Category: hearing assistance dogs

Community

Published on by hearingelmo4 Comments
I don't exactly blend into the background...

Recently Chloe and I were at our neighborhood grocery store. I rounded a corner and came face-to-face with a young boy approximately 6-years-old. His eyes grew wide as saucers and his mouth dropped open. Curious, I looked around quickly to make sure his astonishment was at my own appearance and not on someone in my vicinity. Since it was just Chloe and I… I surmised he was surprised at ME. He looked at Chloe carefully and read her vest. I could see his little mouth sounding out the words on her vest. I could “see the light bulb go on” for him about what Chloe does as her job. He took a step to the side and leaned so as to better see the side of my head. My smile let him know I was OK with that – I even turned my head so he could better see the cochlear implant. His answering smile seemed thrilled to understand as the result of his attentive perusal. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. So unprepared was I, my own mouth dropped open in surprise!

A lady who looked like she’d lost a 7-year-old boy came around the corner in a near trot. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked with relief on the boy and waved at him to “get over here“. He shook his head “no” and signed, “Look (towards me)! Cochlear Implant receive me, able dog own can/able? yes?” His mother practically interrupted his sign and shook her head NO.

She signed back, “Dog want – cochlear implant want not. Appear normal important!” She took him by the hand and drug him away to the cereal isle. I stood there for a few minutes digesting what I had over – erm – HEARD. Obviously, she didn’t realize I am fluent in ASL. I stood there … in all my NOT NORMAL glory… not fitting in… while Chloe sat and stared at a box of Uncle Ben’s rice that happened to be nose-level.

I was speechless! For those of you who know me – well that is a RARE THING – THAT! I finished my shopping in a near-daze.

Not Normal

I wear “bling” on my cochlear implant and have a bright, red ear mold on the hearing aid in the opposite ear. I have an assistance dog who alerts me to direction, sounds I miss, and helps me with balance related tasks. You can look at me and guess pretty quickly there isn’t a lot NORMAL about me. But that isn’t because I have a hearing loss and balance problems. Plenty of people wear cochlear implants or hearing aids. Plenty of people have balance problems. I believe my not being “normal looking” lies in the fact that I make sure my invisible disabilities – AREN’T. There are numerous reasons for that… likely best left for another post. It is in my best interest to be visible. It keeps me from getting injured – although it doesn’t guarantee that.

Not everyone with hearing loss chooses to be as visible with bionics or assistive listening devices and technology. Not everyone with Meniere’s disease is partnered with an assistance dog. Yet this works FOR ME. I’m happy, confident and independent. Isn’t that what every adult wants, after all? Sure – like everyone I have things I am dependent upon. My faith – the love of my family – connections with others. However, what I choose to use in order to live my life independent of the help of others is my desire. I’ve taken steps that I felt were necessary to ensure that independence.

A “Brag” on the Hearing Loss Crowd

Can I just brag for a minute? Do you know that I believe people with hearing loss tend to be more accepting and understanding about differences than any other group? I am MOST at home in a crowd of people who all have hearing loss yet are extremely different.

Some have assistance dogs

some “sport” various CI’s represented by all three manufacturers of cochlear implants

some have vision loss as well

some have hearing aids

some wear neck loops and are using assistive devices

some use sign language

some carry notebooks and READ and WRITE messages…

Yet I am at home among this group. I was reminded of how at home I feel after enjoying the numerous pictures taken by friends who were able to attend the recent Hearing Loss Association of America convention in Milwaukee. Everyone “fits in” at these conventions. It’s much like a family reunion. I don’t agree with everything HLAA does, nor do I believe they always seek to fulfill their original mission. But one thing HLAA does very well is – COMMUNITY. Through forums, live chats, national conventions, state conferences, local support groups, and the Walk4Hearing, HLAA provides community to an every-growing population of people living with hearing loss. Being a part of this community encourages people to do more than live with hearing loss. This community encourages LIVING WELL with hearing loss. I think we all want an abundant life!

William Mather Lewis: The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of obstacles removed from their path by others. It develops from within and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber.

Socrates: Living well and beautifully and justly are all one thing.

Latin proverb: While life lasts let us enjoy it.

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal



For Our Own Good

Published on by hearingelmo7 Comments
A dog with a cone that is not FREAKING OUT

Chloe was injured on May 9th and it has been a LONG road to recovery. She had surgery following the accident to save a toe, lost 4 toenails… and it has been “3 steps forward and 2 steps back” ever since! Our biggest problem was getting her to leave the surgical site alone. Chloe is very smart. Chloe has been trained by the best. Chloe attends Fidos For Freedom for follow-up training and polishing. But Chloe? Well… she’s still a DOG. We were given a very nice cone similar to the one in the picture above. The only problem was that Chloe would go BERSERK when I put it on her. During the day, I could simply keep an eye on her while I was working at my desk. However, at night I needed a little assistance. The CONE was suppose to be my assistance. Every time we put the “cone of shame” (a line from the animated movie UP!), she went crazy… running into walls, dashing her head around, and inevitably breaking open the cauterizations and stitches on her foot. We ended up having to use “Bitter Apple” instead.

This saved my life actually! I wasn’t getting a “wink” of sleep and was seriously near a nervous breakdown from fatigue. One of my daughter’s friends at work recommended “Bitter Apple”, and it only took a few sprays for Chloe to LEAVE her FOOT ALONE! All night! (Thank you GOD… quite literally!).

I think part of the cone’s drawback was that it wasn’t transparent. Chloe couldn’t see to the right or left… all she could see was what was directly in front of her. It made her panic – the NOT knowing what was around and about. She could hear our voices, but her world had suddenly become very small. It was only as big as what she could see out the end of the cone.

You can’t very well explain to a DOG why they need a cone on their head. If you could explain that… well GEE! You could probably reason with them about why they should leave a surgical site alone! We could not explain to Chloe that the cone was for her own good.

