Category: Fidos For Freedom

Passing with FLYING Colors

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Dolphin Show? Nooooo Problem!

We’ve been to the National Aquarium in Baltimore since my “match” with Chloe, but I choose to sit out during the Dolphin Show. We were “new enough” that I did not know what to expect. This past Saturday we met some new friends at the Aquarium. After soliciting the advice and opinions of fellow Fidos For Freedom folks (geesh… say that 5 times really fast!), I decided to take Chloe to the Dolphin Show. I went a little early so I could pick my own seat. I knew I didn’t want in the “Splash Zone”, but I also did not want to sit as close as where the hearing assistive section was situated. I hear “voices” well enough with my CI, so I decided we’d sit where it was best for CHLOE.

This decision meant in the back and up HIGH – grin! With my poor balance, it took some quickly whispered prayers, Chloe’s steady counter-balance, and a husband walking immediately behind my weaving, dizzy, umm…. BEHIND, for me to get where I felt “safe” for Chloe’s sake.

aquarium-005 Most of the time she stayed down on her blanket, and I was not even forced to reinforce the behavior with her treats. She was OK until she heard the dolphins making sounds. I couldn’t hear it, of course, but my husband said they chattered, chirped and made other interesting noises. Chloe would “pop up” to take a look, but would immediately go back down when I reminded her to do so.

At one point, the crowd burst into applause and exclaimed, “OH!” very loudly. Chloe popped up to take a look, and I found her staring in astonishment! A dolphin was doing the “high jump”, where it burst from the water to touch a ball extended high above the water. If Chloe’s jaw could have dropped open, I’m sure it would have. (I did have to ask her twice after that to go back to a “down”!)

Chloe did great at the Aquarium. aquarium-001 I suppose the biggest “chore” was just keeping her from being stepped on by the crowds, and insuring she was in a “safe place”. I had to put her in “place” a couple of times (opposite of “heel”, to the right). I can’t leave her there very long due to…

… As the World Turns

Meniere’s disease is different in every individual. Although symptoms may be similar, they are never identical. Some people develop Meniere’s along WITH unexplained hearing loss, some people have it without any evidence of hearing loss at all! Some people experience tinnitus (ringing, buzzing, whistling), nausea, dizziness, vertigo, blackouts, blurred vision, and much more.

In a simple, layman’s description:  my world spins counter-clockwise. With Chloe in “heel” (although a modified one as she is slightly forward of a formal “heel” due to my inability to see lower, left peripherally), she actually provides a “check” to my slowly, moving world. As my visual field and brain cause me to feel as if I’m spinning left, her “brace” in “heel” sort of SNAPS my visual field back to where it belongs. She is standing, or sitting STILL, which allows my focus to re-establish center as I am NOT “sitting still”. When she is in “place” however, her body isn’t in a position where it enters my counter-clockwise “spin”. Confusing? (grin) Try explaining the individuality of Meniere’s someday!

Let’s just say I’m glad she is in “heel” MOST of the time. I practice “place” and “circle right” as they are occasionally needed.

All So “Normal” for Us

We also went to the shops near the Aquarium, and then waited for about 45 minutes to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. I can hear voices in quiet environments at normal speaking levels. I cannot hear voices in places with a great deal of background noise, nor can I hear whispered things. I tend to miss all of the exclamations from the general public when they see Chloe do something for me.

When she rolls her own blanket up for me so that it is high enough to reach, or picks up her own leash to hand it to me, I do not give it a 2nd thought anymore. She picks up the end of my cane until it’s high enough for me to grab, picks up dropped items like menus or pamphlets, and just has a GRAND time doing it! Although my family are also accustomed to Chloe being by my side and “helping”, they hear those comments that I do not when we are in a new place.

What can be really fun is to see the look on everyone’s face when I remove Chloe’s vest outside for a short break. My dog morphs into “Miss Congeniality”.

Something is ALWAYS Learned

Even when everything does NOT go as smoothly as Saturday did, I still learn important lessons. The least significant lesson may be a reminder of what should be worked on with more diligence. “Reality checks” are great teachers.

Having a working dog does not mean that I do not have to WORK at adapting. My cochlear implant allows me to hear, and yet I am still deaf. I use a bright purple cane, but I still fall sometimes. Chloe acts as my ears, but I will still misunderstand even a noise I am alerted to at times! How we react when everything does NOT go “great” is a good measure of how we are “really” coping with an acquired disability.

Tomorrow I may have a different opinion, but right now I think I’m “passing with FLYING colors!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

The Vest is Really Always “On”

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All Work and No Play?

Chloe doesn’t wear her vest in the house, and I sometimes take her to places where the “vest” stays in the van. Harper’s Ferry is one of those places… although I make her wear it if we are there during “peak” season because the crowds are so large. Lucky for us we live close enough that we go frequently, and normally NOT during peak season!

It’s good for her to “just be a dog” sometimes. And yet… Chloe doesn’t “turn off” her training when she does not have her vest. On the contrary, she does MOST of her hearing alerts when her vest is hanging up by the front door! I work 4 days a week from home, and so when the phone rings, kitchen timer beeps, or doorbell dings, she alerts me to the fact and “takes me there”. Even at Harpers Ferry we discovered she still realized I couldn’t hear well and would alert when “vest-less”. It was at Harpers Ferry that we first realized that she alerts the same and takes me to whomever calls “Denise” OR “Mom”.

Chloe gets plenty of playtime, but she really seems to “get” that regardless of that vest, I need her ears.

I Feel NAKED!

There have been a few times when I left Chloe at home and went to something without her. When my daughter (who has a horrible phobia of needles) went to get blood work prior to starting college, she needed my undivided attention. As a matter of fact, she not only needed my attention, but also both hands and a knee to keep her propped up after swooning. The girl hates needles!

When our family went to Catoctin Wildlife Preserve, I wisely left Chloe at home. It’s not a great idea to take a working dog to a place where things would think she was “dinner”.

On these rare occasions, I have felt positively NAKED without that leash in my hands. I am so accustomed to her presence and help, I feel very strange indeed to be without her. My husband is always glad to have her along as well, for he gets a little irritated when I slip up and tell him to “heel“.

