the device detects sound waves and sends them as electric impulses to the brain.

By the time Denise Portis went for a cochlear implant evaluation at the Listening Center at Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore, she had little residual hearing left to amplify.

“I was born a hearing person, and [grew up] hearing all the wonderful things in the world around me,” she recalls, ” and I was no longer this person.” Over the years, she had learned to “fake it,” said her husband, Terry, who is executive director of the Bethesda-based Hearing Loss Association of America (formerly Self-Help for Hard of Hearing, or SHHH). She resorted to tricks like reading lips and interpreting speakers’ facial expressions. Terry would see “the nod, the smile, the ‘I-understand-what-you’re-saying’ expression ” used by many who lose their hearing, he said, “but they’re missing something.”

For Portis, too, faking worked only up to a point. Gradually, she dropped out of activities in her community, church and children’s school — feeling some of the isolation and depression that often accompanies hearing loss. She felt increasingly distanced from her family.

“Imagine only hearing parts of words and about 30 percent of a sentence,”she said. “I couldn’t go to a movie with my family and hear very much of it. I was unable to hear in church. I couldn’t go get ice cream with friends and talk about how exasperating teenagers were. I couldn’t listen to the radio or CD player. The doorbell, phone ringing and dryer buzzing were all sounds that I read about, but could no longer even place in my memory of how they sounded.”

As it happens, the decline in Portis’s hearing coincided with advances in hearing restoration. Since the first cochlear implant was approved by the FDA in 1984 and the first child’s version approved in 1990, the devices have evolved from analog to digital, from single electrode to multiple electrodes with improved speech-processing. New types also allow researchers to externally manipulate the “coding strategies” used to translate sound into the signals the implant sends to the cochlea.

Learning to Hear

Many with hearing loss assume they’re not implant candidates based on what they were told years ago. They don’t know that candidacy criteria have broadened, said Gail Whitelaw, president of the American Academy ofAudiology. Portis underwent a battery of tests to identify any reversible causes for hearing loss (such as certain infections, drugs and inflammatory conditions) or other conditions (for example, a damaged hearing nerve) that would rule out an implant. Absent such contraindications, said Terry Portis, a person is generally eligible for implantation if he/she can identify no more than 50 percent of key words in spoken sentences with a best-fit hearing aid in the poorer ear and 60 percent or fewer of the key words with such a hearing aid in the better ear.

In April, Portis was put under anesthesia for the nearly two-hour procedure. The total cost of the implant, including evaluation, surgery, the device and post-operative rehab, which is considered essential, was around $40,000. Her insurer, CareFirst BlueCross BlueShield, covered the surgery and follow-up care, but not the required pre-surgical psychological evaluation. Many health plans cover cochlear implants, although they often place limits on rehabilitation. The sound of her son’s voice wasn’t the only thing that changed for Portis. Implants change sounds in general — an important point for patients to understand. You will get hearing back, said Whitelaw, but probably not all of it, and not the way you remember it. Users will, in most cases, need to”learn” how to hear with the implant. No one can predict how well the device will work for any given person. “The question really is how hard the person will work to learn to use the device,” said Miyamoto. Rehab initially involves programming, or “mapping,” the device: Sound signals are sent to the implant user, who responds when he hears them. The audiologist adjusts the device to reflect the lowest level at which signals are detected. Audiologists and speech pathologists continue to work with the user long-term. Hearing generally improves with time and practice. In children, the process may be more involved, as many have to learn how to speak and produce intelligible sounds.

Portis speaks of getting her hearing back as being a kind of rebirth. “I have learned that our microwave beeps when you punch in a cooking time, and that my coffee maker gurgles and burps while making coffee. The sound of my dog’s pant is worth the doggie breath and if I leave my implant on while reading in bed, I’ve discovered my husband does still snore.”” I am hearing new things every day,” she said. “And, I wonder, when will Christmas be over for me?”

Ranit Mishori, a family practice resident at GeorgetownUniversity/Providence Hospital

For CIHear

December 28, 2005
My name is Denise Portis and I am a late-deafened adult. Prior to 1995, I had never heard of that phrase before, nor understood what “late-deafened” meant. Although I had little hearing in my left ear due to a car accident at 6 years old, because I had perfect hearing in my right ear I had little trouble coping.

Having grown up with typical hearing, I thought like many people do – one either has normal hearing, or is culturally Deaf and uses sign language. I thought hearing aids were for aging grandparents! I also thought that hearing aids “fixed” their hearing.