For OUR Own Good

Isn’t that just like us? How often do we fight against what is only there to protect us? Some things that come to mind:

1. The speed limit. It’s not there to challenge you to see if you’ll get caught speeding. It’s there to protect you and others.

2. Exercise and eating right. How many thousands of Americans re-commit each January to make this change? It’s not because getting sweaty, pumping “iron” and eating fruits and vegetables are a lot of FUN. But we’ll live longer… and probably feel better too.

3. The 10 Commandments. Yeah, I know… it’s OLD TESTAMENT. But aren’t these things we should all continue to strive for even as “New Testament” believers? If you are a person of faith it normally means there is something different about you. If you covet, steal, murder, and hate, it is YOU who is scarred and broken in the end. Those “commandments” are for your good.

4. Taking medicine. Blech. But if you are sick, do you not take medicine when it may be what stands between you and good health… or life?

All 3 dogs were very concerned about my donning the "Cone of Shame"

I tried on the “Cone of Shame”. (Does that make me “game” or nutty?) The dogs were very concerned as you can see. All 3 sat in front of me and Chloe whined and breathed hard in my face every time I turned her way. It was very disconcerting to not be able to see around.

I believe that a “cone” is a good representation of how difficult it is to put your faith and trust in something or Someone that you can’t see. I have never seen God, yet He’s as real to me as anything I have ever experienced. I see Him in His creation. I see Him in the service and love of others. I see Him in answered prayer… even when He says “no”. Yet, I’ll admit to a major frustration in my faith walk. It is really hard not knowing what tomorrow may bring.

It can be very disconcerting to have a disability that may be progressive. It can be frightening to have an invisible disease like fibromyalgia, Meniere’s disease, or hearing loss. Have you ever been told “you’ll only get worse”? That knowledge can make it really difficult to have dreams and hope to see beyond “today”. We have to trust that what we have access too is enough for now. We should reach out to others and form strong relationships. We should research, prepare and educate ourselves. We don’t have to run around in a panic with this “cone” we didn’t ask for! Can you calmly and in faith, believe the “cone” is for your own good?

I have a “short-term” goal and a “long-term goal”. I strive hard to make every minute in pursuing both worthwhile. I know God has a plan for me that is not fulfilled as of yet. I know this because I am still here. It can be very frustrating sitting around with a “cone on my head and heart” — not able to see the big picture that God has access to  — since He PAINTED IT. I know keeping my eye on the short-term goals are important. It’s good for me. It keeps me focused, on track, and “real”. Yet I really want to be able to see 360°. I realize GOD can see the big picture… that’s what “omniscient” means… all knowing. I have to have FAITH that what I’m allowed to see and make sense of RIGHT NOW is enough. Having that “cone” on is for my own good.

It may not be very comfortable, but we have to believe that God has our best in mind.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

At some point… I’m going to see beyond the cone.

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Divine Deposits

Published on by hearingelmo2 Comments

~ All the blessings we enjoy are Divine deposits, committed to our trust on this condition, that they should be dispensed for the benefit of our neighbors ~  John Calvin

My young adult children enjoy going to the bank with numerous paychecks and depositing their money into both savings and checking accounts. I envy them sometimes, for my husband and I certainly cannot wait to deposit numerous checks. Instead we worry about looming car repair bills, vet expenses and other various “unexpectedness” that ensures every paycheck is automatically credited to our account.

This week I have been thinking about “divine deposits”, perhaps because I’m feeling DIRT POOR but more likely because I’ve experienced what it means to have someone deposit part of themselves into my life. No matter how hard things are in my life, I can always “count my blessings”. I’ve experienced financial crisis, loneliness, loss, fear, disability, heart break and depression; yet, I’ve never been completely bereft of blessings.

An old hymn once sung with some frequency before churches switched to more contemporary worship music, is entitled “Count Your Blessings” and written by Johnson Oatman, Jr. The first verse:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Bing Crosby use to sing a song entitled, “Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep”. The first verse, crooned by this music legend, is:

When I’m worried and I can’t sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I’m certainly a believer in considering the “good” and recognizing the power of blessings perceived. However, I believe John Calvin best described the REASON for our blessings. Blessings aren’t actually blessings unless we turn around and do something with them. If we simply receive a blessing and let it “sit in our soul bank”, the value of that deposit plummets.

So HOW Do I Bless Others?

Oh sure! Some people use anonymous gifts of money to be a blessing to someone else. However, I believe that blessings are rarely monetary. The cash value of blessings may be low, but the eternal value is considered priceless!

I recently stood in the hospital room of a dear lady dying of cancer. She could no longer speak because of the difficulty in breathing. Yet even in her pain-wracked body, you could see the yearning in her eyes to “give back” to those visiting her crowded hospital room. Each person who entered was greeted with a small smile, warm pat on the hand and dazzled by the twinkle in the eyes of this “walking blessing”.

I know of people who have adjusted to a life-changing, unexpected hearing loss, who cheerfully participate in the Walk4Hearing so that others can benefit from the local and national support of the Hearing Loss Association. Cochlear implant recipients often become mentors to others who are thinking about being surgically implanted with these bionics, or are new to “hearing again”. An investment is made in the life of someone else… an investment of time, advice, friendship, and understanding.

The trainers at Fidos For Freedom are volunteers. Countless hours of dedicated training and expertise are poured into every match of client and canine. The trainers are not paid for their work… at least not on THIS side of Heaven. I believe these compassionate trainers do what they do because someone else invested in them… they are simply “paying it forward”.

Who Are Your “Neighbors”?

“All the blessings we enjoy are Divine deposits, committed to our trust on this condition, that they should be dispensed for the benefit our our neighbors.”

Sure, the neighbor that benefits from your own “dispensed blessings” may be someone who actually lives nearby. Yet a ‘neighbor’ is often someone you have never met. It is possible to even be a blessing without being consciously AWARE. This is the result of living a life in such a HABIT of kindness, that blessings just ooze from your pores and influence complete strangers!