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It’s Great Knowing She Likes to Work

We were at the bank today taking care of some business for our chapter of the Hearing Loss Association of America. As I sat waiting for the woman I needed to see, Chloe stayed in a nice down/stay at my feet. We finally were able to go back and see the woman we had an appointment with, but were stopped by a man waiting in line. He had big tears in his eyes and he told me how beautiful Chloe was and, “… she just adores you! She watches you non-stop… every move you make! She only looks away when someone new walks into the bank and she flops her tail at them and then turns to stare at you again!”

Chloe loves people, and loves to work. That has to rank right up there to being one of the most important things about a working dog… that they love to work.

My “Spiritual” Vest is Always “ON”

Hopefully I’m a person of faith who lives what I believe even outside of Sunday morning services. I try to be “real” and genuine. My faith has become such an ingrained part of who I am, it’s impossible to separate the two. I get some “good natured flack” from time to time about mentioning my faith on the blog so much. However, I’m here and functioning as well as I do as a direct result of my relationship with Christ. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not, and I’ve completely HIS.

Sure, sometimes my mouth negates the fact I am a person of faith. When I sin? It’s ALWAYS with my mouth. My prayer every morning before my feet hit the floor is “Lord, guard my tongue today!” I pray He can use this big mouth for some good. I’m grateful He does not call the ‘qualified‘, rather He ‘qualifies” the called. May I always live like my “vest” is on!

My Teacher Hat is Always On

I guess because I’m a teacher, it’s really hard for me not to be in “teacher mode”. The kids tease me sometimes about making “everything into a learning session”. From correcting their grammar when speaking, to insisting on learning the history and background of a place we are visiting for the day, I end up in a “did ya know?” speech nine times out of ten!

Now that I’ve started back to school myself with the goal of eventually teaching on the community college level, that will likely get even worse. I’m working towards my Masters in Psychology. I noticed on the online biography “background” page, that I’m the only one pictured in my profile with a dog.  (smile)

She’s THAT much a part of my life…

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

“Worry” is the Darkroom in Which “Negatives” can Develop

Published on by hearingelmo4 Comments

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Chloe in her new “Gentle Leader” harness hlaa-feb-0362

chloe-gl-002 Oops… the strap is a little crooked!

Hounds a-Worryin’ Over It!

Premier Pets did a DEMO for Fidos For Freedom on Saturday. I registered in advance, and for my efforts received a “Gentle Leader” harness just for attending. Chloe and I use a “plastic prong” collar for training and “work”, although it is rarely needed now that we’ve been working together for so long. I still utilize it because to Chloe it means “I’m working” as much as her vest does. If someone who is illiterate notices her and tries to coax her close for some petting, I need only gently pull and release and she immediately remembers to stay in a nice sit/stay. Numerous teams at Fidos For Freedom use the “Gentle Leader” however, so since I was going to get one free I wasn’t going to argue!

Chloe is NOT thrilled with it. Honestly, when I first put it on her, her EYES ACTUALLY CROSSED looking down at the strap on her nose! I laughed hysterically, which hurt my poor hound dog’s feelings. After apologizing, I adjusted straps and made sure the fit was right… begged for some 2nd opinions, and then walked her around the training center for about 20 minutes. I’m sure if I NEEDED the control of the “Gentle Leader”, she would become accustomed to it fairly quickly.

For that first 20 minutes, she “worried” over it almost obsessively. She followed commands, but even when in “heel” tried to rub it off against my leg! When we stopped, she’d use her paw and try to slip it over the edge of her nose! (A proper fit insures this cannot be done!) Bottom line, the harness looked lovely on her, but her attitude was peeved. She “worried” over it until our stops in a “sit/stay” had her pouting and turning her head away from me. After about fifteen minutes, her tail was even drooping. “Worry” had quickly cultivated real “negative weeds” in the heart and mind of my friendly working dog! In the end, she was just TICKED OFF. Right before we left I slipped it off of her so I could get her to “hurry up” (potty) before loading her in the van for the long trip home. As soon as the harness was removed she began kissing me in “thanks” and even whining her heartfelt gratitude!

I’ve made sure she’s had it on a little bit at home, but again as I don’t see a NEED for it right now… “don’t try to fix what ain’t broke“. Who knows? I may have a need for it one day.

People a-Worrin’ Over it!

I’m many times like my hound dog. I can “worry” over things that are new, and not completely to my liking. It may be something new that can’t be helped. So exactly what good is accomplished over worryin’ over it?

The past week we’ve been blessed with some beautiful dustings of snow in the mornings. I just love snow. I love the way it feels in my hands and under my boots. I love the way it looks as it falls in big white flakes, or swirling in the wind of a near blizzard. I love shoveling snow. (Aren’t I insane?) I like the sound the snow shovel makes when it hits, lifts and displaces the snow. I love looking behind me at the “path” I’ve created and feel a sense of accomplishment equaling the birth of a child. (OK, yeah… that’s a stretch!)  Snow doesn’t affect my vertigo and balance the way rain does. At least until this past week…

I have had some “near misses” in falls, and have had some real trouble in my balance during this week. I’ve been a little peeved about it. Peeved to the point that I’ve been a little bit snippy. When I realized I was reacting in a fairly negative way to almost everything, I tried to reflect on what the problem might be. After a little “self-discovery” of the underlying cause, I vowed to change my attitude then and there! I mean? Why worry over something that cannot be changed?

A New Normal

For me, this is just part of my “new normal”. It is normal for me to have bad “balance days”. It is normal for me not to hear well in crowded places. However, I can adapt and make necessary changes in order to live my life with passion, respect, and value. If I do all I can to be healthy, then on days I find I’m staggering around, I must accept as part of my “new normal”.

If I get angry, depressed and negative about it, I end up with family members trying to decide “what is UP with HER?” Hubby asks, “Are you PMS’ing?” (The only reason they even call it PMS is because Mad Cow Disease was taken.) How smart is it to say something like that? It did snap me back for a second however, to see what THEY were seeing. It was the impetus I needed to do some soul-searching.

