Pictured: Close up of 5-year-old English Cream Golden Retriever, Finn with partner/author Denise Portis in background looking over Finn’s shoulder into the camera lens.
In May of 2023, I was forced to quit my job due to declining health and progressive disabilities. If you throw in the facts that teaching psychology, mentoring students, disability advocacy, and suicide prevention were my life’s calling…. my PURPOSE, it stands to reason I have not adjusted well. My disabilities spiraled out of control after two semesters of incredible stress, anxiety, and yes – discrimination. The toll was SO HIGH, in fact, I had to drop legal proceedings because I knew that by the time my case was heard, I would likely be dead. That sobering reality made me quickly determine, “what is really important here?”
I wanted to argue that my PURPOSE was important. For 27+ years my identity was wrapped up in being a teacher, a disability advocate, a disability mentor, and making a difference in my little part of the world. Suddenly, just to survive, I was at home and only leaving for doctor appointments. My coworkers were my third service dog and two family pet dogs.
In my mentoring platform, one of my “go to” topics was always:
FIND YOUR PURPOSE. PURSUE IT WITH ALL YOU CAN WITH THE ‘SPOONS‘ YOU HAVE.
As every disability and related health concern worsened, I struggled with a new disability that I had never had to deal with before.
Hearing loss and hearing with bionics? Easy-peasy.
Mobility limitations and post-concussive syndrome? Piece of cake!
Vestibular disorder and vertigo? BRING IT ON!
Losing 68% of my vision in my right eye and no longer able to drive? *brain and heart implode*
My anxiety shot “through the roof” (though my lifelong depression is actually very stable and “good”… one of those things that makes me go “Hmmmm”). I had poured my life into a place and a community to find myself suddenly WITHOUT those things; without a purpose. At first I struggled and wrestled with trying to figure out a new purpose. But y’all? When your life’s purpose is the heartbeat of who you are as a person, provides the means to keep you going… how exactly do you let go of that?
You don’t.
I am not the first person with disability and – yes – passion, to not be able to do what I wish I could, what I used to be able to do. I am not the first person with disability finding themselves forced to take a breather and re-prioritize. I am not the first person with progressive disabilities to actually have that progression completely change my disabled self. For those of us that have had to leave a professional career, we meet a new antagonist named “Loneliness”. It sucks to go from having people to NOT having people.
As I struggled and prayed, and cried about finding a new purpose, it hit me one morning. As a “fall risk” and concussion patient, I avoid being hit as much as possible. However, this time the knock up the side of the head was a eureka kind of moment; an epiphany of sorts! I don’t need a new purpose. My purpose has always been that which stemmed from a life-changing “Ebenezer” moment.
“If you only make a difference in ONE, that difference is profound, indelible, and enduring”.
I do not need a new purpose. My purpose hasn’t changed. My audience may have changed. The manner in which I work and advocate may have changed, but my purpose has not.
Do you ever feel SO disabled, bound by the constrictions of your own health challenges and limitations that you feel worthless? Do you feel like you are purpose-less? Wilder (2019) explained it well when he said, “What we do does not determine our value as human beings, but at the same time, what we do is a healthy part of the human experience. Purpose allows people with disabilities to participate in that part of the human experience if employment is currently not an option for them. Participation is important because doing something usually makes someone a part of something. That not only boosts self-esteem and self-worth, but also reduces isolation and loneliness.” (Wilder, 2019, para. 5).
(If you haven’t read The Spoon Theory, see it in its original form here. I talk about being a “Spoonie” a great deal). If you do not have enough spoons to work or “do” with measurable results, you still may have a purpose. Wilder (2019) goes on to say, “Sometimes a severe disability can leave a person with few options. In those cases purpose can be found in being a good son or daughter, brother or sister, mentor or parent, and friend or neighbor. Being a positive presence in one’s family and community is truly a noble purpose. Achieving it can be as simple as participating in a healthy relationship with another person to the best of one’s ability.
The bottom line is that people with disabilities who can do something; need to do something. The mental and physical health benefits alone make it necessary. Replacing isolation with participation leads to better relationships, and happier and longer lives. People with disabilities have a lot of things taken away from them. However, a purpose is difficult to take away from someone – and it is a great way to take some of those things back.” (Wilder, 2019, para. 8-9).
My purpose hasn’t changed. A purpose keeps our brains firing, our heart beating, and lungs breathing.
L. Denise Portis, Ph.D.
©2024 Personal Hearing Loss Journal
Wilder, J. (2019). The complicated relationship between disability and purpose. Psychology Today. Retrieved January 8, 2024 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/disability-in-motion/201901/the-complicated-relationship-between-disability-and-purpose#:~:text=Purpose%20allows%20people%20with%20disabilities,someone%20a%20part%20of%20something.
Hearing Elmo 