“Pay it forward”. To whom, you may ask? Anyone you can! I’ll leave you with one of my favorite commercials:

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Have a Great Imagination?

Published on by hearingelmo11 Comments
Chloe and Denise at an old Rock Quarry April 2010

So do you have a great imagination? Unfortunately, I did not have my camera when the incident occurred that I’m about to explain. Even had I located a camera at the time, I certainly would not have had time to “snap” pictures! (You’ll understand in a moment).

So allow me to try to explain with words what happened at work yesterday. Perhaps it is just “one of those things” that happens to people with assistance dogs. This had never happened to me, however, and so I was totally taken by surprise!

I tread carefully in the tellin’ for it took place in the bathroom of all places! Ever wonder what a person with an assistance dog does when they have to go to the bathroom? It’s not like you can hitch your dog up at the post while you go in and “do your business”. You do not want your assistance dog sitting or laying on the floor. I mean… we are in the BATHROOM, folks! A “stand” and “stay” is the perfect obedience command for this environment.

If the handicapped stall is free, I always head for that one. The extra space is nice when accompanied by a furry partner. Sometimes the handicapped stall is NOT free, so then we have to make do with the smaller area. Yesterday the handicapped stall was free, however, so Chloe and I went into that space.

I put Chloe in a “stand” and “stay” first. She rarely moves, however she will sometimes duck her head to peek into the next stall. I try to watch for this because honestly? What would you do if a furry, friendly head looked under to say “boo”? (I’ve heard screeches and even SPLASHES before… so yeah. I try to keep her from doing this!)

Now yesterday was a sunny day. For those readers who may not know me very well, for ME this means that my balance was pretty good. My Meniere’s disease is at its worst when it is rainy outside. Mine seems to be triggered by the weather. So on a sunny day, I … like most grown women… have the ability to erm… HOVER. It’s very handy. (Men just have it made in this regard, don’t they?) On rainy days I have to make sure I can locate a seat protector, or take the time to lay toilet paper down to cover the seat. On sunny days, I can get right down to business and out of there fairly quickly.

My restroom “OH MY GOSH I’LL HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT THIS” escapade was one of the last things I accomplished at school yesterday. I already had my car packed up, and only took my keys and Chloe to the restroom. Because it was sunny, I was able to HOVER, but I needed to be able to put my keys somewhere. They have a long purple strap on them so that Chloe can pick them up easier on my “bad days” should I drop them. I put the purple strap in my TEETH, hovered … and took care of business in 10 seconds.

Without going into a lot of detail about what happens immediately following the “hover” (use your imagination), I still had my keys in my teeth. Chloe was still in a dutiful “stand” and “stay”. Remember that this was a “good balance day”? I never flush the toilet with my hands on a day I can stand on one foot and accomplish the task with my other foot. It’s the germs ya know? So I did a “karate kid” immitation, and used my left foot to flush the commode.

Chloe decided to side step out of the way. (She’s seen this WEEBLE wobble and FALL DOWN so many times, she evidently wanted to make sure she had space to move if needed). I saw her out of the corner of my eye getting ready to move, so I said, “Ach… wrong”.

Funny thing about holding something in your teeth and deciding to talk at the same time? Yeah. The natural law of gravity will never let a person down. My keys tumbled and bounced off my extended “flushing” knee and right into the toilet!

I screeched. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t quietly.

Chloe retrieves objects that I drop in what the trainers call an “automatic retrieve” for partners with hearing loss. So she scooted around me and looked down into the disappearing water in the commode at my keys in the bottom of the bowl.

I screeched. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t quietly. (This isn’t a typo… it simply happened twice).

I was scrambling… what to DO? I didn’t TRAIN FOR THIS. Chloe put her paws up on the toilet seat to better lean down into the bowl so I reached for my treat bag, and my hand connected to my clicker. Now… I was running on adrenaline at this point. When my hand came into contact with the training clicker, I did an automatic “click”. (Erin would be so proud…) So now Chloe thinks that what she is doing is what she is SUPPOSE TO BE DOING! I clicked … which indicates to HER… “YUP, you got it right”! She now has her head down in the toilet bowl and is bobbing for apples my keys.

I screeched. I’m pretty sure is wasn’t quietly. (yeah… you get the picture!)

I pushed her wagging body out of the way and quickly reached in to pluck my keys from the toilet bowl. It now had completely filled back up with water. Chloe stood there expectantly … eyes on the keys… waiting for me to drop them again. Cuz, ya know? This was a TERRIFIC GAME!

There I stood in the bathroom of Chieftain Institute on the campus of Gaithersburg Church of the Nazarene with dripping keys in one hand, while looking into the dripping face of my assistance dog. I had two choices. I could laugh – or cry. So I…

screeched… I’m pretty sure is wasn’t quietly. (There was a 3rd choice).

I exited the stall with as much grace as I could muster. I washed my hands well, and my keys. I tried to avoid getting soap and water in the electronic key to my car, but honestly? Did it matter at this point?

I walked forlornly to my car with a very happy assistance dog in heel, my head bowed in defeat. As I neared my car I tried to unlock my car with the very wet key… which of course didn’t work. I went around to the driver’s side of the car and looked for the “unlock” key hole which I had NEVER HAD TO USE BEFORE. After loading Chloe up and getting her settled, I climbed into the car and adjusted my mirrors. I caught sight of Chloe’s wet head and finally saw the funny. (You really DO have to laugh to keep from crying sometimes!)

When I pulled into my driveway about 45 minutes later, the first thing I did was use a hair dryer on my key. (Yes… no worries! Chloe got a bath too!) Would you believe the key is working this morning? It will lock and unlock my car just as if I hadn’t given it a “swirly”! I DID have to give it a new attachment though! I carefully washed my other keys and rings, and used a macrame stitch to create a new “bob” for Chloe to be able to pick up.

On the bright side of things, at least it matches Chloe’s vest now!