I can worry 24/7 and nothing positive will come of it. On the contrary, negative thinking tends to choke out every rational thought I have. And frankly? I need to stay focused and rational about my problems! Evaluating, weighing, and finding solutions to problems is a whole lot different than worryin’ over them.

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Little Boy’s Voice – LOST

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Chris Portis – 18 years old (Junior year for CCA yearbook)

This morning I emailed Chris’s yearbook picture to the mother who is in charge of the CCA yearbook.  I think it is due the 20th.  For ME, I’m cutting it kind of close being that I am normally the first one to submit things due to those in leadership for our homeschool co-op!

Perhaps I was just tired (it WAS early, and I had a lot to do today so didn’t sleep well for “worryin’ over it”), but I was a little tearful lookin’ at the “mug” of the baby of our family. I felt as though my little boy’s voice was LOST.

Chris had speech problems, and started school late as a 6-year-old.  This is ironic as his is the best voice I “hear” in my family now. He enunciates really well (at least for ME), and he has great volume and projects well. (Likely in part due to a couple of years of Debate)

I was emotional about it, for I don’t have a “little boy voice” memory of Chris. We have some videos of the kids when they were little. Now that I “hear again”, I can make out what Chris use to sound like.  But his voice is “lost” for me… I have no memory of it even after listening to tapes. Many times when I “hear” someone that I’ve known for a long time, I have a twinge in my memory. It’s like a growing pain – as my brain stretches and searches – to see if there is a memory of that person’s voice.  I don’t burn any calories hearing the voice of someone “new”.  I don’t have a memory of their voice.

When I was activated on May 13, 2005, it was the FIRST time I had ever heard Chris.  My husband and daughter chuckle at some of their memories of Chris’s voice changing. That adolescent “crack” of a maturing young man’s voice left no imprint on me – for I did not hear it.  I am unable to reminisce with them.

Adapting

I learned to really WATCH my kids when they were growing up. We’ve all been told that mom’s seems to have an extra pair of eyes in the back of their heads.  I made sure I made use of mine.  Desperate to understand and connect with my children, I made sure I WATCHED. I looked carefully at body language and facial expression.  I wanted to know how they were feeling, and wanted to understand what they were trying to convey.

I had to know that when both rushed inside talking at the same time, that I had to see AROUND the story of the squished worm. I had to see on Chris’s face how gleeful he was to have squished the worm, and how it felt.  I wanted to identify with his pleasure of this, and deciphered the look on his face to know he was eager for that “Mama high 5“!

My daughter, however, had tears in her eyes and her lip was all a-quiver.  She recited the same story.  Yet, her chest heaved with indignation, and her finger shook as she pointed it at the human I had just given a “high 5” too.  It seems the worm was squished all right, but done so on her arm!  So I had to smother a laugh, and commiserate with the little darling all the while wiping “squished worm” from her skinny little arm.

Still Adapting

I am truly blessed to be “hearing again”. However, hearing with a cochlear implant is not “perfect hearing”. I have learned to make some changes now that I am hearing through the miracle of a cochlear implant.

I hear voices great. Other sounds?  Not so great… I also don’t hear well in busy, noisy environments.  These are just two of the reasons I ended up training for a hearing assistance dog.

I have learned to watch Chloe. I pay attention to where her focus is, and try to always be aware of what she is hearing. She has these great “hound dog” ears that perk up, and her eyebrows are especially expressive as she concentrates, and alerts to the sounds around her.

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(See how tired she is after a shopping trip?)

I have changed the way I shop. Chloe does great if I run my errands in the morning, and she is more alert and “ready to work” when I remember to take care of things early in the day.  If I end up having to go do something later in the day, she still does her job… but there’s a bit of a “drag” to her step. No dog can look tired like a hound dog can! I realized it was more fair to her to do “work” early in the day. We still do things at night like movies, eating out… but she is normally able to curl up on her blanket until needed during those times.

hlaa-feb-034 Here Chloe is resting at a late morning meeting while I am giving a workshop on “HoH Valentines”.  She has learned to rest when she can, and work when it’s “time to do so”.

This morning she and I went grocery shopping. I never use to attempt going to the grocery store alone.  Talk about feeling housebound!

Today while shopping, I unsuccessfully pulled to the side to get out of the way of someone in a hurry. In order to keep Chloe from getting trampled on, I dropped my shopping list and 4 coupons.  Chloe does an “automatic retrieve” of things dropped. Within 45 seconds I had my shopping list back in hand with 4 slightly damp coupons. (Bending to the floor to pick up something flat, can cause me to GO FLAT due to Meniere’s)

We were almost finished shopping, and I noticed that Chloe’s ears were up and could even tell from watching her muzzle a low growl was erupting from her chest. I quickly shushed her but looked at where she was so intently staring. A man sat on the floor near the magazines – all sprawled out – and apparently making himself at home.  Chloe knew this was unusual, and wanted to make sure I knew he was there.  After we rounded the corner, I reached down to pat her head and said, “Good girl, Chloe”. She wagged her tail and knew I had acknowledged what she had seen and HEARD.

Adapting – My List

I believe every WISE person learns to adapt.  If you look back on your life and see some real growth, chances are you learned to adapt at some point.  Adapting is not “caving in” to other’s ideas, peer pressure, or external stimuli.  In actuality, for one to adapt one must consciously choose to make necessary changes in order to succeed.  We don’t ever adapt in order to “fail on purpose”.

I made a list of adaptations I have made in order to “succeed”. By no means an exhaustive list, this hopefully will help you come up with a list of your own.  It’s very helpful to “track changes” and record progress.

♥ Shop/run errands early so Chloe performs “best”

♥ Taught Chloe to walk in a modified heel… slightly forward as I have poor peripheral vision to the lower left

♥ Go to Costco on Monday or Tuesday mornings to avoid crowds

♥ Move my chair in church to allow Chloe room right in front of me so she doesn’t encroach on other folk’s space

♥ Follow-up with every face-to-face meeting with an email to make sure I understood

♥ Use Facebook to know how to better pray for others as I don’t talk to many people in person and NEVER by phone

♥ Watch the show “24” with enthusiasm as I’ll have to watch it anyway to be with my hubby on Monday night’s…

Give you any ideas?  Now go make your own list! (smile)

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

“Memories… Light the Corners of my Mind…”

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Look into these soulful brown eyes, and one can believe she remembers those she loves very easily!

