Category: cochlear implants

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

Published on by hearingelmo8 Comments
Major tail wag... guess who isn't normally allowed up here?
Major tail wag... guess who isn't normally allowed up here?
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What's a dog to do when YOU are down THERE?

Limited by YOUR Barriers

I’ve gone “round and round” about even sharing this with you, as I’ve already caught a lot of GRIEF from my beloved family. I decided to go ahead and post about it, however, because I did learn some things about myself and limitations.

About a week and a half ago, I got what SEEMED like a wonderful idea. I was sitting on my deck drinking my morning tea in the brisk air. Not a cloud in the sky, which meant I was going to have a “good balance day“. Chloe was dozing at my feet. The kids were still in bed. I had a great night’s sleep.

For the past several weeks I had noticed a dead vine hanging on the corner of my house. I also noticed that it was level with the deck in my backyard. Being the intelligent woman that I am (clears throat) I ALSO noticed that it was within arm’s reach of my deck if one was but to “lean a little”. When I first noticed it, my thought was that “I need to get Terry to remove that vine. It bugs me”.

Well sitting there on my deck and feeling particularly FINE, I decided that I would reach around the corner of the deck and grab the vine and jerk it off. Eyesore gone… and I didn’t even have to bother Terry!

Now our deck has a barricade at the staircase, because the stairs are dangerously steep. We plan to replace our deck in the next year, and my biggest “plan of action” is to make a more gradual staircase to the yard below. For now it is barricaded so dogs do not injure themselves going 100 mph down the stairs. (It also keeps ME from thinking I can descend it safely!)

I told Chloe, “Chloe STAY. I’m going to just step over here and grab this vine.”

As soon as I put my leg over the rail of the deck she SHOT out of her sit/stay and looked at me with “fear and trembling“. If she could have said, “What the HECK are ya doin’?” she would have!

I perched on the rail and pointed my finger at her and said, “Chloe! Sit! Down! STAY!” She lay there with her forehead all wrinkled up and eyes wide as I slipped my other leg over the rail. I remember thinking, “She is really a piece of WORK! I mean this is easy, it’ll take me 10 seconds!”

That’s the last thought I had.

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

If a person with hearing loss has a balance disorder as well, it just isn’t smart to do things… UP. High. On. Purpose.

Sigh.

I’m not sure how long I was out. When I came too, I could see Chloe barking from the deck above me. She was no longer in a down/stay. (Obviously, I didn’t fuss at her).

I lay there a minute to evaluate “where it hurt“. It only took a second to realize that it was my leg. A stick was poking out of my calf near my ankle and it certainly hurt!

Here’s a picture of:

STUPID:

STUPID
STUPID

LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES OF STUPID:

My ankle 10 days following STUPID
My ankle 10 days following STUPID

Chloe couldn’t get to me, and was barking like crazy. I couldn’t have been out very long, because I’m sure her barking would have eventually woke up one of my kids. She has a really loud hound bark, (not at ALL feminine!).

Barriers Put Up by ME

As I sat there pulling the stick out of my leg I began to talk to Chloe. As I talked, she stopped barking and just sat there looking down at me with a look of panic on her face.

The real dilemma? All the doors were locked! I was going to have to get to the staircase across the yard, get up the steps and over the semi-permanent barrier we had erected “for safety’s sake”. The door from the deck to the house was the only one unlocked. I could have knocked, but the metal security door under the deck to our laundry room is solid and doesn’t produce a very loud knock.

To make a very long … somewhat boring story – SHORTER (grin), I made it inside. It took me awhile, and I had to find my cochlear implant before even starting on the “trip”! Chloe whined her encouragement the entire way.

My kids were pretty surprised to come upstairs for breakfast to find me with my foot in the air with ice on it. Ok… actually I’m stretching the truth here. My kids know me. They weren’t at ALL surprised to come upstairs to find me with my foot in the air and ice on it.

They DID call dibs on who got to call “Dad” and tell him what happened.

Barriers Can be Good

I put up that barrier for a reason. It should have been a reminder to me just how high off the ground I was. The barrier was to serve as a preventative for descending to the yard below from the deck. By-passing the stairs all together was just a little bit STUPID. That barrier should have served as a reminder AND a preventative.

Sometimes we put up barriers in our lives to protect ourselves. Maybe you’ve learned the hard way to avoid critical people. You put up a block… a barrier to not allow people like that close to you. The barrier can keep people who aren’t “safe” for you emotionally, at a distance that is healthier for YOU.

But why do we sometimes slip a leg over the railing to by-pass the barrier? Why do we seem to embrace people who have a history of causing us emotional duress? Perhaps someone with an expression like Chloe’s, looks on in concern and asks carefully, “do you know what it is you are doing?” Ignoring the possibility that they may be right, you slip your leg over the rail anyway and think, “Gee! They are a piece of WORK!”

Friends? The only work is that long walk “home” after falling on your butt. It may take years even to get back to a healthy place. Almost “home“, and you step over a familiar looking barrier that you had up as a warning and preventative prior to being duped again.

Safe People

Surround yourself with “safe people“. These folks are individuals who bring out the best in you. They love you warts and all. They are an encouragement to you, and cheer lead you to reach for your dreams.

What’s tough is when some of those people who aren’t safe are related to you. There are times you have to interact, but you can learn to do so in a way that they don’t breach even the barriers you put up for them.

I am not encouraging an unforgiving heart either. If someone is truly repentant (meaning they have made a CHANGE) and want to be a friend to you again, you should be willing to trust they mean it. If their efforts fail, however, and they still are a “toxic person”, at least you have the experience and “supplies handy” to put that barrier right back up.

Sigh.

You know the BOOGER of it?

That. Vine. Is. Still. There.

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Passing with FLYING Colors

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Dolphin Show? Nooooo Problem!

We’ve been to the National Aquarium in Baltimore since my “match” with Chloe, but I choose to sit out during the Dolphin Show. We were “new enough” that I did not know what to expect. This past Saturday we met some new friends at the Aquarium. After soliciting the advice and opinions of fellow Fidos For Freedom folks (geesh… say that 5 times really fast!), I decided to take Chloe to the Dolphin Show. I went a little early so I could pick my own seat. I knew I didn’t want in the “Splash Zone”, but I also did not want to sit as close as where the hearing assistive section was situated. I hear “voices” well enough with my CI, so I decided we’d sit where it was best for CHLOE.