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Acclimation

Published on by hearingelmo4 Comments

I talked to my mother on the phone yesterday and she and Dad had a big project in which to look forward to for today. They have a beautiful lanai in the back which includes a very nice fish pond and miniature waterfall. In spite of a pump and filters, the pond does need cleaned once in awhile. Evidently, the time had arrived. The Koi have to be erm… “fished out” and placed in big 5-gallon buckets. Then the pond is drained. Next, the rocks and pond are scrubbed and washed with a high-pressure hose. It takes time, and I imagine it’s a messy job. I also imagine one gets a little wet – at least I would.

I called Mom again around 3 PM today. She was pretty bummed. It seems that when putting the fish back into the now clean pond, they didn’t provide enough time for them to acclimate to the temperature change. At the time I talked to her only 4 were still alive, and she lost some of her “big ones”.

Use to the Scum

I suppose my parents could have chosen not to clean their pond. But it evidently gets bad enough you can’t see the bottom. They have a proliferation of live plants and lily pads, but all of these natural AND man-made filters can’t undo the fact that the pond does not have a constant source of fresh water being piped in like mother nature provides. The Koi do not seem to care that the water gets to where they cannot even be seen swimming around. They grow accustomed to all the scum.

Aren’t we that way sometimes? I remember when I first got married, my husband and I did not go to a movie if there was harsh language, sex and nudity, or “adult themes”. We now use a service from “Screen It” . Before going to a movie, we literally screen it. Screen It tells you how many cuss words are in a movie and what they are. It tells you if the movie has any nudity in it, or adult themes. As a matter of fact, it will actually give the entire movie away if you read the whole review – grin! But we have used it a great deal because I just have trouble sitting through movies that are one curse word after another. I don’t care who plays in it or how highly acclaimed it is. But you know something? We make a choice that our movies have to have “less than 10 curse words” in them, and certain curse words are “worse than others” in our thinking. But are they? Aren’t curse words, curse words? And who decides how many is too many? It’s a slippery slope, let me tell you! It takes a lot of dedication and determination to stay true to what we’ve determined we’ll pay money to see for entertainment. I can’t help but feel as if we are agreeing that “a little scum” is OK though.

I heard a young lady recently say that someone they work with let them borrow a book to read. The owner of the book said, “There are no curse words, and it’s clean… you’ll like it!” This young lady was astonished at not only the language in the books, but there were sex scenes. She wondered out loud how that could be? I hypothesized that perhaps the other woman had grown accustomed to the language and written scenes where they didn’t have an impact on her anymore. She didn’t recognize the “scum”.

The SHOCK Killed Them

I’m a bit of a homebody. (I cringe knowing how my family would groan about that). OK, OK… I’m a HOMEBODY. However, my personality is pretty outgoing. I do like talking to people and interacting with them. However, after I lost my hearing and developed a balance disorder, I pretty much began staying at home. Even though I hear voices very well now (in most environments), I still haven’t reverted back to my (literal) outgoing self.

I’m going to a lady’s home this Wednesday for lunch. She leads a Bible study for women in my church. I use to lead Bible studies; in fact, I was one of the main leaders and went from one study to another ten years ago. I use to go shopping and hang out with friends quite a bit too. Now… not so much.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m HAPPY. But I didn’t start out this way. The more silent my world became, the more silent I became as well. I quit everything that required I interact with people. I intentionally isolated myself. It took some time. It was a slow process – I didn’t wake up one morning having become a hermit. So now that I am hearing again with my cochlear implant, and have some of my independence back thanks to Chloe, it has taken some time to make a gradual adjustment to “getting out there” again.

My parents should have kept their Koi in a 5-gallon bucket a while longer. They may have still died… Koi can be very sensitive to change. People can be too – especially people with acquired disabilities I think. Making adjustments in our lives can take time. For one thing… learning to trust can be hard. Learning to believe in yourself again can be even harder.

I have a friend with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. She is a self-isolated individual. It happened very slowly over time. It became harder and harder to explain her disease to other people. She had more “bad days” than “good days”. Constantly having to cancel plans eventually led her to not make any plans. When you look at her she LOOKS FINE. Try explaining that you are NOT. I feel for her. I know what it is like to have an invisible disability. (Still another reason I sport CI “bling” and decided to be partnered with a canine. Nothing says, “something is DIFFERENT” than going everywhere with a working dog!) She is now trying to reach out again, but she is taking it very slowly. After all, it can be “two steps forward and three steps back” many times. I think taking it slowly is a good idea. Acclimation TAKES time, after all.

Do you know someone with an invisible disability? Do you know someone who has a disease that exhibits “silent symptoms”? Perhaps they have isolated themselves and are convinced they are a homebody by CHOICE. They may seem happy. I’m not saying go BUG the heck out of someone who has opted to avoid being in public as much as they can. But I think it is also OK to reach out. Maybe bring lunch to THEM. Working in your garden? Pick some tomatoes or flowers and take them to this person. Email them occasionally. Offer to take them shoe shopping. Who says no to that? (GRIN) Just be aware it may take them some time to re-acclimate themselves to being out more, or having a friend over.

One reason I love the Internet and love to blog? I have “met” an awful lot of people just like me. Some I call “friend” too… for we’ve gotten to know one another and have learned to share our life’s story. We’ve connected. Things like Facebook can do that too, or joining online support groups. I’ve heard some people say, “yeah but those aren’t REAL people”. Excuse me? Behind that keyboard is the mom of a child with hearing loss – and she homeschools too just like I did! Behind another keyboard is a lady who lives with invisible disabilities who is training her own service dog in a big lovable Great Dane. The person who clicks that mouse has MS and has a wonderful service dog who gives her some independence. Numerous “point and click” folks out there have cochlear implants and love to talk about them too! These are real people; our connection is real.

If you know of someone who seems isolated (whether self-imposed or not), encourage them to get a good computer with reliable Internet service. You’d be surprised at the amount of support they can find out there… the connections… the friendships!

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Insecure Foundation?