“Memorieeesssss… light the corners of my mmmmind…”

Your age will likely influence whether or not you started singing along, and finished the line, “Misty, water-colored Mmmmemorieeeessss… of the way we were….”

Dogs remember

I’m always amazed at what a dog can remember.  Not so much “tricks” and obedience commands, for in truth, they remember those types of skills as the result of an owner/trainer who consistently practices and hones those skills.  I “smack my face” in shock at times, as to what a dog can remember that is NOT the result of  training. (Yeah, yeah, I know!  You’d like to smack my face for me? Grin).

Chloe constantly amazes me at being able to remember a “dog” she hasn’t seen in a really long time, and going all a-wiggle at just a glimpse of her “buddy” across the parking lot.  She was “rushed” and received a bite from a white poodle once.  She still quivers in fear at the sight of one, and it she isn’t even seeing the SAME one. Chloe has a great memory!

Wednesday, I had to rush to the grocery store to pick up a few items to last my family through the week.  I carried one of those baskets, instead of choosing a cart. I’m convinced that I need to remember to ALWAYS reach for a cart now, no matter how few items I may need.  The cart actually helps me balance some, and it also allows me to block Chloe from “oh I gotta pet you/cuz I can’t read” hands.  (Honestly, you’d think her vest said “PET ME PLEASE!”)

I dropped a coupon and was in the middle of asking Chloe to retrieve it for me, when she heard something and dropped the coupon mid-“retrieve”.  Actually it was kind of comical, because when she dropped the coupon her mouth still hung ajar!  I’ve never seen my “hound dog” surprised by what she’d heard before! I could tell right away she was hearing something, as she became very still, and her head cocked to the side.  Her ears perked up and she looked in the direction of the next aisle.

I was able to get her to focus and retrieve the coupon (with a little EFFORT), and we continued down the aisle.  She was literally “a-tremble” with excitement, and kept looking at the aisle next to us with her ears all perked up. I was kicking myself for not having a cart, but bravely rounded the corner and headed into the next aisle. I saw some ladies rounding the corner of the aisle next to us. Fortunately, they were going in the opposite direction so we were now going to have an aisle between us.  UNFORTUNATELY, Chloe didn’t like that.  She barked a high-pitch yelp/bark.  I shushed her immediately, and scolded her quietly as wouldn’t you know the end of the aisle was also nearest the cash registers and front-end employees?

I put her in “heel” and headed down the next aisle.  She continued to “hop/walk”, listening intently, and still all “a-tremble“.  I tried to listen to make sure that as we rounded the end of the aisle, those ladies were not doing so as well.  Being that I’m not a lucky person by chance, I of course came to the end of the aisle at the same time they did!  Thankfully, this time I was BETWEEN the ladies and Chloe, but she ducked her head and looked between my knees at the ladies.

One of them noticed her peeking between my kneecaps, and said, “Oh look at the beautiful dog! Look how wonderful she is!” Something about the voice made me start “thinking quickly”, but I couldn’t put it together quite yet “why”.

One of the ladies she was with said, “Oh my! She’s beautiful!  What does she do?”  She stepped closer to read her vest.  The closer she got to me, the clearer her voice became.  Chloe was attempting to sit in a nice heel position, but was just trembling from head to toe.  The lady said, “Oh she’s crying!”

Darn.  I can’t hear Chloe whimper sometimes, so I looked down and said, “Chloe… shussh!  Quiet!”  I turned to the lady standing there and said, “I’m sorry she’s not normally this way. She seems very excited to see you.”

The ladies moved closer and continued to talk to me (as they realized talking to Chloe was making her no longer SIT).  Right as one lady was explaining how thrilled she was that dogs could help a deaf person – it hit me.  I was so startled by my epiphany, I dropped my basket… on my foot! (At least it wasn’t Chloe’s!) Thankfully, I only had some boxed items in it so it wasn’t very heavy. The ladies were turning away to go, and I in a bold and desperate move, reached out and motioned to them to stop.

“Excuse me.  I love your accent, and I think my dog actually recognizes it from a trainer she had when she was young.  Can I ask where you are from?”

Although she had lived here for over a year, she and one of the ladies with her were from Vaspy, Sweden. (I’m sure I’ve spelled that wrong, but I’m spelling it like it sounded and HEY!  She had a Swedish accent so I was having trouble!).

They walked away from us to finish shopping and I stood rooted to the spot.  I think perhaps my mouth was hung ajar like Chloe’s had been after the coupon retrieve.  One of Chloe’s earlier trainers had a Scandinavian accent, although I do not know where she originally “hailed” from.  Chloe had HEARD these ladies voices, recognized the ACCENT, and thought Jolanthe was in the next aisle!

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been QUITE that surprised by the turn of events.  After all, Chloe can hear Pat’s voice (her most recent trainer) from the next room and become really excited. Heaven help us if we ever happen upon Pat in a store now…

My Ears Want to Remember

My cochlear implant is a wonderful miracle really!  I never thought I’d be hearing voices as well as I do “this side of Heaven”.  But hearing through the miracle of bionics is not hearing PERFECTLY.

Sometimes I hear things and know “something isn’t right”, but am unable to put my finger on the “what”. Take a cat’s purr for example.  If I hold one of our cats right up next to my implant I can “hear” the cat purr.  They aren’t very thrilled to be dangling from my hands and smushed up against my implant, but they will continue to purr – believe it or not!  I think part of it is that I can feel the vibration of the cat’s purr, and this aids in “conjuring up memories” of a cat’s motor.  But when I hear one of our cat’s purr, it’s a little “off”… something isn’t quite “right”.  I have a memory of a cat’s purr, but what I’m hearing is just a little bit “mechanical” compared to what I remember.  My daughter tells me all our cat’s purr differently. I suppose I’ve had a hearing loss long enough to not really quite understand how a cat’s purr can sound different.  Even more remarkable to me, is knowing my daughter claims she can tell the difference!  I just can’t quite put my brain around the fact that someone can hear THAT well!