When my children were born in 1990 and 1991, I decided to stay at home for the first few years. Like many stay-at-home moms, the telephone became my lifeline in order to talk with friends, family, or my husband. I noticed that as time went on, and a life of diapers and bottles changed to training pants and pre-school, that I was having more and more difficulty hearing on the telephone. At first I thought people were mumbling more, or that they were trying to talk to me in a noisy environment. I remember thinking “it must be the phone”, and talked my husband into getting a newer and more expensive one. I was concerned when the new phone didn’t “fix” the problem, and that I had to really sit and concentrate in order to hear on it.

By 1995, my husband finally talked me into getting my hearing checked. That first audiogram both enlightened us and frightened us. I did indeed have a hearing loss and the audiologist explained how even a mild hearing loss can affect a person’s life. She explained the different types of sounds one would find had “gone missing” with a mild to moderate loss. After looking at my audiogram, it suddenly made so much sense that I was having trouble with the telephone and in noisy environments. The audiologist did not recommend a hearing aid at the time, but did ask me to see my doctor to rule out infection or fluid build up. Everything checked out fine with my doctor, so I promised my audiologist to follow up on a yearly basis.

Over the next couple of years, I saw a dramatic difference in each audiogram. By the year 1999, the concern on my audiologist’s face finally mirrored what I was just learning to come to grips with myself. My hearing loss was progressive, and each year the changes in my hearing were more dramatic. For the first time I learned that I have what is called a sensorineural hearing loss, and that like most people with this loss I would never know the cause. My audiologist recommended hearing aids, but I was horrified at the thought! I had never met anyone my age with hearing aids. I was so relieved that we had two pre-teens in orthodontia, and could not afford hearing aids. Before I left my audi’s office that day, she asked me to think about two things. She asked me to come back in 6 months instead of a year, and asked me if I would wear a hearing aid if she could fit me with a “refurbished” one that would be much less expensive.

Over the next few months my life dramatically changed. Dropping out of activities in my community, church and children’s school were minor in comparison to having more trouble talking to my own family at home. After only two months had gone by, I went to see my audiologist again. She showed me some hearing aids that I could wear that my hair would easily cover. She asked that I wear one for a week, and then come back to see her. On my way out of her office, I saw a flier at the check out desk advertising a support group meeting for hard-of-hearing people. I was amazed to see that the leader was someone that I knew from my church. When I got home I contacted Susan Wilson, who led a support group called Self-Help for Hard of Hearing People.

I learned so much from these meetings! It was so nice to simply learn that I was one of nearly 28 million Americans with hearing loss. I was not alone! However, all that I learned about hearing loss and coping skills did not put a halt on the progressive hearing loss that I was experiencing.

By the time we moved to the DC area in 2002, I had two hearing aids. As my hearing loss was now in the moderate to severe range, even with aids I missed a great deal of a conversation. I was forced to learn to speech read and to learn to put what I was hearing into context. Even then communication was not perfect! One day I walked out of a store and towards my car. A group of teenage boys were walking towards me and one of them said, “SWEEEET heart!” I walked on past thinking, “Wow teens are certainly forward now-a-days!” Looking back behind me, however, I saw that they were walking around a red Corvette. It hit me that they had said, “Sweet CAR!” Imagine only hearing parts of words and about 30% of a sentence! Communication can be very difficult under circumstances like that. Even at home it was impossible to really understand what my family were saying unless I stopped everything and concentrated on what was being said. I couldn’t wash vegetables in the sink while talking to my daughter. I couldn’t go shoot hoops with my son and talk to him at the same time. My husband had to be bedside lamps for the first time so that we could talk after going to bed.

By the time I saw my new audiologist in August of 2003, I had reached a very low point in my life. My hearing loss had begun to affect every area of my life. Even using the t-coil switch on my hearing aids, I could only talk to a few people on the telephone. I couldn’t go to a movie with my family and hear very much of it. I was unable to hear in church. I couldn’t go get ice cream with friends and talk about how exasperating teenagers were. I couldn’t listen to the radio, or CD player. The doorbell, phone ringing and dryer buzzing were all sounds that I read about – but could no longer even place in my memory of how they sounded. I couldn’t take a walk with my family and hear the things they were hearing. It always amazed me that they could hear distant sounds like airplanes, a creek through the trees or birds around us. Some of these sounds had been gone for so long to me, that they were only very vague memories and not at all tangible to me anymore.

When my son developed asthma, I was unable to monitor the way his breathing sounded, in order to relay this information to the doctor. How could I hear how his breathing sounded before and after treatment, when I could not hear him laugh out loud, or hear his voice as he talked? Hearing how he was breathing was an impossible task. My kids learned to communicate many things FOR me. My kids grew up with my hearing loss. They learned early on to touch my shoulder first to get my attention, and to make sure I was facing them before they began to speak. It was not always easy, but I began learning to be pro-active about my hearing loss.

By the summer of 2004, my audiologist was very concerned at the amount of hearing loss that had transpired over only 6 months. She sent me to an ENT in order to rule out an acoustic neuroma. Everything medically checked out fine again, and yet my hearing continued to worsen. For the first time I sat my family down and we discussed my eventually going deaf and what that would mean. My kids seemed unconcerned as they did not identify “mom” with hearing loss. My daughter said, “You are losing your hearing, you are not losing YOU”. This was little consolation, however, as I knew that the hearing world I was born into and grew up in was slipping away from me. For the first time I let my husband really talk to me about what he was learning about cochlear implants. He had met numerous CI recipients since coming to DC, and he felt sure this same miracle would work for me. At first I resisted, as I had conditioned myself to adjust and re-adjust each time I lost more of my hearing.

However, after meeting people with CI’s and asking questions about their own journey “out of silence”, I began investigating CI’s in earnest. By August of 2004, I had an appointment for a cochlear implant evaluation at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I was told that I qualified for an implant on either side. Things began to happen fairly quickly, and we became experts on the three available implants. After choosing one, my surgery date was scheduled for April 6th, 2005. During those months of waiting, the internet allowed me to contact scores of people with implants. Through email and cochlear implant listserves I educated myself and learned what to expect on my hook up day. So many told me, “Denise, keep your expectations low so you won’t be disappointed. It can take work to understand and hear again”.

I am including a link at the end that includes a small part of my activation video. If you wish to view it you will need Windows Media player in order to see it. On it you can see that one second before my audiologist spoke to me, I was already hearing. My face says it all! With the flip of a switch, I could hear. When I answered her questions, I was surprised to hear my own voice. Within 20 minutes of activation I was hearing my son’s voice that I had not heard since he was three years old. Later while walking around the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, my family had to keep walking back to grab my elbows in order to escort me through intersections. The things I could already hear around me had me stopping dead in my tracks, with my mouth ajar. On one occasion my husband lost track of me in the crowd. My son and I had found a duck. I was so astounded at the duck quacking, that I sat right down on the curb near it and simply stared.

I am now 6 months post-activation and I can change programs like a pro. I know what works best in different environments. I can change the batteries in the dark – I know this because my batteries went dead in the movie theatre when my family and I went to “The Fantastic Four”, a movie I was saw AND heard. I have learned that our microwave beeps when you punch in the cooking time, and that my coffee maker gurgles and burps when making coffee. The sound of my dog’s pant is worth the doggie breath, and if I leave my implant in while reading in bed – I’ve discovered my husband DOES still snore. Birds make different kinds of sounds, and each of my cats have their own Meow! On June the 28th I ordered Chinese take-out on the phone – by myself – and without captions. The people I go to church with actually LAUGH at my pastor’s jokes, and the car dings if I don’t have my seat belt fastened. The environmental and nature sounds I hear do not compare with the wonder of understanding voices so much better. I can talk to my daughter from the kitchen when she is setting the table for supper in the dining room. I can talk to my husband when he’s driving, even if I’m in the back seat. Conversation is something I look forward to now, instead of dreading. People who know me well have told me that my speech has changed, and that I seem more relaxed. My hearing is not perfect, but my implant is allowing me to hear things that I have not heard in over a decade. I’ve become an expert at making adjustments both physically and emotionally as my hearing deteriorated. The adjustments I have made in the last 6 months however, have been in what I am now hearing again.

I have met many people both face-to-face, and through the internet who have also experienced the miracle of the cochlear implant. I “listen” in awe to each and every story, and my heart thrills anew with each testimonial. CI Hear has been a key place for me even before my own surgery. I have found answers here, and a safe place to ask questions. As my questions are often corny ones, I needed a place to ask them! CI Hear has also given me a very important place to belong. Every time a new person posts looking for answers, or an “ol-timer” gives an update I feel like I’m hearing from family. My thanks to Alice Adams and the numerous others who have made CI Hear a place to learn and grow.

Sincerely,
Denise Portis
Hearing Loss Association of Frederick County
(formerly Frederick County SHHH)
Frederick, MD
Left CI implant: 4/6/05
Activation date: 5/13/05

http://www.lightkeepers.net/terry/ci.zip

SHHH Convention in Post Activation June 2005
Washington DC, July 2005