Published on by hearingelmo3 Comments
Kyersten and Chloe at the "Candle Barn" in Bird-in-Hand, PA

Spring Break! My entire family was on “Spring Break” last week with the exception of ME. As this was Kyersten’s last Spring at home for awhile she was determined to do something “fun” everyday. Friday, she and her daddy had planned to go to Lancaster County. Since I DID have Friday off, I invited myself along.

Two of our favorite places to go in Lancaster County are Bird-in-Hand, PA and Intercourse, PA. (At the latter, my daughter always tries to talk me into a t-shirt that says, “I love INTERCOURSE!” Let me think for a moment. Umm. NO!!)

We enjoy walking around the shops, and my husband was thrilled because on Fridays the Farmer’s market is open as well! Next to and ABOVE the area where the main Farmer’s market is located, are some neat local shops and antiques. Chloe and I found a rickety, old staircase to the top floor and carefully made our way UP.

When we made it to the top, I noticed that Chloe was lagging (walking behind what is a proper heel) which is something she just NEVER does. Her problem is “forging ahead” on a normal day! So I looked back to remind her to heel and noticed something. Her legs were shaking so badly, I could see the hair on her legs and stomach trembling. (What in the world?) Something had her spooked, but I couldn’t tell what it was. I patted her on the head, and asked her to heel again. As soon as I took a step I knew what had her rattled. (Now that I was paying attention… that helps! GRIN) The old, creaky, wooden floors had a lot of “give” and groaned and moved under our weight. I’m sure she could hear it AND feel it! I thought for a second and then decided to stand next to her and shuffle around, tap dance and “hop” standing next to her. At first she dropped like she’d been shot and lay trembling on the ground. I kept talking to her softly and continued to erm… ACT LIKE AN IDIOT. I’m sure anyone downstairs probably thought the world was coming to an end! Five minutes and 150 calories later, Chloe sat up and watched me with a tentative tail flop. Ten minutes more, with a more normal volume and another 150 calories burned, I found her standing next to me with tail wagging like crazy – simply thrilled that  I was inviting her to dance.

Chloe was afraid. The foundation beneath her had to much “give” and groaned and complained at our movement and weight. She wanted to STAY PUT. It took a more confident friend to convince her that all was OK.

Feeling Insecure?

At some point you are going to be either the trembling pup, hugging the floor with nails dug in and eyes wide as saucers, or you will the confident friend who gently persuades you to “get on livin’ it”.

I can’t think of a time when I felt more unnerved than when I felt as if my very foundation was wobbly. You count on your foundation to “HOLD”. It is from a solid foundation that one can build and grow. What do you do when your very foundation is creaking and groaning? How do you “shore up”?

I’ve not made it a secret that I am a person of faith. I believe that God created everything and remains very “HANDS ON” with His creation. I believe that we BLEW IT. Because we are all sinners and in need of a Savior, God sent His one and only Son. Jesus died for you whether you wanted Him to or not! Salvation only comes through believing and accepting that free gift. Any other foundation is going to fail you.

People screw up. They are going to disappoint you.

Careers are temporary. Someone younger, smarter, better looking, and who will work for LESS is going to come along.

Community service is great! Volunteering and making a difference in the life of someone else proves you are someone who LIVES what they BELIEVE. But you aren’t going to be recognized each and every time. “Man” or “Woman of the Year” is only a plaque that gathers dust.

You may be healthy. Yet that can all change in a day. Disabilities, disease, and suffering are something all of us will experience is one form or another.

Life can be very hard. Life can also be very… VERY good. But what happens to YOU when life is hard? What does your foundation feel like? Will it hold?

When I am FLAT ON THE FLOOR terrified to continue, I often turn to prayer and scripture reading. Sometimes God sends along a friend who will tap dance, hop and gently persuade me that all will be OK. Perhaps they’ve lived the same thing and came out … better.

You know? Chloe left that upstairs shop a different assistance dog. She was confident about that next step we were going to take. (Denise danced and hopped and didn’t fall through the floor!) We made our way back to the Farmer’s market to find something yummy to eat. I’d burned 300 calories ya know…

Scared to go on? Perhaps you need to rest awhile. Rejuvenate. Maybe you need to do some introspective reflection. Does your foundation need some repair?

Found someone hugging the floor? Don’t preach at them. Don’t ignore them either. Pray for them. Let them know you are there. Share your story. Tap dance.

After all, the Amish are outstanding carpenters. That floor is going to hold.

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

The Me I Want to Be

Published on by hearingelmo5 Comments

Here lately I’ve been living my life like… well? Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve had insomnia, which is something I have very little experience with actually. Having a hearing loss and Meniere’s disease usually means that when I go to bed at night I have reached my “EXHAUSTED” mode. I take my cochlear implant off, brush my teeth, climb into bed and am normally asleep within ten minutes!

For the past month, however, I have not only had difficulty going to sleep, but I’ve had trouble STAYING asleep. There is far too much going through my mind, and I’ll just be honest with you… I’m worrying.

Now I hear others say from time to time that worrying is sin. I actually don’t hold to that. I don’t think it is a sin to worry, because we are all prone to do so. What is wrong is when we let that worry wreck our lives, or sidetrack us from why we are here. I don’t believe worry is sin unless we allow it to produce something negative in us. Worrying has to change to BELIEVING.

I’m in this period of life I like to think of as “pre-EMPTY NEST“. My daughter heads to Liberty University this fall as a transfer student. My son is graduating from high school this coming June. For the first time… I HAVE time. My kids are young adults and I certainly realize that there will be times when they still need MOM. Heck! I’m 43-years-old and there are times I still need MY mom! But for the first time, my short term goals don’t include doing anything on behalf of one of my kids. What were once my long-term goals, are now my short-term goals and I’m having to re-focus and make decisions about what I want to do … when I grow up. Cuz it’s here now…

I think part of the reason I have allowed “worry” to produce such a negative effect, is because I never thought I’d be who I am. Two decades ago I first began to think about    “someday”. I never thought I’d hear and communicate only because of the miracle of a cochlear implant. Being a “bionic woman” was not part of the plan, you see… and yet

here I am.