I’m coming up on my four-year anniversary of “hearing again”.  I still hear things “for the first time” since activation. For example, this past Christmas I was shopping with my husband at Home Depot.  Around the base of one of the Christmas trees, a little miniature train chug-chugged along.  I stood there in front of God and shoppers and wept.  I could remember the sound of my older brother’s electric train set and “hearing it again”, was emotional!

I’ve spent the past summers “remembering” the sound of lawn mowers, and leaf blowers.  I’ve experienced autumns remembering how a rake sounds pulling leaves into a pile.  If it’s quiet, and the noise isn’t distorted by other background noises, I hear… and REMEMBER.

Something that makes me sad – if I let it – is not having a memory of how my kids sounded when they were little.  We’ve a few old VHS tapes, but hearing the tapes triggers no memories for me as I HAVE NONE.  I can usually cheer myself up pretty quickly, in simply recognizing the fact that I have amazing conversations with my young adult children NOW. (Reading their lips, “More juice please” was likely more endearing than “Can I have the car keys” though…)

May all of us take the time to REMEMBER.  Don’t waste energy remembering negative things (unless they taught you something).  Remember good times, good friends, and heck yeah!  GREAT DOGS!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Camera Shy

Published on by hearingelmo2 Comments


The dogs were having such a great time in the snow this morning, I decided to “dash” inside to get the camera. (At least I did a “dash” for one such as I!) By the time I returned, they were still “throwing snow” at each other so I quickly turned the camera on and began taping.

Yeah. You guessed it, I’m sure. My kids tell me the camera makes a beep when it starts taping. Perhaps that was their “cue” to stop acting so darn cute! Regardless of the “how”, they did put an immediate stop to their antics.

Documented Proof

The dogs were having a great time skidding around in the snow – true. But I’ve also been trying to surreptitiously document how incredibly nutty our puppy is in the snow! He’s an “arctic dog”, and honestly I have to force the little booger inside when the temperature drops below freezing. As it is, when he is tired, he tries to find the biggest patch of snow on which to nap!

I thought I had a perfect “Kodak moment” (or maybe candid camera?) when I sneaked the camera outside. Turn the silly thing “on”, and the dogs slid to a halt. Sigh. We adopted Tyco from my trainer who also does Norwegian Elkhound rescue. I’ve also wanted to tape and document how happy Tyco is with our family, and how perfect a “match” he is for our family. Now Pat will have to take my word for it! Grin.

Invisible Disabilities

This need for “proof”… finding a viable way to show something was true above and beyond the value of my “word”, reminded me of my deafness is some ways.

I get some “flack” for wearing my hair up which allows both my hearing aid and cochlear implant to be visible. I’ve had some culturally Deaf folks give me “heck” for not only choosing a CI, but for wearing “bling” on the device as if I were proud of it – as I am! I’ve had late-deafened people question my sanity for choosing to make something visible that doesn’t need to be. Some try to “blend in” and “look like everyone else”, desperately hoping their hearing loss does not interfere with relationships, a job promotion, or other’s perceptions of their abilities.

I suppose in the beginning I was the same way. I didn’t deliberately TRY to hide my hearing aid, but my hair is long and it did the trick without my trying! However, there came a day when my hearing loss changed from “moderate” to “severe” to “profound”. Speech reading is not an exact science, and my hearing aids were no longer giving me any benefit. I was “missing things”. If people were not aware that I had a hearing loss, they did not know to get my attention prior to communicating with me. I said things at inappropriate times (and still do), or missed what the topic was that was being discussed. I decided to try to make my hearing loss more visible. I did this to help both OTHERS, and myself! I wore my hair up, and wore a magnetic badge that said, “Please Face Me. I read lips!”

After I received my cochlear implant, I decided then and there that I was going to continue to make my invisible disability – visible. I wanted “proof” that I had a hearing loss. I was tired of being misunderstood, or labeled as slow, stuck-up, or mean. My CI allows me to hear voices really well (although I still benefit from a person getting my attention first), but I still miss a lot of things to in crowds and big cavernous locations like malls, restaurants, arenas, gyms, etc. I wanted to SHOW my ears and technology, as a reminder that in many circumstances I am still deaf!

For those who don’t know me, my visible technology lets them know I hear differently. A little patience and good communication skills will insure we communicate just fine. Chloe actually “shouts” the fact that there is something different about me anyway! Everyone notices her FIRST. They “mosey over” to read her vest and THEN look up and check out my ears!

For those who DO know me well, I’ve found my “visibility” reminds them I am still deaf “in spite of” my cochlear implant. We had a fire inspector come and test the alarms at our school a couple of weeks ago. My director planted herself right next to me, as I think she was afraid of what Chloe may do. She didn’t want me “falling down” on her “watch” – smile. When the alarm went off Chloe cocked her head and listened. My director explained that there was a voice as well as the alarm. (Evidently, it explains the emergency and instructs people where to go?) I was talking to Chloe to keep her calm (as she was visibly shaking), and I kept an eye on the blinking lights of the strobe section of the alarms set in the hallway.

Later at lunch, my son found me and asked out of concern, “Gee mom! How did Chloe do during the fire alarm?”

I proudly explained how she remained calm and sat in heel during the entire thing. I told him how the director of our school came to stand next to me to “help if needed”.

Chris contemplated that a moment and then said, “It’s a good thing you wear your hair up so those of us who know you remember you still are deaf! You act so normal now!”

(So pre-implant how does that mean I behaved? Gulp!)

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

College for a Day!

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Chloe had a great time visiting a college last week.  She doesn’t mind car trips, and was pretty good in the motel as well!  (She loves elevators!)

Once on campus, I fought to keep her calm. Chloe’s weaknesses are MEN and “Teens”.  What is a college campus full of?  College guys, who all thought she was rather lovely too.  Oh my!  After a few corrections, she finally realized “Gee.  Denise means business!”  She loved the arena area (above),

because she was able to watch all the action from up high.  She had the best

seat in the house.  She totally ignores all the double-takes.