This decision meant in the back and up HIGH – grin! With my poor balance, it took some quickly whispered prayers, Chloe’s steady counter-balance, and a husband walking immediately behind my weaving, dizzy, umm…. BEHIND, for me to get where I felt “safe” for Chloe’s sake.

aquarium-005 Most of the time she stayed down on her blanket, and I was not even forced to reinforce the behavior with her treats. She was OK until she heard the dolphins making sounds. I couldn’t hear it, of course, but my husband said they chattered, chirped and made other interesting noises. Chloe would “pop up” to take a look, but would immediately go back down when I reminded her to do so.

At one point, the crowd burst into applause and exclaimed, “OH!” very loudly. Chloe popped up to take a look, and I found her staring in astonishment! A dolphin was doing the “high jump”, where it burst from the water to touch a ball extended high above the water. If Chloe’s jaw could have dropped open, I’m sure it would have. (I did have to ask her twice after that to go back to a “down”!)

Chloe did great at the Aquarium. aquarium-001 I suppose the biggest “chore” was just keeping her from being stepped on by the crowds, and insuring she was in a “safe place”. I had to put her in “place” a couple of times (opposite of “heel”, to the right). I can’t leave her there very long due to…

… As the World Turns

Meniere’s disease is different in every individual. Although symptoms may be similar, they are never identical. Some people develop Meniere’s along WITH unexplained hearing loss, some people have it without any evidence of hearing loss at all! Some people experience tinnitus (ringing, buzzing, whistling), nausea, dizziness, vertigo, blackouts, blurred vision, and much more.

In a simple, layman’s description:  my world spins counter-clockwise. With Chloe in “heel” (although a modified one as she is slightly forward of a formal “heel” due to my inability to see lower, left peripherally), she actually provides a “check” to my slowly, moving world. As my visual field and brain cause me to feel as if I’m spinning left, her “brace” in “heel” sort of SNAPS my visual field back to where it belongs. She is standing, or sitting STILL, which allows my focus to re-establish center as I am NOT “sitting still”. When she is in “place” however, her body isn’t in a position where it enters my counter-clockwise “spin”. Confusing? (grin) Try explaining the individuality of Meniere’s someday!

Let’s just say I’m glad she is in “heel” MOST of the time. I practice “place” and “circle right” as they are occasionally needed.

All So “Normal” for Us

We also went to the shops near the Aquarium, and then waited for about 45 minutes to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. I can hear voices in quiet environments at normal speaking levels. I cannot hear voices in places with a great deal of background noise, nor can I hear whispered things. I tend to miss all of the exclamations from the general public when they see Chloe do something for me.

When she rolls her own blanket up for me so that it is high enough to reach, or picks up her own leash to hand it to me, I do not give it a 2nd thought anymore. She picks up the end of my cane until it’s high enough for me to grab, picks up dropped items like menus or pamphlets, and just has a GRAND time doing it! Although my family are also accustomed to Chloe being by my side and “helping”, they hear those comments that I do not when we are in a new place.

What can be really fun is to see the look on everyone’s face when I remove Chloe’s vest outside for a short break. My dog morphs into “Miss Congeniality”.

Something is ALWAYS Learned

Even when everything does NOT go as smoothly as Saturday did, I still learn important lessons. The least significant lesson may be a reminder of what should be worked on with more diligence. “Reality checks” are great teachers.

Having a working dog does not mean that I do not have to WORK at adapting. My cochlear implant allows me to hear, and yet I am still deaf. I use a bright purple cane, but I still fall sometimes. Chloe acts as my ears, but I will still misunderstand even a noise I am alerted to at times! How we react when everything does NOT go “great” is a good measure of how we are “really” coping with an acquired disability.

Tomorrow I may have a different opinion, but right now I think I’m “passing with FLYING colors!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

“Worry” is the Darkroom in Which “Negatives” can Develop

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Chloe in her new “Gentle Leader” harness hlaa-feb-0362

chloe-gl-002 Oops… the strap is a little crooked!

Hounds a-Worryin’ Over It!

Premier Pets did a DEMO for Fidos For Freedom on Saturday. I registered in advance, and for my efforts received a “Gentle Leader” harness just for attending. Chloe and I use a “plastic prong” collar for training and “work”, although it is rarely needed now that we’ve been working together for so long. I still utilize it because to Chloe it means “I’m working” as much as her vest does. If someone who is illiterate notices her and tries to coax her close for some petting, I need only gently pull and release and she immediately remembers to stay in a nice sit/stay. Numerous teams at Fidos For Freedom use the “Gentle Leader” however, so since I was going to get one free I wasn’t going to argue!

Chloe is NOT thrilled with it. Honestly, when I first put it on her, her EYES ACTUALLY CROSSED looking down at the strap on her nose! I laughed hysterically, which hurt my poor hound dog’s feelings. After apologizing, I adjusted straps and made sure the fit was right… begged for some 2nd opinions, and then walked her around the training center for about 20 minutes. I’m sure if I NEEDED the control of the “Gentle Leader”, she would become accustomed to it fairly quickly.

For that first 20 minutes, she “worried” over it almost obsessively. She followed commands, but even when in “heel” tried to rub it off against my leg! When we stopped, she’d use her paw and try to slip it over the edge of her nose! (A proper fit insures this cannot be done!) Bottom line, the harness looked lovely on her, but her attitude was peeved. She “worried” over it until our stops in a “sit/stay” had her pouting and turning her head away from me. After about fifteen minutes, her tail was even drooping. “Worry” had quickly cultivated real “negative weeds” in the heart and mind of my friendly working dog! In the end, she was just TICKED OFF. Right before we left I slipped it off of her so I could get her to “hurry up” (potty) before loading her in the van for the long trip home. As soon as the harness was removed she began kissing me in “thanks” and even whining her heartfelt gratitude!

I’ve made sure she’s had it on a little bit at home, but again as I don’t see a NEED for it right now… “don’t try to fix what ain’t broke“. Who knows? I may have a need for it one day.

People a-Worrin’ Over it!

I’m many times like my hound dog. I can “worry” over things that are new, and not completely to my liking. It may be something new that can’t be helped. So exactly what good is accomplished over worryin’ over it?

The past week we’ve been blessed with some beautiful dustings of snow in the mornings. I just love snow. I love the way it feels in my hands and under my boots. I love the way it looks as it falls in big white flakes, or swirling in the wind of a near blizzard. I love shoveling snow. (Aren’t I insane?) I like the sound the snow shovel makes when it hits, lifts and displaces the snow. I love looking behind me at the “path” I’ve created and feel a sense of accomplishment equaling the birth of a child. (OK, yeah… that’s a stretch!)  Snow doesn’t affect my vertigo and balance the way rain does. At least until this past week…

I have had some “near misses” in falls, and have had some real trouble in my balance during this week. I’ve been a little peeved about it. Peeved to the point that I’ve been a little bit snippy. When I realized I was reacting in a fairly negative way to almost everything, I tried to reflect on what the problem might be. After a little “self-discovery” of the underlying cause, I vowed to change my attitude then and there! I mean? Why worry over something that cannot be changed?