I never envisioned that when weather systems moved into the area I would have trouble walking. I never thought I’d have an assistance dog to help me find the direction of sounds and alert me to sounds I still don’t hear well. It wasn’t in “the plan” to have to ask my dog to pick up things that I drop.

Don’t get me wrong! I have a very positive self-image and like who I am

who I have become.

But I’d be lying if I said that this was what I imagined. I’m a 43-year-old woman with a couple of disabilities. I didn’t plan for it to be this way. There was a “me I want to be“. So I’ve been laying in bed at night worrying…

Should I go on to get my doctorate?

Will I be able to do what I want to do even though I have a hearing loss?

Will others believe in me and see my abilities, or be sidetracked by the disabilities?

Am I even capable of doing what I dream of doing, or should I change my dreams?

When Worry Becomes SIN

So it doesn’t take a “rocket scientist” to figure out that this period of worrying for ME… has turned into sin. I’m not sleeping. I’m tossing and turning and fretting. So yeah! The worrying hasn’t produced anything positive nor been the impetus for a purposeful change. Instead I’ve been miserable

and tired.

Have you ever been afraid to dream for fear that God would say “no”? Maybe you don’t even want to voice what your goals and dreams are to Him because you are pretty sure He’ll say, “Nope! That isn’t My plan for you!”

I believe that God gifts us and equips us to reach our goals. I think our dreams are simply little seeds that we are born with that grow as the result of our utilizing our God-given skills, talents, and strengths. In each of us there is the potential to realize our dreams. Excessive worrying can side-track us from taking those steps towards our dreams.

I’ve also decided to quit silently worrying and just go public with what I hope for! How else are others able to pray for me, and encourage me? For quite awhile I’ve been afraid to voice what my dreams are for fear of people rolling their eyes. I know it isn’t going to be easy. I also know that it will take time to get there. The “me I want to be” is the me God has equipped me to be after all! Sure… sometimes we make poor choices and the “getting there” may end up being a more indirect route. Or perhaps “life happens” and you end up with a life-changing, daily challenge in your life. It doesn’t make your dreams unattainable.

So… pray for me if God brings me to mind, won’t you? This working towards “the me I want to be” is scary sometimes. I’ll promise to pray for you too… just shoot me an email and let me know how I may do that on your behalf!  denise.portis@gmail.com

My dreams (now public knowledge)…

I want to teach MORE than I am now, and would like to teach in a community college.

I want to write a book.

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

P.S. An incredible book I am enjoying… “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg. Click the book to find out more!


A Little TOO Helpful!

Published on by hearingelmo2 Comments

Chloe and I can be found in Wal-mart on most Tuesday mornings. A friend from my home church in North Carolina (thanks Kim!) told me that the best time to go to Wal-mart was on Tuesday mornings. As I rarely stand in line to wait AT ALL, and as the aisles are usually clear of shoppers, she was exactly right. I save a lot of money at Wal-mart, so it is worth my while to even get my groceries there as one of the two Wal-marts in Frederick is a “super” Wal-mart.

This morning the weather was gorgeous! Not a cloud in sight, so I didn’t even bother bringing my cane. Not only was I not wobbly today, but I had a spring in my step! (Well… a spring for ME!) We hadn’t been shopping very long when we approached an elderly lady pushing her cart and shopping. She asked me if she could help me find something.

I took a good look at her and noted that she wasn’t a Wal-mart employee.

“Erm… No thank you!” I replied. “I’m finding everything I need”.

“What do you need dear, let me help you!” she insisted.

She even turned her cart around so that she was now headed in the SAME direction as I was. I stammered, “Well … umm… I’m looking for golden raisens. They come in a big yellow box”. She spotted them for me and placed them in my cart.

“What else do you need, dear?” she asked nicely but firmly.

“Really, I’m fine. I appreciate your help,” I said a little nervous now. I moved on down the aisle and the little lady stayed right beside me with her own cart.

I’m really not a DUMB person, but it took me until the third aisle of us shopping side-by-side that I finally realized something. She had just handed my list back to me after noting something I needed and bringing it to where I was. She thought I had vision difficulties! I quickly put together that having Chloe by my side meant she thought that Chloe was my seeing eye dog!

Now hiding a big smile, I finally tapped her and said, “Ma’am? I’m not blind. I have a hearing loss! I’m a late-deafened adult and this is my hearing assistance/balance assist dog”, I said as I pointed to Chloe’s vest.

She paused a moment, read the vest more carefully, and then looked at me with a big beaming smile and said, “Oh! I can’t hear either!”

Too helpful?

This little lady certainly didn’t mean to be a “pain”, but I had tried to explain that I didn’t need her help a couple of times. Without being almost rude… I didn’t know how to get rid of her!

She really DID mean well. She was trying to help. She thought I was a young woman (compared to HER) who couldn’t see well and was trying to shop on my own. She was being helpful. It wasn’t until I realized what she thought my limitations were, that I was able to explain exactly what I could and could NOT do.

Many times a person with a disability may feel frustration building up inside because of how HELPFUL everyone is! It is important to find out exactly what it is that a person with a disability may need from you – if anything. I attend Fidos For Freedom a couple of times a month with Chloe for training. I work side-by-side with people who have many different kinds of disabilities. Everyone is different. Even those of us with hearing loss vary in how our disability impacts our lives. I am more likely to need you to offer me a steady hand when getting up off the floor, than I am for you to repeat something that I missed. Our training floor is looped, and I hear really well in spite of the huge training floor. Other hard-of-hearing people or late-deafened people may not hear as well as I do, but are more steady on their feet. Chloe actually helps me with balance-related tasks almost as much as she helps me with sounds I cannot hear or “place directionally”.

Some of the clients use walkers, wheelchairs, or power scooters. Some have canes that they use all the time – not part-time like I do! Yet, each of them have varying degrees of ability. After being matched at Fidos For Freedom, the trainers work hard to have YOUR dog learn specific tasks that will help YOU. So I have learned to not “help” unless I have already established a relationship with someone and I know exactly how I might best help them.

One thing I have learned about people with disabilities… they don’t want to be treated like they are disabled. They usually try to maximize their ABILITIES so that they can live a good life in spite of a disability.

How Can I Help?

Having two young adult kids is another good reason to learn to ASK how one might help. Try not to assume what someone else needs. Simply ask. If they want or need your help, they are given the chance to take control of their own needs by requesting specific help for specific tasks. My son? Yeah, he’ll let me do his laundry until he leaves home. Because I LOVE doing laundry (I realize I’m strange), I don’t mind doing this. However, I have learned to ASK if one of my kids needs my assistance. Because I respect them and have shown them that I trust them to let me know if they need something, they have learned to ask for help when they need it.

We should take care about not being to prideful to ask for assistance when needed too. That can be harder for some than others!

What type of things do people try to help you with even though you may not need it?

What types of things do you have trouble ASKING for help with doing?

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Try Something New

Published on by hearingelmo2 Comments
An Elmo Application for the iPod

My husband called me into his office last night and checked out the “side of my head” to see if I still had my cochlear implant and hearing aid on to hear. I kind of grin to myself when he does this, for after all… I’d not hear him call me into his office if I didn’t have my cochlear implant on my head!

He said, “Can you put headphones on over your implant and hear?”

I looked to see what headphones he was talking about and noted that it was his nice “noise canceling” headphones and not the ear buds. “I’m sure I can,” I responded, “but I’ve not tried!”

Now I’m likely one of the few Americans that does not own an iPod. I also do not have an MP3 player (although I think those aren’t as popular now!). It may have something to do with the fact that I have a hearing loss. Prior to the cochlear implant, I had become accustomed to living without music. (Kinda of sad if you think about it…) My CI has some fancy attachments that I can use so that I can actually use an iPod if I want. However, usually I sit at my computer and listen to iTunes. I make a special time to do that, and enjoy the music better if I’m not busy doing something else that requires my concentration.

My husband has an iPod touch. He is a very techie/gadget kind of guy. I’ve heard him dreaming out loud in his sleep about the new iPad. (I’m fibbing of course… I’m deaf at night!). He held out the headphones to me and motioned for me to put them on my head.

I adjusted them to where I could comfortably place them over the processor (the headphones were HUGE and covered my entire ear!). He handed me his iPod touch. I stared at him blankly. “Ummm. I haven’t a clue as to what to do you know!” I grimaced. (Hubby and I are blissfully married because ‘opposites attract’ as I do not have any techie/gadget cells in my body).

He motioned with his finger, and showed me how to “touch” the screen. My breath caught in my throat as Elmo trotted onto the screen. As only Elmo can, he described how I could make my own monster friend. I listened to the instructions, and made my very own monster with Elmo’s help (see above). Elmo showed me how to make my monster friend dance, exercise, and more. My eyes were wide and my grin infectious… I thought.

One look at hubby and I could tell he was afraid he’d never see his iPod touch again. “No worries, honey!” I explained. “I don’t want your iPod!”

Trying not to look obviously relieved, he motioned for me to remove the headphones. “I can buy you one, you know!”

“Naw! This is a cute application, but I’ll stick to what I know best. Thanks for sharing that!” I replied.

At Least Try

Now I might fall in love with the iPod, if I sat and used it for a longer period of time. I tried it and it worked well for me. However, I really like my iTunes! In spite of how cute that Elmo application was, I wasn’t ready to invest my money on something I may not use much. I am happy with what I have. What if I told my family members (desperately looking for birthday gift ideas) that I did not want an iPod even though I had never tried one? My tone and words might convince them I was serious, but how believable am I if I’ve never tried it?

I remember when my kids were little how difficult it was to get them to try new foods. They weren’t allowed to wrinkle their noses and say “no thank you” to something they’d never tried before! I encouraged them to always “at least try” new foods.

Sometimes we don’t try new things because we are afraid we’ll fail. I could have taken one look at the iPod laying in one of my husband’s hands, and the headphones in the other and said, “Ermm… no thank you dear!” How would I have ever known if I could use the headphones that way? I would have missed seeing Elmo dance across a screen. I would have missed the opportunity to prove to myself that the tiny, slim, techno-intimidating iPod wouldn’t blow up if I touched the screen wrong. I had to at least try!

Trying Something New

Why don’t people like trying new things? Hopefully, I have modeled good behavior for my kids that they should be willing to try new things before deciding on a different route. Obviously I’m not talking about drugs, alcohol, sex or other self-destructive behaviors! I sat down and tried to come up with a list of why people do not like trying something new:

1. Fear of failure. What if I blow it? What if I am not able to complete an 8 km race? What if I don’t reach my weight goal?

2. Old habits. I’ve always done it this way. Why should I try something new? The way I do things now work well for me. There is no reason to start something new.

3. It might cost me. I don’t have the time or money to start something new. What if I have to give up something else in order to do this “new thing”. I enjoy reading books, and that 1/2 hour walk will eat into my “me time”!

What are other reasons we may not try something new? I’ll never forget the first time my assistance dog was asked to do something new that she did not want to do AT ALL. You can read about it here. It took a lot of encouragement from people she trusted for Chloe to descend that staircase at Harper’s Ferry. The staircase seemed to lead “no where”. Does having a group of cheerleaders help you when you are trying to muster the courage to do something new? Maybe you don’t do well with a whole PEP SQUAD behind you, cheering you on! But the quiet encouragement from a trusted friend or two has shown to help you step out in faith – to try something new?

Trying new things is good for us. It gave my assistance dog new-found confidence and strengthened our bond. When I try new things I feel as if I’m exercising my mind and body. I’m growing.

Why should we be willing to try new things?

1. We may find a better way to do something! The “new way” may save time and money!

2. We may discover a new skill or exercise a talent in a new way.

3. We may meet some really incredible people!

4. We may find ways to minister/serve others in our “new hobby”.

5. You may come to the conclusion that the “old way” works just fine! (I really am perfectly happy with iTunes on my computer!)

Being willing to try new things also helps us to learn to put a little faith in others, which for some can be a difficult thing to do! Trying new things may also force us to have faith in what God has for us too! Some folks have an easier time trusting others than they do God. This should not ever be the case. (But I’ll leave that topic for another post!)

What have you tried “new” lately?

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

“Hearing Again” Woman #7

Published on by hearingelmo1 Comment

FOR TODAY… February 26, 2010

Outside my window…

Oh my! The wind is really strong today! The trees and bushes are whipping about as if in a dance competition. Right now, the bushes are winning hands down.

About 70% of the snow has melted off. Our once spectacular drifts are now mere 2-3 foot pitiful, sloshy, masses of dirty snow. I hate it when all the beautiful “white stuff” no longer IS.

Lots of traffic in the cul-de-sac this morning. Why? It’s a cul-de-sac, not a through street!

I am thinking…

About my little sister and her family. It’s so tough being unemployed. We were there only two short years ago. Other than a health crisis, I’m not sure anything is more stressful on what is normally a solid family unit.

I am hearing…

… the result of all that wind. The trees may be dancing a merry jig in an attempt at “one-upping” the bushes, but the noise they are making sound like bees. Yeah, I know strange. But in trying to discover a way to describe the sound I’m hearing, I can only come up with the very angry noise of bees.

I am thankful for…

… the fact we don’t have a lot of bees around here. I’m allergic. Those epi-pen shots and subsequent ER visit are never very much fun. I think it’s a RIOT how these prompting questions sometimes get me off on a tangent!

Seriously, today I am extra thankful for steady employment for hubby. He pays our bills (barely), and it is steady enjoyable work for him.

I am wearing…

A tan sweatsuit, tennis shoes and a cream-colored turtleneck underneath. It’s cold! I’m also wearing glasses, which for me is WEIRD. I have very itchy eyes, and opted to do without the contacts today. I think the itchy eyes are from the increased usage of our furnace making the air extremely dry. My skin is dry as well… where did I put that Neutrogena Skin care cream?

A Cochlear Implant…

… is wonderful when you want to hear the evidence of what your eyes see in that WIND.

I am remembering…

… the fact that 4 years and 9 months ago, I couldn’t hear the sounds coming from things my eyes could see. Not blowing, dancing trees and bushes, nor people’s words coming from their mouths, the clickity-click of my keyboard, the whir of the ceiling fan overhead… and so much more!

I am going…

… to Fidos For Freedom tomorrow and bonus – – Kyersten is off so she can come with me! I really enjoy these trips to and from the training center. She loves helping out there and working “spare dogs”, and it is something I am glad to share with her. She’ll be gone this fall, and I’ll certainly miss this one-on-one time with her. Sniff.

I need to…

Fold a load of towels, remind my son to vacuum, and finish a research paper for my class.

A disability is NOT…

… always easy. Case in point, my Meniere’s disease/rainy weather caught me by surprise this week. After a couple of unexpected falls and resulting bruises, I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for 5 minutes. I set the timer, wailed, Chloe let me know when the timer went off, wiped my tears and blew my nose… and GOT ON WITH LIFE. Poor Chloe isn’t sure what to do when an alert is suppose to happen but I’m wailing into my pillow. Her normal, eager bump/kisses are a tentative tap with a paw. I look up and she wags her tail cautiously. Poor thing isn’t use to my pity parties even after being with me as long as she has. Maybe that means I don’t have them very often?

I am currently reading…

Still finishing up “The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism”. It’s a tough read I think. His logic and my logic don’t follow the same course. It’s more than the fact that he’s a man and I’m… not. It’s a good book… just tough to plow through. Terry bought me a surprise book though! That alone is impetus for me to finish up the other book. (For… ya know I cannot read two books at once – just not possible!). He purchased John Ortberg’s “The ME I want to be: Becoming God’s best version of you”. He is my favorite author and I have all of his books. I can’t wait to get started. When I read something he wrote… I change. Morphing into something a little better, finer, and more pleasing to God. I just love his writing style. (FUNNY!)

I am hoping…

… for so many things I can’t list them here. Many are constant prayer requests, some are simple quick wishes like a cup of hot cocoa!

From the kitchen…

Tonight we are having steak, biscuits and asparagus. Kyersten works tonight and is not crazy about red meat. I take advantage of Friday nights to have our red meat each week. The guys feel like they’ll perish without it. (rolls eyes)

Around the house…

… it will look pretty good around here once my son vacuums!

One of my favorite things…

… is Earl Grey tea. I have a pot brewing in the kitchen right now. I can’t wait to get to it!

My husband…

… is not resting well at night. He resembles Darth Vader as it is with his sleep apnea gear on his face at night, but he’s been twitching and scrambling about the bed covers. I’m deaf (without my cochlear implant), but I’m not dead. He practically tossed me out of the bed last night at one point. I smacked his arm and told him to cut it out. I think he is having nightmares. I need to talk to him… BEFORE we turn the lights out tonight.

My daughter…

… doesn’t eat enough to keep a mouse alive. Ok, alright! Perhaps she eats plenty to keep a mouse alive… sigh. Yeah, she eats enough to keep a whole FAMILY of mice alive, but she doesn’t eat enough to satisfy MOM. She’s such a tiny little thing, and doesn’t eat the most healthy choices when she does choose to eat. I may have to start fussing at her again. Her clothes are loose and I’m going bananas sitting across from her at family meals seeing her 1/2 empty plate.

My son…

… is not gonna be happy when MOM comes stomping downstairs with an ultimatum about the vacuuming.

My assistance dog…

… is asleep in a sun patch. She and Tyco (our Norwegian Elkhound family dog) have been growling at the howling wind.

A picture to share from this week…

My new book!