I’m so glad our church has a live band every Sunday.  The band, lights,

NOISE in the arena were not worth getting excited about, and she is

totally accustomed to my signing the songs.  Later during a meeting a

“boy group” of 3 young men came in to sing to the parents/visitors.

They came and crooned literally within a yard of her.  She slept

right through it.  I’m so glad this type of atmosphere is normal

for her!

Chloe was mildly amused when an admissions counselor asked

me if I was planning on transferring to the university.

I was not so amused.  (My husband and daughter were snickering,

however!)

Ah college… being there almost made me “miss it”!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Nightmare Trip

Published on by hearingelmo3 Comments

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Trip home:  Chloe kept making sure Mom was ok…

Kyersten Portis often writes for Hearing Elmo. She has only known “Mom” (Denise) as a late-deafened adult. Hearing loss affects the entire family unit, and my disability has made it possible that all members of my family are incredibly “ABLE”.

The scene was already something from a horror movie. It was late at night on HWY 501, and we didn’t know where we were going.  The road was out in the middle of nowhere. The mountains loomed around us and the road showed little sign of life apart from a few abandoned looking buildings. Off in the darkness one could see the dark emptiness of a valley. The road was winding, narrow, and the top speed limit was 20 mph in most places.  Your mind could conjure up pictures of Ax Murderers wandering along the road to murder and terrify… and umm – AX people.

We didn’t run into any Ax Murderers. Still, it was quite a scary trip.

We were traveling to visit a college I’m interested in transferring too in Virginia. It was up in the mountains. As the road became increasingly curvy, Mom became increasingly car sick.

“Why are we here? I have a balance disorder! I feel sick! I hate you, Terry,” she moaned from the backseat where she sat with Chloe. Dad at first defended himself, but then meekly apologized as she continued to pipe up at rather random moments that she “hated him”. (He said later she said the same thing when she was giving birth to me, so he figured she was just in pain and didn’t mean it).

Poor Mom. I offered to switch seats with her as I was in the front, but she refused. She finally started crying. After a couple of minutes, her crying stopped. I was relieved and glad she was feeling braver. I glanced into the backseat…

“Oh my gosh! She passed out!” I gasped. Dad flinched but kept driving. What could we do? We couldn’t stop, no civilization was in sight. (Besides, the Ax Murderers are out there!) Mom came back to consciousness finally.

She moaned, and asked if we were there yet (to which we lied and said, “almost”).  She asked Dad to turn out the headlights. When he said he couldn’t, she told him she hated him, and asked for me to help her find her cochlear implant (which was actually attached to her head) and passed out again. This time she hit the window. I yelped for Dad to pull over. I crawled to the back to where she was at poked her gently. Chloe came up to bark at shadows (perhaps Ax Murderers) and it seemed to bring Mom back to consciousness.  She asked why Chloe was barking and then basically repeated what she had said the first time she passed out. So… I sat in the back and held Mom up as she passed out another few times. I tell you what… there is nothing quite as scary as seeing your mom pass in and out of consciousness. I held my hand up to feel her breathing in and out, worried about how still she was.

We finally made it to our hotel. And Mom? Mom didn’t recall any of the events and felt bad about telling her husband she hated him a 100 times.

I was definitely thanking God she was okay and amused more than anything. She felt dizzy the rest of the night. I listened worriedly at the bathroom door when she took a shower, waiting for a “thunk” if she passed out. But she seemed to sleep it off and felt better the next day and was good on the way home.(We took a different route, and it was DAYLIGHT!)

Actually, the whole car trip could be seen as “life with someone with a disability“. As life became twisted and dark, Mom felt isolated from the world. But even in her isolation, her family was there. She was isolated from civilization, but we were there in the space (aka, car) with her. She may not have wanted to accept our help, but we were there for her. We held her up, encouraged her, and traveled to the end of the road with her. With God’s help, we brought her out of the depression and darkness and into contentment. Dad didn’t let her push him away, even when she said she hated him. He tried to fix it and carry her to safety. Chloe, didn’t know was going on honestly, but barked at the shadows that crept upon Mom. She stood over her in the dark, worried and trying to help. Many times Chloe helps chase away any gloom that Mom feels just because of her unconditional doggie love. I helped support her, and Chris prayed from home after getting a hysterical text from ME. Mom endured. And we arrived at the end of the road, to peace. We knew there would be other trips and roads, but we enjoyed the oasis of peace and look forward with the knowledge we’ll be okay. God is always there with us. And we always have each other =)

Kyersten Portis

(10 days shy of 19-years-old)    kyersten-brown-0021

Denise Portis

©2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Look Out Behind You…

Published on by hearingelmo4 Comments

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Look Out Behind You… and Call Your Dog!

We practice many things at the training center at Fidos For Freedom.  At first glance, the exercise may seem time consuming and even confusing. (My kids ask me from time to time exactly HOW are they going to use Geometry in real life?  Why do they have to do the practice exercises if they will never use it?)

I have to admit that occasionally I think to myself, that Chloe and I will never use a certain command in public.  I wonder from time to time, why we seem to practice some of the commands that we do at the center. I always participate, however, as I have learned to trust the trainers and their judgment in such matters.  One exercise we do several times a month is a response to the command, “Look out behind you and call your dog!” Clients are to take a quick look behind them to make sure nothing is in their way. You then take two or three quick steps backwards, and give the formal command “Fido, Come!” to your dog.  The dogs have been trained to quickly position themselves in a “sit” in front of you, with their nose facing your stomach.  I have very poor peripheral, so a “quick look behind me” has never been an easy task! For me to take two or three “quick” steps backwards, can mean a spill on a day my balance is really “off”.

I have to admit that internally I grumbled from time to time when asked to perform this command on the training floor.  Never again…

When Least Expected, It May Come in Handy!

This past Friday, I left the house early to go to Wal-mart.  I have a love/hate relationship with Wal-mart. On the one hand… I save quite a bit of money at this store. They tend to have a big selection, carry name brands, and have great sales. On the other hand… the lines are awful, it’s hard to find a place to park, and the stores I go to are often messy. (Not easy to navigate “messy” when pushing a cart with a working dog alongside!)