A New Normal

For me, this is just part of my “new normal”. It is normal for me to have bad “balance days”. It is normal for me not to hear well in crowded places. However, I can adapt and make necessary changes in order to live my life with passion, respect, and value. If I do all I can to be healthy, then on days I find I’m staggering around, I must accept as part of my “new normal”.

If I get angry, depressed and negative about it, I end up with family members trying to decide “what is UP with HER?” Hubby asks, “Are you PMS’ing?” (The only reason they even call it PMS is because Mad Cow Disease was taken.) How smart is it to say something like that? It did snap me back for a second however, to see what THEY were seeing. It was the impetus I needed to do some soul-searching.

I can worry 24/7 and nothing positive will come of it. On the contrary, negative thinking tends to choke out every rational thought I have. And frankly? I need to stay focused and rational about my problems! Evaluating, weighing, and finding solutions to problems is a whole lot different than worryin’ over them.

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Little Boy’s Voice – LOST

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Chris Portis – 18 years old (Junior year for CCA yearbook)

This morning I emailed Chris’s yearbook picture to the mother who is in charge of the CCA yearbook.  I think it is due the 20th.  For ME, I’m cutting it kind of close being that I am normally the first one to submit things due to those in leadership for our homeschool co-op!

Perhaps I was just tired (it WAS early, and I had a lot to do today so didn’t sleep well for “worryin’ over it”), but I was a little tearful lookin’ at the “mug” of the baby of our family. I felt as though my little boy’s voice was LOST.

Chris had speech problems, and started school late as a 6-year-old.  This is ironic as his is the best voice I “hear” in my family now. He enunciates really well (at least for ME), and he has great volume and projects well. (Likely in part due to a couple of years of Debate)

I was emotional about it, for I don’t have a “little boy voice” memory of Chris. We have some videos of the kids when they were little. Now that I “hear again”, I can make out what Chris use to sound like.  But his voice is “lost” for me… I have no memory of it even after listening to tapes. Many times when I “hear” someone that I’ve known for a long time, I have a twinge in my memory. It’s like a growing pain – as my brain stretches and searches – to see if there is a memory of that person’s voice.  I don’t burn any calories hearing the voice of someone “new”.  I don’t have a memory of their voice.

When I was activated on May 13, 2005, it was the FIRST time I had ever heard Chris.  My husband and daughter chuckle at some of their memories of Chris’s voice changing. That adolescent “crack” of a maturing young man’s voice left no imprint on me – for I did not hear it.  I am unable to reminisce with them.

Adapting

I learned to really WATCH my kids when they were growing up. We’ve all been told that mom’s seems to have an extra pair of eyes in the back of their heads.  I made sure I made use of mine.  Desperate to understand and connect with my children, I made sure I WATCHED. I looked carefully at body language and facial expression.  I wanted to know how they were feeling, and wanted to understand what they were trying to convey.

I had to know that when both rushed inside talking at the same time, that I had to see AROUND the story of the squished worm. I had to see on Chris’s face how gleeful he was to have squished the worm, and how it felt.  I wanted to identify with his pleasure of this, and deciphered the look on his face to know he was eager for that “Mama high 5“!

My daughter, however, had tears in her eyes and her lip was all a-quiver.  She recited the same story.  Yet, her chest heaved with indignation, and her finger shook as she pointed it at the human I had just given a “high 5” too.  It seems the worm was squished all right, but done so on her arm!  So I had to smother a laugh, and commiserate with the little darling all the while wiping “squished worm” from her skinny little arm.

Still Adapting

I am truly blessed to be “hearing again”. However, hearing with a cochlear implant is not “perfect hearing”. I have learned to make some changes now that I am hearing through the miracle of a cochlear implant.

I hear voices great. Other sounds?  Not so great… I also don’t hear well in busy, noisy environments.  These are just two of the reasons I ended up training for a hearing assistance dog.

I have learned to watch Chloe. I pay attention to where her focus is, and try to always be aware of what she is hearing. She has these great “hound dog” ears that perk up, and her eyebrows are especially expressive as she concentrates, and alerts to the sounds around her.

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(See how tired she is after a shopping trip?)

I have changed the way I shop. Chloe does great if I run my errands in the morning, and she is more alert and “ready to work” when I remember to take care of things early in the day.  If I end up having to go do something later in the day, she still does her job… but there’s a bit of a “drag” to her step. No dog can look tired like a hound dog can! I realized it was more fair to her to do “work” early in the day. We still do things at night like movies, eating out… but she is normally able to curl up on her blanket until needed during those times.

hlaa-feb-034 Here Chloe is resting at a late morning meeting while I am giving a workshop on “HoH Valentines”.  She has learned to rest when she can, and work when it’s “time to do so”.

This morning she and I went grocery shopping. I never use to attempt going to the grocery store alone.  Talk about feeling housebound!

Today while shopping, I unsuccessfully pulled to the side to get out of the way of someone in a hurry. In order to keep Chloe from getting trampled on, I dropped my shopping list and 4 coupons.  Chloe does an “automatic retrieve” of things dropped. Within 45 seconds I had my shopping list back in hand with 4 slightly damp coupons. (Bending to the floor to pick up something flat, can cause me to GO FLAT due to Meniere’s)

We were almost finished shopping, and I noticed that Chloe’s ears were up and could even tell from watching her muzzle a low growl was erupting from her chest. I quickly shushed her but looked at where she was so intently staring. A man sat on the floor near the magazines – all sprawled out – and apparently making himself at home.  Chloe knew this was unusual, and wanted to make sure I knew he was there.  After we rounded the corner, I reached down to pat her head and said, “Good girl, Chloe”. She wagged her tail and knew I had acknowledged what she had seen and HEARD.

Adapting – My List

I believe every WISE person learns to adapt.  If you look back on your life and see some real growth, chances are you learned to adapt at some point.  Adapting is not “caving in” to other’s ideas, peer pressure, or external stimuli.  In actuality, for one to adapt one must consciously choose to make necessary changes in order to succeed.  We don’t ever adapt in order to “fail on purpose”.

I made a list of adaptations I have made in order to “succeed”. By no means an exhaustive list, this hopefully will help you come up with a list of your own.  It’s very helpful to “track changes” and record progress.