I have found, however, that if one goes early in the day on a weekday, it isn’t too much of a trial. So Friday morning – bright and early, Chloe and I plus my son Chris, headed to Wal-mart.

Chris went to look for a game that was suppose to be “out”, so Chloe and I headed into the pharmacy section alone. I noticed almost right away that she’d startle, and then cock her head to listen carefully about every three or four feet. I was busy looking for my shampoo, but automatically watched her a little more carefully for any further clues as to what she was hearing. As we neared the end of the aisle, her ears were perked up and she looked nervous. Every few seconds, I caught the sound of “something”, but honestly could not tell for sure what it might be! As we rounded the corner, a harried-looking mother with a couple of youngsters in tow came around the next aisle. The kids were screaming and crying, and one toddler was in a sprint away from mom. The toddler hit the end of my cart head-on with both hands and SHOVED. Two or three seconds before impact, I shot a quick glance over my shoulder and took three frantic steps backwards, and commanded urgently, “Chloe… COME”! Chloe obeyed immediately, even though her attention was on the family.  The cart ricocheted off an end-cap of baby oil products. I plucked my purse out of the cart, and put Chloe in “heel” beside me… protected from the main aisle. The mother apologized profusely, and corralled her kids to continue shopping. As soon as she was out of sight, I squatted down to face Chloe and exclaimed:

“Chloe! We Looked Out Behind Us!  We did it!”  Chloe cocked her head to the side like she does when she’s trying to figure out what I’m saying.  (Hmm… was there a command in there that I recognize?) I was positively gleeful… and Chloe?  Well she was not exactly sure why I was so VERY excited about a simple “come” command! Her tail gave a half-hearted flop and she wiggled closer… which of course caused me to plop into the floor from my crouched position. I was totally fine with that! I threw my arms around her and explained to her out loud (and likely LOUDLY given the fact that I have a hearing loss…), “Chloe, I never thought we’d use ‘Look Out Behind You‘, and I did it!  We used it perfectly! I wasn’t hurt… you weren’t hurt!  Hey, it worked perfectly!”  In hindsight, I was very likely a little too excited about something rather trivial. Actually by this time I had drawn a small crowd of observers.

A lady reached her hand out and asked, “Can I help you up?”

“Nope”, I responded cheerfully, “that’s what she’s for!”  Chloe helped me up with a modified ‘brace’, and I reached over for my cart.

A grandfatherly-looking man stood there watching, and remarked dryly, “she’s better behaved than most kids in here!”

Still on a euphoric “high”, I gushed, “YES!  And we did ‘look out behind you‘ perfectly!”

His bemused smile turned to concern and he looked behind him with confusion. I plopped my purse back into the cart and wheeled away with my head in the clouds.

Practice, in Order to be Prepared

Later as I put away groceries and toiletries, I still had a smile a mile wide on my face. I used “Look Out Behind You“! I couldn’t help but chuckle about it even hours later!

You know? It pays to practice things! Think of how practicing even responses to uneducated questions can be helpful! As a person with hearing loss, I have heard some fairly ridiculous questions before. I have also been wounded by rude and simple-minded questions. Yet my response has not always been in such a way that I was able to advocate in a positive way. Sometimes my response, further cemented irrational assumptions by people with normal hearing and balance.  Take for example the following:

Why do you talk that way? Do you have a speech impairment?

Wrong answer: “No, stupid!  I don’t have a speech impairment, you have a BRAIN impairment!”

Right answer: “Actually I have a profound hearing loss. I can’t hear myself anymore and I know I pronounce things funny sometimes.” (I’m so thankful for my cochlear implant! My speech has dramatically improved, even when I’m really tired!)

Why do you wear your hair up where everyone can see your cochlear implant and hearing aid?  Why do you want them to see your disability?

Wrong answer: “It’s none of your business stupid!  I can wear my hair the way I want!”

Right answer: Actually I do that so people are aware that I don’t hear well. I don’t want someone to be upset if I don’t answer when called, or answer inappropriately to a question I didn’t hear well.  It clues them in right away that if they take some extra time to communicate well, I will likely do just fine!

Why do you still ask for ‘repeats’ and not hear things? I thought the cochlear implant was going to FIX you!

Wrong answer: “I’m not Jamie Sommers, stupid!” (Do you see a recurring pattern of STUPID in the wrong answers? Grin!)

Right answer: “Actually my bionics allow me to hear things I never thought I’d hear again! But it isn’t perfect hearing, and I will always be a person with hearing loss. Compared to where I was before the implant, I am doing amazingly well!”

If you are deaf, how can you use a telephone?

Wrong answer: Why shouldn’t I be able to use the phone?  I can eat, drink, and go to the bathroom by myself too!”

Right answer: We live in an amazing era of technology.  My cochlear implant can utilize a t-coil switch, which allows me to use the phone with only a little work, thanks to telephones that are t-coil compatible. I can’t use EVERY phone, but I can use MINE.

Why do you have an assistance dog? You aren’t blind, and it draws attention to you!

Wrong answer: Actually she’s an attack dog… Chloe… BITE HIM!

Right answer: Having both Meniere’s disease, and hearing loss, Chloe simply makes my life easier. She takes a lot of stress out of the fact I don’t hear well. I hear voices pretty well with my CI, but Chloe makes sure I hear all those other noises. I am much safer now, and can do things independently. If I drop things, it takes Chloe seconds to retrieve something for me that would have taken me several minutes to get myself because of my balance issues. I don’t have to ask others to help, because SHE is my “helper”.

If you have an acquired disability, I’m sure you too have heard your share of “stupid questions”. Perhaps your disability is not widely understood, or is “invisible”. We can’t walk around with a neon sign that says, “disabled person” over our heads. And who would want to? Frankly, I highlight what I CAN do, not what I cannot.  Perhaps practicing responses to some of the questions you have heard, will insure that when the time comes for you to reply again, it will be in a positive and educational way. After all, a curt and petty response only hurts the next person with a disability. A measured, well-thought and rehearsed answer is much more likely to produce understanding and acceptance in even the most STUPID irrational person!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal




… So Basically I’m GONNA LIVE FOREVER!