♥ Shop/run errands early so Chloe performs “best”

♥ Taught Chloe to walk in a modified heel… slightly forward as I have poor peripheral vision to the lower left

♥ Go to Costco on Monday or Tuesday mornings to avoid crowds

♥ Move my chair in church to allow Chloe room right in front of me so she doesn’t encroach on other folk’s space

♥ Follow-up with every face-to-face meeting with an email to make sure I understood

♥ Use Facebook to know how to better pray for others as I don’t talk to many people in person and NEVER by phone

♥ Watch the show “24” with enthusiasm as I’ll have to watch it anyway to be with my hubby on Monday night’s…

Give you any ideas?  Now go make your own list! (smile)

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

“Memories… Light the Corners of my Mind…”

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Look into these soulful brown eyes, and one can believe she remembers those she loves very easily!

“Memorieeesssss… light the corners of my mmmmind…”

Your age will likely influence whether or not you started singing along, and finished the line, “Misty, water-colored Mmmmemorieeeessss… of the way we were….”

Dogs remember

I’m always amazed at what a dog can remember.  Not so much “tricks” and obedience commands, for in truth, they remember those types of skills as the result of an owner/trainer who consistently practices and hones those skills.  I “smack my face” in shock at times, as to what a dog can remember that is NOT the result of  training. (Yeah, yeah, I know!  You’d like to smack my face for me? Grin).

Chloe constantly amazes me at being able to remember a “dog” she hasn’t seen in a really long time, and going all a-wiggle at just a glimpse of her “buddy” across the parking lot.  She was “rushed” and received a bite from a white poodle once.  She still quivers in fear at the sight of one, and it she isn’t even seeing the SAME one. Chloe has a great memory!

Wednesday, I had to rush to the grocery store to pick up a few items to last my family through the week.  I carried one of those baskets, instead of choosing a cart. I’m convinced that I need to remember to ALWAYS reach for a cart now, no matter how few items I may need.  The cart actually helps me balance some, and it also allows me to block Chloe from “oh I gotta pet you/cuz I can’t read” hands.  (Honestly, you’d think her vest said “PET ME PLEASE!”)

I dropped a coupon and was in the middle of asking Chloe to retrieve it for me, when she heard something and dropped the coupon mid-“retrieve”.  Actually it was kind of comical, because when she dropped the coupon her mouth still hung ajar!  I’ve never seen my “hound dog” surprised by what she’d heard before! I could tell right away she was hearing something, as she became very still, and her head cocked to the side.  Her ears perked up and she looked in the direction of the next aisle.

I was able to get her to focus and retrieve the coupon (with a little EFFORT), and we continued down the aisle.  She was literally “a-tremble” with excitement, and kept looking at the aisle next to us with her ears all perked up. I was kicking myself for not having a cart, but bravely rounded the corner and headed into the next aisle. I saw some ladies rounding the corner of the aisle next to us. Fortunately, they were going in the opposite direction so we were now going to have an aisle between us.  UNFORTUNATELY, Chloe didn’t like that.  She barked a high-pitch yelp/bark.  I shushed her immediately, and scolded her quietly as wouldn’t you know the end of the aisle was also nearest the cash registers and front-end employees?

I put her in “heel” and headed down the next aisle.  She continued to “hop/walk”, listening intently, and still all “a-tremble“.  I tried to listen to make sure that as we rounded the end of the aisle, those ladies were not doing so as well.  Being that I’m not a lucky person by chance, I of course came to the end of the aisle at the same time they did!  Thankfully, this time I was BETWEEN the ladies and Chloe, but she ducked her head and looked between my knees at the ladies.

One of them noticed her peeking between my kneecaps, and said, “Oh look at the beautiful dog! Look how wonderful she is!” Something about the voice made me start “thinking quickly”, but I couldn’t put it together quite yet “why”.

One of the ladies she was with said, “Oh my! She’s beautiful!  What does she do?”  She stepped closer to read her vest.  The closer she got to me, the clearer her voice became.  Chloe was attempting to sit in a nice heel position, but was just trembling from head to toe.  The lady said, “Oh she’s crying!”

Darn.  I can’t hear Chloe whimper sometimes, so I looked down and said, “Chloe… shussh!  Quiet!”  I turned to the lady standing there and said, “I’m sorry she’s not normally this way. She seems very excited to see you.”

The ladies moved closer and continued to talk to me (as they realized talking to Chloe was making her no longer SIT).  Right as one lady was explaining how thrilled she was that dogs could help a deaf person – it hit me.  I was so startled by my epiphany, I dropped my basket… on my foot! (At least it wasn’t Chloe’s!) Thankfully, I only had some boxed items in it so it wasn’t very heavy. The ladies were turning away to go, and I in a bold and desperate move, reached out and motioned to them to stop.

“Excuse me.  I love your accent, and I think my dog actually recognizes it from a trainer she had when she was young.  Can I ask where you are from?”

Although she had lived here for over a year, she and one of the ladies with her were from Vaspy, Sweden. (I’m sure I’ve spelled that wrong, but I’m spelling it like it sounded and HEY!  She had a Swedish accent so I was having trouble!).

They walked away from us to finish shopping and I stood rooted to the spot.  I think perhaps my mouth was hung ajar like Chloe’s had been after the coupon retrieve.  One of Chloe’s earlier trainers had a Scandinavian accent, although I do not know where she originally “hailed” from.  Chloe had HEARD these ladies voices, recognized the ACCENT, and thought Jolanthe was in the next aisle!

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been QUITE that surprised by the turn of events.  After all, Chloe can hear Pat’s voice (her most recent trainer) from the next room and become really excited. Heaven help us if we ever happen upon Pat in a store now…

My Ears Want to Remember

My cochlear implant is a wonderful miracle really!  I never thought I’d be hearing voices as well as I do “this side of Heaven”.  But hearing through the miracle of bionics is not hearing PERFECTLY.

Sometimes I hear things and know “something isn’t right”, but am unable to put my finger on the “what”. Take a cat’s purr for example.  If I hold one of our cats right up next to my implant I can “hear” the cat purr.  They aren’t very thrilled to be dangling from my hands and smushed up against my implant, but they will continue to purr – believe it or not!  I think part of it is that I can feel the vibration of the cat’s purr, and this aids in “conjuring up memories” of a cat’s motor.  But when I hear one of our cat’s purr, it’s a little “off”… something isn’t quite “right”.  I have a memory of a cat’s purr, but what I’m hearing is just a little bit “mechanical” compared to what I remember.  My daughter tells me all our cat’s purr differently. I suppose I’ve had a hearing loss long enough to not really quite understand how a cat’s purr can sound different.  Even more remarkable to me, is knowing my daughter claims she can tell the difference!  I just can’t quite put my brain around the fact that someone can hear THAT well!

I’m coming up on my four-year anniversary of “hearing again”.  I still hear things “for the first time” since activation. For example, this past Christmas I was shopping with my husband at Home Depot.  Around the base of one of the Christmas trees, a little miniature train chug-chugged along.  I stood there in front of God and shoppers and wept.  I could remember the sound of my older brother’s electric train set and “hearing it again”, was emotional!

I’ve spent the past summers “remembering” the sound of lawn mowers, and leaf blowers.  I’ve experienced autumns remembering how a rake sounds pulling leaves into a pile.  If it’s quiet, and the noise isn’t distorted by other background noises, I hear… and REMEMBER.

Something that makes me sad – if I let it – is not having a memory of how my kids sounded when they were little.  We’ve a few old VHS tapes, but hearing the tapes triggers no memories for me as I HAVE NONE.  I can usually cheer myself up pretty quickly, in simply recognizing the fact that I have amazing conversations with my young adult children NOW. (Reading their lips, “More juice please” was likely more endearing than “Can I have the car keys” though…)

May all of us take the time to REMEMBER.  Don’t waste energy remembering negative things (unless they taught you something).  Remember good times, good friends, and heck yeah!  GREAT DOGS!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Camera Shy

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The dogs were having such a great time in the snow this morning, I decided to “dash” inside to get the camera. (At least I did a “dash” for one such as I!) By the time I returned, they were still “throwing snow” at each other so I quickly turned the camera on and began taping.

Yeah. You guessed it, I’m sure. My kids tell me the camera makes a beep when it starts taping. Perhaps that was their “cue” to stop acting so darn cute! Regardless of the “how”, they did put an immediate stop to their antics.

Documented Proof

The dogs were having a great time skidding around in the snow – true. But I’ve also been trying to surreptitiously document how incredibly nutty our puppy is in the snow! He’s an “arctic dog”, and honestly I have to force the little booger inside when the temperature drops below freezing. As it is, when he is tired, he tries to find the biggest patch of snow on which to nap!

I thought I had a perfect “Kodak moment” (or maybe candid camera?) when I sneaked the camera outside. Turn the silly thing “on”, and the dogs slid to a halt. Sigh. We adopted Tyco from my trainer who also does Norwegian Elkhound rescue. I’ve also wanted to tape and document how happy Tyco is with our family, and how perfect a “match” he is for our family. Now Pat will have to take my word for it! Grin.

Invisible Disabilities

This need for “proof”… finding a viable way to show something was true above and beyond the value of my “word”, reminded me of my deafness is some ways.

I get some “flack” for wearing my hair up which allows both my hearing aid and cochlear implant to be visible. I’ve had some culturally Deaf folks give me “heck” for not only choosing a CI, but for wearing “bling” on the device as if I were proud of it – as I am! I’ve had late-deafened people question my sanity for choosing to make something visible that doesn’t need to be. Some try to “blend in” and “look like everyone else”, desperately hoping their hearing loss does not interfere with relationships, a job promotion, or other’s perceptions of their abilities.

I suppose in the beginning I was the same way. I didn’t deliberately TRY to hide my hearing aid, but my hair is long and it did the trick without my trying! However, there came a day when my hearing loss changed from “moderate” to “severe” to “profound”. Speech reading is not an exact science, and my hearing aids were no longer giving me any benefit. I was “missing things”. If people were not aware that I had a hearing loss, they did not know to get my attention prior to communicating with me. I said things at inappropriate times (and still do), or missed what the topic was that was being discussed. I decided to try to make my hearing loss more visible. I did this to help both OTHERS, and myself! I wore my hair up, and wore a magnetic badge that said, “Please Face Me. I read lips!”

After I received my cochlear implant, I decided then and there that I was going to continue to make my invisible disability – visible. I wanted “proof” that I had a hearing loss. I was tired of being misunderstood, or labeled as slow, stuck-up, or mean. My CI allows me to hear voices really well (although I still benefit from a person getting my attention first), but I still miss a lot of things to in crowds and big cavernous locations like malls, restaurants, arenas, gyms, etc. I wanted to SHOW my ears and technology, as a reminder that in many circumstances I am still deaf!

For those who don’t know me, my visible technology lets them know I hear differently. A little patience and good communication skills will insure we communicate just fine. Chloe actually “shouts” the fact that there is something different about me anyway! Everyone notices her FIRST. They “mosey over” to read her vest and THEN look up and check out my ears!

For those who DO know me well, I’ve found my “visibility” reminds them I am still deaf “in spite of” my cochlear implant. We had a fire inspector come and test the alarms at our school a couple of weeks ago. My director planted herself right next to me, as I think she was afraid of what Chloe may do. She didn’t want me “falling down” on her “watch” – smile. When the alarm went off Chloe cocked her head and listened. My director explained that there was a voice as well as the alarm. (Evidently, it explains the emergency and instructs people where to go?) I was talking to Chloe to keep her calm (as she was visibly shaking), and I kept an eye on the blinking lights of the strobe section of the alarms set in the hallway.

Later at lunch, my son found me and asked out of concern, “Gee mom! How did Chloe do during the fire alarm?”

I proudly explained how she remained calm and sat in heel during the entire thing. I told him how the director of our school came to stand next to me to “help if needed”.

Chris contemplated that a moment and then said, “It’s a good thing you wear your hair up so those of us who know you remember you still are deaf! You act so normal now!”

(So pre-implant how does that mean I behaved? Gulp!)

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Look Out Behind You…

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Look Out Behind You… and Call Your Dog!

We practice many things at the training center at Fidos For Freedom.  At first glance, the exercise may seem time consuming and even confusing. (My kids ask me from time to time exactly HOW are they going to use Geometry in real life?  Why do they have to do the practice exercises if they will never use it?)

I have to admit that occasionally I think to myself, that Chloe and I will never use a certain command in public.  I wonder from time to time, why we seem to practice some of the commands that we do at the center. I always participate, however, as I have learned to trust the trainers and their judgment in such matters.  One exercise we do several times a month is a response to the command, “Look out behind you and call your dog!” Clients are to take a quick look behind them to make sure nothing is in their way. You then take two or three quick steps backwards, and give the formal command “Fido, Come!” to your dog.  The dogs have been trained to quickly position themselves in a “sit” in front of you, with their nose facing your stomach.  I have very poor peripheral, so a “quick look behind me” has never been an easy task! For me to take two or three “quick” steps backwards, can mean a spill on a day my balance is really “off”.

I have to admit that internally I grumbled from time to time when asked to perform this command on the training floor.  Never again…

When Least Expected, It May Come in Handy!

This past Friday, I left the house early to go to Wal-mart.  I have a love/hate relationship with Wal-mart. On the one hand… I save quite a bit of money at this store. They tend to have a big selection, carry name brands, and have great sales. On the other hand… the lines are awful, it’s hard to find a place to park, and the stores I go to are often messy. (Not easy to navigate “messy” when pushing a cart with a working dog alongside!)

I have found, however, that if one goes early in the day on a weekday, it isn’t too much of a trial. So Friday morning – bright and early, Chloe and I plus my son Chris, headed to Wal-mart.

Chris went to look for a game that was suppose to be “out”, so Chloe and I headed into the pharmacy section alone. I noticed almost right away that she’d startle, and then cock her head to listen carefully about every three or four feet. I was busy looking for my shampoo, but automatically watched her a little more carefully for any further clues as to what she was hearing. As we neared the end of the aisle, her ears were perked up and she looked nervous. Every few seconds, I caught the sound of “something”, but honestly could not tell for sure what it might be! As we rounded the corner, a harried-looking mother with a couple of youngsters in tow came around the next aisle. The kids were screaming and crying, and one toddler was in a sprint away from mom. The toddler hit the end of my cart head-on with both hands and SHOVED. Two or three seconds before impact, I shot a quick glance over my shoulder and took three frantic steps backwards, and commanded urgently, “Chloe… COME”! Chloe obeyed immediately, even though her attention was on the family.  The cart ricocheted off an end-cap of baby oil products. I plucked my purse out of the cart, and put Chloe in “heel” beside me… protected from the main aisle. The mother apologized profusely, and corralled her kids to continue shopping. As soon as she was out of sight, I squatted down to face Chloe and exclaimed:

“Chloe! We Looked Out Behind Us!  We did it!”  Chloe cocked her head to the side like she does when she’s trying to figure out what I’m saying.  (Hmm… was there a command in there that I recognize?) I was positively gleeful… and Chloe?  Well she was not exactly sure why I was so VERY excited about a simple “come” command! Her tail gave a half-hearted flop and she wiggled closer… which of course caused me to plop into the floor from my crouched position. I was totally fine with that! I threw my arms around her and explained to her out loud (and likely LOUDLY given the fact that I have a hearing loss…), “Chloe, I never thought we’d use ‘Look Out Behind You‘, and I did it!  We used it perfectly! I wasn’t hurt… you weren’t hurt!  Hey, it worked perfectly!”  In hindsight, I was very likely a little too excited about something rather trivial. Actually by this time I had drawn a small crowd of observers.

A lady reached her hand out and asked, “Can I help you up?”

“Nope”, I responded cheerfully, “that’s what she’s for!”  Chloe helped me up with a modified ‘brace’, and I reached over for my cart.

A grandfatherly-looking man stood there watching, and remarked dryly, “she’s better behaved than most kids in here!”

Still on a euphoric “high”, I gushed, “YES!  And we did ‘look out behind you‘ perfectly!”

His bemused smile turned to concern and he looked behind him with confusion. I plopped my purse back into the cart and wheeled away with my head in the clouds.

Practice, in Order to be Prepared

Later as I put away groceries and toiletries, I still had a smile a mile wide on my face. I used “Look Out Behind You“! I couldn’t help but chuckle about it even hours later!

You know? It pays to practice things! Think of how practicing even responses to uneducated questions can be helpful! As a person with hearing loss, I have heard some fairly ridiculous questions before. I have also been wounded by rude and simple-minded questions. Yet my response has not always been in such a way that I was able to advocate in a positive way. Sometimes my response, further cemented irrational assumptions by people with normal hearing and balance.  Take for example the following:

Why do you talk that way? Do you have a speech impairment?

Wrong answer: “No, stupid!  I don’t have a speech impairment, you have a BRAIN impairment!”

Right answer: “Actually I have a profound hearing loss. I can’t hear myself anymore and I know I pronounce things funny sometimes.” (I’m so thankful for my cochlear implant! My speech has dramatically improved, even when I’m really tired!)

Why do you wear your hair up where everyone can see your cochlear implant and hearing aid?  Why do you want them to see your disability?

Wrong answer: “It’s none of your business stupid!  I can wear my hair the way I want!”

Right answer: Actually I do that so people are aware that I don’t hear well. I don’t want someone to be upset if I don’t answer when called, or answer inappropriately to a question I didn’t hear well.  It clues them in right away that if they take some extra time to communicate well, I will likely do just fine!

Why do you still ask for ‘repeats’ and not hear things? I thought the cochlear implant was going to FIX you!

Wrong answer: “I’m not Jamie Sommers, stupid!” (Do you see a recurring pattern of STUPID in the wrong answers? Grin!)

Right answer: “Actually my bionics allow me to hear things I never thought I’d hear again! But it isn’t perfect hearing, and I will always be a person with hearing loss. Compared to where I was before the implant, I am doing amazingly well!”

If you are deaf, how can you use a telephone?

Wrong answer: Why shouldn’t I be able to use the phone?  I can eat, drink, and go to the bathroom by myself too!”

Right answer: We live in an amazing era of technology.  My cochlear implant can utilize a t-coil switch, which allows me to use the phone with only a little work, thanks to telephones that are t-coil compatible. I can’t use EVERY phone, but I can use MINE.

Why do you have an assistance dog? You aren’t blind, and it draws attention to you!

Wrong answer: Actually she’s an attack dog… Chloe… BITE HIM!

Right answer: Having both Meniere’s disease, and hearing loss, Chloe simply makes my life easier. She takes a lot of stress out of the fact I don’t hear well. I hear voices pretty well with my CI, but Chloe makes sure I hear all those other noises. I am much safer now, and can do things independently. If I drop things, it takes Chloe seconds to retrieve something for me that would have taken me several minutes to get myself because of my balance issues. I don’t have to ask others to help, because SHE is my “helper”.

If you have an acquired disability, I’m sure you too have heard your share of “stupid questions”. Perhaps your disability is not widely understood, or is “invisible”. We can’t walk around with a neon sign that says, “disabled person” over our heads. And who would want to? Frankly, I highlight what I CAN do, not what I cannot.  Perhaps practicing responses to some of the questions you have heard, will insure that when the time comes for you to reply again, it will be in a positive and educational way. After all, a curt and petty response only hurts the next person with a disability. A measured, well-thought and rehearsed answer is much more likely to produce understanding and acceptance in even the most STUPID irrational person!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal




What Came First?

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The Chicken or the Egg?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?  That phrase brings a smile to my face every time I come across it.  It has been the cause of many a debate from both my childhood and my present.  I suppose I’ve always been surrounded by people who love to argue a point.  Everyone knows the chicken came first.  If you disagree with that… well, you’ll need to write your own post!

In life there are many cause and effect changes.  These are either passionately discussed because of more serious consequences that can occur, or worse – not discussed at all due to what many may view as a “taboo” subject.

I’ve always been a “worrier”.  I can remember hearing from my mother at a very young age, “Denise… don’t make mountains out of mole hills”. I was also told that if I didn’t have something to worry about, I’d work hard until I had found something to worry over.  As an adult, I prefer to look at my “worryin’ over things” as my way of preparing, planning, and anticipating outcomes.  Believe it or not, “worrying” calms me down.

But I am not misguided in believing that worry is the same thing as anxiety.  I don’t remember being an anxious kid.  “Worrier” – yes, anxious – no.  I do know that I have had anxious periods in my life.  I have a new “friend” who is a phenomenal writer.  I’ve been pushing Lisa to investigate writing a book and hope I have finally twisted her arm in doing so.  Having benefited from her wisdom and straight-forward speculations, I’ll be one of the first in line to buy several copies.   She has been blogging about “anxiety” quite a bit lately. (If you have had problems with anxiety, I encourage you to begin reading her posts beginning here).

I have met many people with different types of disabilities.  I have also met many “anxious” people.  Often, those people are “one and the same”.  What came first?  The disability or the anxiety?

We Can Make Ourselves Sick

One doesn’t have to “google” stress and anxiety very long before they begin to find out these feelings can affect our physical health.  Our body’s immune systems can even be weakened when exposed to stress for prolonged periods of time.  Although “thinking happy thoughts” does not necessarily cure every ailment, being stressed, worried, anxious and pessimistic can certainly hinder our getting well.

Many physicians who specialize in critical care fields have long been taught how important it is to treat the patient’s mental and emotional state as well as their bodies.  Even a patient’s spiritual beliefs can aid in recovery.  Discovering (or re-discovering) hope and belief in God, can greatly benefit a patient who has experienced an injury or life-changing illness.  My husband wrote his dissertation along these lines.  His book is NOT easy reading – smile. Effects of Religiosity on Life Satisfaction Among Survivors of Brain Injury, was written after having seen the direct results of faith on patients with a TBI over a number of years. Terry researched whether or not people with brain injury have higher life satisfaction if they are involved in religious practices. People with brain injury traditionally have one of the lowest life satisfaction scores of any population. They have similar scores to people in prison!  In contrast, if someone with a TBI has no faith – no belief system, they tend to have very low expectations and life satisfaction.

Disability or Anxiety?

So… which came first?  Anxiety can certainly be triggered by “life events”, but it can also be a chemical imbalance in an individual.  Anxiety disorders are serious.  Feeling anxiety – an “anxiousness” – from time to time is not uncommon and even expected in this thing we live called LIFE.  Can a disability, especially an acquired disability, cause us to feel anxious?  Can that anxiety, ignored and untreated, lead to a disorder? Yes… and yes.  However, one can have a disability and learn to “cope”.  Learning to cope, and developing new interests, skills and networks, makes a disability more of a discovery!  One learns how to acquire new ABILITIES.

Being disabled does not mean one is not “able”.  Certainly being deaf and having Meniere’s disease, places me in a disability group, or category.  I don’t consider myself disabled as long as I work hard at being “able”.  A cochlear implant, support group, a service dog and advocating in a positive way, have allowed me to create a way to cope… to live in a normal way.  I’m living a “new normal”. These activities keep me from feeling anxious.

Does that mean I never worry?  Heck no!  But worrying is not anxiety.  If I begin to see a set pattern of anxiousness, I treat that very seriously.  Why am I anxious?  Has something triggered it?  Am I eating right, sleeping well, and taking care of myself?  However, WORRY is different than anxiety.  I have plenty of daily worries that actually allow me to process things and plan my day.

Am I worried when I stand at the top of a stairwell with Chloe in heel, people milling all around me, and the room spinning counter-clockwise as I desperately try to adjust my eyes to the depth of the stairs below?  Well YES!  But that worry has allowed me to take steps (pardon the pun) in making it possible for me to traverse stairs safely. Chloe acts as a counter-balance, I instruct students around me that I’m not listening or talking until I get to the bottom… so don’t bother me, I breathe evenly and fix my eyes on no more than two steps at a time, and before I know it… I’m kissing the floor in relief at the bottom!  (OK, that’s an exaggeration, but I certainly do feel euphoric!)

Do I feel anxious when my cochlear implant batteries go dead?  (DUH)  Of course I do!  But my worrying about it happening at an inopportune moment, has led to a very real plan of action.  I have batteries EVERYWHERE.  They are in Chloe’s working vest, my pocketbook, the van, at home, and in my office. My CI is set up to give me a 20 minute warning beep.  When I hear it, I continue with what I’m doing but I include a few moments to secure new batteries.  I’m an expert at slipping out the battery compartment, punching out the three #675 batteries, and replacing them with finesse and speed.  I’m never “deaf” for very long.

I plan in advance to get 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night.  (Yes, you read that right).  My sleeping a great deal is not a warning sign that I am depressed.  I plan to sleep 8 to 10 hours a night!  I make it a priority, and I’m often the first Portis in bed each night.  I get a great deal of sleep because I’ve discovered that I “hear better” when I do.  It takes a lot out of a person to hear through a cochlear implant.  Lip reading is not easy.  Making sense of the noise in my world takes concentration.  I need sleep to function well.

Because of my Meniere’s disease, I consume less salt and caffeine. I take Manganese and working hard at trying to exercise regularly.  (My sister and I have a New Year’s challenge to each other to do better at this!)

At the beginning of this school year, I worried like crazy about some of the things I’m required to go to as a teacher that are at night.  Meniere’s has made driving at night difficult, as headlights from oncoming traffic trigger vertigo and make it difficult to see.  The light acts as a “beacon” if you will, and my eyes are drawn to the counter-clockwise beams around me instead of the road ahead. I worried about how to tell my director that I couldn’t do things at night. But that “worrying” allowed me to plan how I would present my reasons and requests. She listened, and approved my request to not attend meetings after dark.

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To some people, all the things I do each day to be safe, hear well, and live a full and productive life may seem tedious and strange.  But these things are “my normal”. These plans and daily preparations are not tedious and strange for ME.  Santa Kyersten (my daughter) gave me a cane for Christmas.  It was something on my wish list and for me, a necessary tool to live “my normal” on rainy days when my Meniere’s disease makes my balance much worse.

Disability, not Inability

Being disabled means one must find a way to do the things you want to do in a new way.  My deaf/blind friends enjoy communicating with friends and relatives by utilizing both cochlear implants and JAWS (a screen reader program for those with visual challenges and impairments). My friends who have mobility challenges, use service dogs, walkers, canes or power scooters. Late-deafened people learn to speech read, use hearing aids, cochlear implants and assistive listening devices.  I have chosen to have a partner to help of the canine variety!  Chloe gives me independence and confidence.

I’m not trying to suggest that there are not things that every disability group are simply not able to do. I’m deaf.  I’m not able to have a job that relies heavily on communication by phone. There are jobs I could never do that require being able to hear well.  I’m afraid I’ll never be an Air Traffic Controller!  However, the most empowering thing an individual with a disability can do is learn what they CAN do.  We live in a wonderful day of technology and gadgets.  I can do many things that I would not have been able to do had I become deaf even 20 years ago. When new people come to our local hearing loss support group, we work hard at helping them find ways to continue doing what they want to do at both work and home.  There are times an impasse is reached, and we encourage finding NEW things that bring just as much joy and satisfaction as a past job or hobby.

One is only truly no longer “able”, when they give up and resign themselves to isolation and feelings of worthlessness. Yes… there are things I can no longer do that I once enjoyed. But people who cared “booted me in the backside” and encouraged me to find new things I could do!  I have a disability, but I live a rich and full life.  I feel productive and satisfied with my life.

I’m sure that being a person of faith, has made this transition to a “new normal” easier for me. My life can change, and my abilities may “morph”. God never changes, nor deviates from being my Anchor that HOLDS.  The reality is… HE came “first“, and I work hard at keeping Him there in my life.

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

In Heaven’s Eyes

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What do we look like in Heaven’s eyes?

Many years ago, back in the days I could “hear” and before Sandi Patti’s “fall from grace”, I use to listen to her sing, “In Heaven’s Eyes”.

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SIDE NOTE:  Exactly what IS a “fall from grace”?  One can’t FALL FROM GRACE! (said… with a bit of a screech in my voice).  She only “fell” from a legalistic pedestal erected by bozos who think THEY have never done anything in need of “grace”.  She is as human as the rest of us… living life, making mistakes, saved by GRACE!

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I have “lively” conversations with a culturally Deaf lady from time to time.  “Lively”, because we really do burn calories in signing our own point of view about a topic.  We have “good arguments”.  The kind of arguments that I hope she thinks about (and blogs about?) as much as I do when we go our separate ways.

We ended up talking about deafness as we often do.  She tries very hard not to hold it against me that I chose to get a cochlear implant.  She succeeds in her attempts… MOST of the time.  However, at times it just gets the best of her and we “argue in a good-natured” way.  She is a very self-assured woman who was born Deaf and has lived her entire life deeply involved in the Deaf culture here in our country.  She worries that so many children born Deaf as she was, are being implanted with cochlear implants.  I think she worries about the future of the Deaf.  Her biggest pet peeve is for someone to behave as if she can’t THINK as a result of her not being able to hear.  She doesn’t feel broken.  She doesn’t feel disabled.  She feels very normal.

I know she is a believer and so teased, “Well what are you going to do when you get to Heaven?”

“Not Deaf in Heaven’s eyes,” she replied in sign.  “Not hearing (pointing to me) in Heaven’s eyes.  Same (as she indicated both of us).

I instantly remembered the title of the song by this title, written by Phill McHugh, and sung by Sandi Patti.  I asked her if she’d ever seen the words to the song before.  (You don’t ask a Deaf person if they’ve HEARD a song before – smile).  She had not.

I got us “back on track” in our conversation, and explained that she misunderstood what I meant.  I explained how there will be no deafness, blindness or other disabilities in Heaven.  I perhaps got a little carried away as I often do, in talking about Heaven… it took me a full minute to realize her face was unhappy.

She explained that she knows and has read that there is no sickness in Heaven.  She has heard pastors teach that “the deaf will hear, the blind will see, the lame will walk”. Everyone will have a perfect body in Heaven.

No pain.

No tears, nor sorrow.

No sickness.

No calories.

GLORY! (smile)

I realized that, as she has no problem being Deaf and does not consider her deafness a disability, “whats to fix” when she gets to Heaven?  She even tearfully told me that if she has to “hear in Heaven”, she’s not sure she wants to go.

Woah.

Perhaps that is why when someone develops a disability later in life, their perspective is different.  I’ll probably get some “mail” for saying this, but…

If you’ve never heard before, how can you say you don’t miss sound?

My own study of history and the Bible, convinces me to stand firm in my thinking that in the garden of Eden, Adam and Eve could hear perfectly.  I think every part of their bodies worked perfectly.  We were created with ears, the inner parts of which all work together in a wonderful way, allowing us to hear.  It wasn’t until that bite of fruit and disobedience that deafness worked it’s way into our genes. Along with other disabilities, cholesterol, diabetes, birth defects, and

Weight Watchers.

You know you have a real friend, when you can “agree to disagree” and go on from there. It brings me great joy to hear my own young adult children talk about friends they have that don’t believe EXACTLY the way they do. Even better? Rest in the friendship of one who challenges you to discover what you really believe. Hmm.  I’ll save this for another post!

I could tell with startling clarity, my friend and I were at an impasse. Sometimes it’s better to “zip your lips” if you know nothing more can be said in a constructive way.  I guess in this case, I “sat on my hands” versus “zipping”.

Treasuring our friendship, I decided to back up and share the words of that song with her.  She loved the message as well.  This past month, I found out that my Deaf friend is gone.  I only saw her at her place of work, and she lost her job. I need to put on my detective hat and find out where she is now, and see about meeting her for coffee.

I’ll leave “you” with the words to this song as well.  I love it, for it reminds me that Heaven really does view us all the same.  How we look, what we do, where we were born, nor how well our bodies “work”, matters in Heaven’s thinking.  We all need a Savior.

A fervent prayer rose up to heaven,
A fragile soul was losing ground
Sorting through the earthly babble,
Heaven heard the sound.

It was a life of no distinction,
No successes, only tries.
Yet gazing down on this unlovely one,
There was love in Heaven’s Eyes.

The orphaned child, the wayward father,
The homeless traveler in the rain
When life goes by and no one bothers,
Heaven feels the pain.

Looking down, God sees each heartache,
Knows each sorrow, hears each cry,
And looking up, we’ll see compassion’s fire
Ablaze in Heaven’s Eyes.

Refrain:

In Heaven’s Eyes, there are no losers,
In Heaven’s Eyes, no hopeless cause.
Only people like you, with feelings like me
And we’re amazed by the grace we can find
In Heaven’s Eyes.

Denise Portis

© 2008 Hearing Loss Journal