Published on by hearingelmo5 Comments

green-tea

Green Tea from Costco … my favorite brand

Compelled to Change by Negative Triggers

About four months ago I caught a nasty 24 hour virus.  The only thing unique about this virus was the timing of when the symptoms appeared.  I had my morning coffee and THEN became sick.

Now you have to understand that I’ve been drinking coffee for twenty-four years.  After years of going to school and working I found that I was a 4-cup a day, coffee drinking addict.  I add that last part because frankly, my son reminds me that caffeine is a drug every chance he gets.  (Darn, those assigned research papers on drugs in 9th grade! Could I have known he’d take this information to his grave?)  I always get out of bed before my kids.  In part, the result that MY alarm clock (Chloe, hearing assistance dog) does not have a “snooze button”.  When it’s time to get up she… well, makes sure I’m UP! I normally hit the “on” button as I walk past the coffee maker.  Alternating between French Vanilla, and Hazelnut sugar-free creamers, meant my coffee was my favorite part of the day. I will admit that the fact I had some quiet time to myself during this morning period, also contributed to it being the favorite part of my day.

Nothing spoils “a favorite” like a virus.  When a stomach virus’s symptoms hit after having only consumed your morning coffee, little else “reappears” other than that coffee! I won’t go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say that I can no longer even SMELL coffee. Being married to a psychologist, I’m assuming I’m experiencing psychosomatic symptoms.  The reality is I may simply have a very good memory. All I know is that I can no longer drink coffee.

But when one is addicted to caffeine, (repeated for the benefit of my 18-year-old son who continues to remind me about common, over-the-counter and legal stimulants), one can’t just ditch the coffee and survive. Yes, I realize I might should have taken this opportunity to “kick the habit” once and for all.  Frankly, I love curling up with a hot cup of “something” first thing in the morning!  Desperate to find a quick and painless alternative “source”, I turned to green tea.

Change Can Lead to Discovery

I love the fact that someone MY age can discover something new.  Discovery?  I love green tea.  In fact, I drink green tea most of the day.  After consuming approximately 4 cups of regular green tea, I drink decaf green tea the remainder of the day.  In the four months I’ve been a tea drinker, I tried numerous brands and actually love them all.  I do have a favorite, however, thanks to the Christmas gift of one of my students who happened to stick a few tea bags of Kirkland signature ITO EN into her “goodie basket”.  (Thanks Sarahann!)

I received February 2009 Ladies Home Journal in the mail over the weekend. Saturday evening while trying to find something new to read before going to bed, I decided to curl up with the magazine (and a cup of decaf green tea of course!).  The article, “The Healing Power of Tea” caught my eye.  I learned that ANY kind of tea has health benefits, but green tea seems especially potent in protecting against some of even the deadliest diseases.

According to the article written by Paula Dranov, “… scientists are finding that drinking tea may keep your heart healthy, protect you from cancer, boost your body’s ability to fight off germs, strengthen your bones, prevent cavities and sharpen your concentration”.  Evidently it lowers your LDL (“bad”) cholesterol as well as lowers the risk of plaque build-up in the arteries.  It may lower the risk of a variety of deadly cancers, and boosts immunity to ward of bacteria and viruses… you know, the kind that make you throw-up your morning coffee!  L-theanine  seems to heighten concentration, and another antioxidant found in tea may stave off Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s! Tea even strengthens bones, and prevents cavities as it contains fluoride.

Now that I’m a tea drinker?  Well, basically I’m GONNA LIVE FOREVER!

Good can come from even nasty viruses.

Compelled to Change by Negative Triggers – Part 2

Change can occur by design, but for me it is often because I’m forced to do so. Does that make me stubborn? (Hmm, scratching head and pondering that). I think I’m just a creature of habit.  When change occurs in my life, it is usually because circumstances forced me to adapt.

No one ever asks for a disability.  Whether congenital or adventitious, disabilities simply aren’t something one HOPES to learn to deal with in their life.  I mean… life is hard enough!  Yet, those I know with disabilities seem to be masters at learning to adapt and to change.  That doesn’t mean it’s always done right – yet, change will happen. One must learn to do things a “new way”.  Many times a person has to learn to ASK for help. Sometimes it means giving up some things you really loved, and learning to enjoy “replacement” activities instead.  There are times you have to “take 5” and just feel sorry for yourself – as long as you get back out there and embrace life when your “5” are up!

I consider deafness and Meniere’s disease negative triggers. Yet the change wrought in my own life, has made me who I am.  I am comfortable in my own skin, with all my gadgets and technology. I’m totally OK with being accompanied by an assistance dog, and I wear my hair up so that my cochlear implant and hearing aid are visible. However, I didn’t start out this way. At first, those triggers only caused me to isolate myself. I lived in a 24/7 pity party. I’m thankful for all I learned through HLAA and from a well-read Bible.  Both were necessary and influential in my life.

Change Can Lead to Discovery – Part 2

Some people look at me like I’ve lost my mind when I explain I’d never want to hear normally (or walk a straight line). I like who I am. As I have not always “liked me”, I’m glad I can say that I do now.  Change ultimately can bring a self-discovery of talents, skills, interests and passions that one never dreamed of before. With a little direction and “cheerleading” from those who have “been there”, change can be an easier transition for those learning to “ask those tough questions”.  Why me? How can I cope? How can I work? How can I communicate? How can I ever be happy again?

The biggest plus to having a disability, is that one usually discovers what is really important. The things that use to “stress” me no longer do. (Likely, I have new stresses!). Life’s big picture sort of SNAPS into place when you have a disability. Family, friends, community, communication become really important. (Don’t believe for a second that someone who is deaf with a communication disorder cannot communicate.  You simply aren’t listening!).

At times “getting there” is not an easy road. But the discovery of who I “am”, allows me to help others and make a difference in my own small corner of the world. Do you feel “change” coming? Don’t run from it. Stand still and let it happen. With the right attitude, support system, and even childlike faith, change can create very real and positive discoveries for YOU.

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal